Sunday, March 7, 2010

So tired

The boys always start out in their own bed, but at some point they always wind up in ours. Usually I'm fine with it. They snuggle into me and I almost never wake up.
Then we have nights like this one. 1:30 and Lion is all over me, touching me, petting my face, leaning on my hair, hand over my mouth and nose.
I reach a point where I can't take it one more second and I always get up and leave the bed.
Tonight I went into the kids room to sleep. All of a sudden both kids are in the living room.
I snapped and turned into this growling, snapping, hissing, Chimera who talked through clenched teeth that would make Gotti's blood run cold.
no one moved. They stared at me.
They scampered like bunnines back to my bed.
Fantastic. Not the direction I wanted to herd the cattle in...
I go back to bed in the boys room and I can STILL hear Lion.
I'm pretty sure my eyes started to glow and my hair turned into snakes.
I'm also pretty sure my feet didn't touch the floor as I flew into my room and threw the door open.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING" I hispered (a cross between a hiss and a whisper)
"Mommy! I no go to sleep"
"GET.INTO.YOUR.BED. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hysterics ensued.
Much screaming and crying and throwing things.(Not by me, by him)

These are the nights that I resent the dynamics in our home. I'm ALWAYS and I mean without exception ALWAYS the one up with the kids. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this.

I'm the idiot who still walks around with bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep.

I hear my mommy friends who go away for weekends or who have husbands who get up when their children cry in the night, who allow their wives to sleep in once in a while.

I've never once had any of these things. I don't even think these things would occur to the husband. Even if they did and he attempted to allow me to either sleep late or if he agreed to get up with the kids I know neither would work.

To allow me to sleep in, he must be willing to pay attention to his children and that he does not do. He wakes up, puts on his headphones and plays his video games. The headphones he has are noise canceling and so he can't hear anything. If the kids attempted to bug me he would holler at them which would result in my waking up.

(I'm about at the end of my rope right now with the Lion. I just put my IPhone in the room with him playing Disney music to soothe him and the kid THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM.)

I try not to feel sorry for myself or whine about the dynamics around here but at times it's so hard.
Especially at 3:00am while I'm stuck wide awake with a hysterical beast....

I REALLY REALLY hope this surgery works and changes him for the better because at 3:00am I'm not sure how much more of this I can take...

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