Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Vicious & Virtuous

Oh for the love of the heavens. I've lost ANOTHER baker. Bitch has a wedding on the 17th she COMPLETELY forgot she was catering.
Seriously? Who in the hell "forgets" they are catering a wedding?
Today I'm going to get fliers printed on bright neon paper and I'm going old school grass roots. I'm going to stick them in the school mailboxes, ask businesses to put them in their windows, and make a general nuisance of myself with them.
Since I'm down to 10 bakers if I can't turn it around and get a few more I'll have to drop the ticket prices which I hate to do but I can't ask folks to pay $20 for half the amount of bakers...
Please, if you are reading this and you can help me promote this or you have any ideas on how I can make this a success let me know!!!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Bike Tour

So I've got about a month to pull my shit together and get in real shape for this 42 mile bike tour I've signed myself up for.
I guess it would help if I started by picking up my bicycle right?
I got my helmet. That's a start...

Doughnut Plant

Everyone in NYC from grandmothers to hipsters to schoolgirls seem to be completely smitten with the Doughnut Plant.
I appear to be the only person among these doughnut zombies who doesn't think they are all that great. I went, I got half a dozen and I was unimpressed and a little perplexed. Now I'm getting downright concerned. Can my tastebuds really be that far off the mark? I was really unimpressed and if I never had another one I'd survive quite happily. I'm not even motivated to try them again to see if that was an off day because according to everything I read, the Doughnut Plant is always on the mark and never has an off day.
Maybe as I've stated before I have a true white trash palate. As I type this I'm snarfing down a lavender peep and I really think Kraft Mac and Cheese is yummy and I'm a huge fan of Entenmann's doughnut line and don't even get me started on Hostess products. (As a little girl I had a friend that I would beg for playdates with because his mother always had Twinkies and hostess cupcakes in the house) The texture of the doughnuts was super weird. It was spongy...almost like a stale peep and the flavors didn't blow me away either. The texture though I think is what left me cold. It was weird. A doughnut should be cakelike and a little spongy but not chewy which to my mouth Doughnut Plant was.
So there it is. I am not a fan of the Doughnut Plant.
Tell me I'm not alone!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

What to do, where to go

Husband and I have decided that we are just about over the apartment we are in. We need more space. We love Hoboken but fear it might be time to move on.
But where?!
I'm over New Jersey as a state and he doesn't want to do upstate or NY State at all.
We've been talking about Florida and so I'm on the hunt for an area with good schools.
For me, it's all about the schools. It's all about the kids and finding a good, safe place for them and schools and in specific Special Needs programs are on the top of my list.
Miami keeps popping up and it's the lowest on my list because it's a bad area