July 23rd,2007

The death of a friend

How can this be?
It wasn't supposed to happen like this lady.
Not this young. Not now. Not ever but really not now.
She was my sister, my mother and my best friend, my partner in crime.
If you had told me when we were 12,13,14,15 that she was going to die before the age of 35 I would have called you a liar.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's not here anymore.
We used to joke with each passing birthday that we needed walkers with racing stripes and Geritol and now I'm really going to be the only one who will need them because she's not going to get any older.
I just...I'm sitting here sobbing remembering all the giddy stupid nights we spent at her dad's place getting ready to go to some show or some club.
Remembering how much she loved life and how everyone around here was affected by her. Not one person got away unscathed. EVERYONE knew she was a special lady and love her or hate her you were changed after having met her.
We haven't been close in recent years and I've missed her.
She never met Brian my youngest son and really only saw PJ when he was a small fry.
When I talk about her thought I still call her my best friend beacuse to me she is. There will never be another Chrissy. No one will ever take her spot as my best friend.
I have a vault of memories that were just she and I. No one else shared them and now I'm the only one.
If I mention Round up Ranch and the lost sweatshirt not one of you will get it but she would. If I yelled "Squidlinks" you wuold all look at me weird but she would crack up laughing.
If I said to you "Say it with flowers" you would think of FTD but she and I had a whole nother meaning for it.
The list goes on and on and on.
She and I knew each other for 30 years. Since 2nd grade. That's a hell of a long time and a hell of a lot of history.
I'm gonna miss you girl like nobodys business.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do in this world knowing you aren't in it anymor

July 26th, 2007

You

Your death has consumed me. It's overwhelmed me.

 It's like a blanket and I'm smothering.
The loss is too great. My heart is too heavy.
I cannot come to grips that you are gone.
I have no memory of a time without you. You were always in my life.
We were friends for 30 years. That's a hell of a long time. Everywhere I look I see you.

The love that is being shown for you is overwhelming.

The lives that you touched, the people you made better for just knowing them.

You would be pleased and embarrassed at all the fuss being made over you. I know you would.

Everytime I close my eyes I see you. You are so beautiful, so strong, so confident. You always were. From my first memory of you in school at age 3 or 4 I remember you as a presence. A force, a leader. A kind soul.
I almost feel like your life has been split in two parts. 

Those of us who knew you in the past and friendships faded and those who know you now. It's strange. I miss you for what you were, for the child, girl and woman I remember. The best friend. The girl who would sit in the back of my dad's car on the way to the club and be as giddy and giggly as a schoolgirl and when we got to the club we would do what my dad named the

 "fuck you strut". 

I can't do it anymore.  I've tried but I've lost my superpower. I guess it was your attitude and energy I was feeding off of.
I remember there was one random night in an unnamed club and I found a boy I thought was cute. We all went to a diner and all of a sudden he was sitting next to you. Since you and I were so very different in looks I asked him what was up. (It was a safe bet most nights that if a boy liked the tall leggy brunette he wasn't gonna want the short platinum blonde) I can hear his words as if he just spoke them he said "You're cute but she has a certain something. There's an energy about her. A presence"
He was right ya know. You do.  Everyone saw it and felt it.
I think the part of it all that bugs me the most is that we lost each other. We disconnected for a while but I never gave it too much thought because I knew no matter how far apart we were or how much time went by I could always call you and just say "Hey" and you would know who it was.
If I'd had a crystal ball I would have tried harder to be more of a part of your everyday life.
For that I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
I almost feel that because we weren't close in recent times I don't have the right to mourn you this intensely and with this heavy a heart. But I can't help it. You were my oldest and my closest friend. How many secrets do you take to the grave with you lady? How many late night therapy sessions?

Yesterday when I got the news it rained all day. It never once let up. Today I wanted to wake up feeling better, with a new perspective, a sence of  peace and solitude but I never slept last night so all the things I felt yesterday have carried over into today.

There is this huge hole in the world today and as I look out my window I see the world going on as normal around me but for me it's stopped.

I look at my kids as they are playing together (okay beating each other up) and I envy them that they don't know the feeling of their heartbreaking yet. They don't understand loss of this magnitude. They cry because the truck they want is just out of reach. I'm crying because I'm never gonna see you again.

I'm drowning...

I think I've got it now

A blog I'd written about Chrissy shortly after her death in 2007

 I think I know what it was about her. What made her special and stand out from the rest.

She was the epitome of cool. She could take anything and rock it. She was so amazingly versatile in her ways and was always reinventing herself.
When she was a glam kid, she took it and lived it 100%. From polka dots to pigtails, from lunchboxes to lollypops, it was all her.
She did Goth for a while and managed to make the most beautiful Goth Chick I think I'd ever seen. If you never got a chance to see her in black Vinyl then I'm sorry because you missed a heavenly vision.

When she went Rockabilly it was like she was born in the 1950's. She never went repro; it was true blue vintage for her all the way and nothing less.

When you were with her, she made you feel special and cool. Like there was always a velvet rope around you and you were a living breathing VIP room.

She was elegant and refined and classy and smart. Wise beyond her years and talented. She loved life. She never let anything stand in the way of what she wanted. She lived on her terms. If you were lucky to be there for the ride, you were family. If not, get out of her way because she would have run you over.

She was one of those few individuals who truly understood the saying "life every day as though it's your last" She always did.

I always felt a bit in awe of her. As a teenager, trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in she never did. She always knew exactly who she was and who she was going to be.

She was a leader, if she had wanted to start her own religion I believe getting a flock together wouldn't have been difficult for her. People wanted to be around her. They listened to what she had to say and emulated her in fashion and style.

Even now at the tender age of 34 I still find myself asking "Would Chrissy think this is cool?" and on nights out I've been known to email her photos of outfits for her thumbs up or down.

She could make anyone a friend. All she had to do was smile at you.

I always wondered if there was much she couldn't do? She was a published author, world traveler, talented horsewoman, she could draw, paint, sew, sing and tell me she wasn't truly gifted with a makeup brush.

She was always up for anything and loved to be spontaneous.

With her, you never quite knew what the day would bring.

I'm going to miss that.

New Camera

It happened again. Hubs leaves for Atlantic City & I get silly with the camera.
Actually, tonight there was a legit reason for the camera play. I got a brand new camera & wanted to see how it looks...You can see how my night progressed.

Who I am...

On Tuesday my father took the pups & I to the Paramus Park Mall here in NJ to do the once a month Lego Store free build.
We coordinated it with one of Pats classmates who is also a Lego freak. He met us there with his grandmother & aunt.
We all went out to dinner together after & had a great time.

Today at school, the boys mom told me that her son had a fantastic time and that her mother said
"Diana is so nice & so NORMAL"

This of course cracked me up as did the face the mother made when she relayed this to me.

I am no stranger to this reaction & truth be told, it never fails to delight me.

I LOVE decimating first impressions.

I look in the mirror & I see me. I see a woman who knows exactly who she is & is comfortable not being normal or mainstream. I also know that I'm a well educated, intelligent, kind, compassionate, trusting, open person who would be an asset to anyone who wanted to add me to their collection of friends or acquaintances.

I am however, quite aware that my appearance can be confusing & if you were to judge me based only on how I look, I suppose I might fit into a typical stereotype of being uneducated, uniformed, angry, unhappy, rebellious and anti establishment. I suppose you might think I do drugs or drink and spend time out partying away from my kids.

Would it surprise you to know that I've never ever done a drug in my life stronger than the Morphine they gave me at the hospital when I had the boys?
Would you be shocked if I told you I don't drink booze & I'm not a recovering alcoholic?
Would your head fall off if I told you my Friday & Saturday nights are spent cruising Pintrest?
How would you react if I told you we are Disney Vacation Club members with Season Passes & we go to Disney World two or three times a year?

I'm not actually sure WHAT people think when they see me. I do know my appearance (while to me is really REALLY toned down and dialed back) is confusing to some & it causes snap judgements that are almost always wrong.

Yes, I'm a 39 year old mother who carries a Hello Kitty purse. Yes, those are pink extensions in my hair. Yup. My converse have glitter on them. Yes, my nails are bright green. Why yes! That IS a skull on my shirt. Absolutely. That is a real tattoo.

Stop. Take a deep breath. This is my shell. This is my outside & not what counts. I look the way I look because it is how I am comfortable. Because I am  comfortable with me, I am happy. Because I am happy, I am able to be a well adjusted, "normal" adult.

There is a fantastic line from a song that I've carried with me since I first heard it"Who I am and what you think of me just might not be the same"

 Come have a conversation with me. Get to know me. I'm rather certain you will find I am none of the things you think that I am.

I spent so much time as a kid trying to be like everyone else. Trying to fit in & be something I wasn't. The harder I tried, the more rejection I came up against.

By age 13 who I was was firmly in place & established. I have never spent another day uncomfortable with who I am.

I know lots of you think "You are 39, it's time to grow up".
My own husband tells me that every single time I threaten to dye my whole head pink again. 

But I AM grown up. I'm a kick ass mommy, raising two awesome boys.  WHY can't I be a good mom AND have fun colored hair? Because YOU think there is a cut off age for the things I love?

 My own mother was outraged when my hair was hot pink.
I was the mother of two little boys. Having pink hair was IRRESPONSIBLE.

Really mom? Funny, I thought teaching my kids that they should be who they are and rock it (whatever it turns out to be) loud and proud actually makes me a very responsible parent. If you can't love who you are, you won't ever be able to love anyone else.
Would having a full tattoo sleeve make me any less of a grownup? Would a lunchbox for a purse suddenly cause me to be unable to carry on an adult conversation?

Of COURSE not. It all goes back to that whole compartmentalizing thing we humans like to do. You go here, this behavior ends on this birthday, you can't wear this past this age.

Any of you know how old the AMAZING Patricia Field is?  She is 71 years old.
The amazing Vivenne Westwood is the same age. Betsy Johnson is 70.

There is NO cut off age on being true to who you are.

I'm teaching my kids to be kind to all & reserve their judgements on most. To see people for what's on the inside & not the outside.

The point here? Don't go by first impressions. They are so often wrong.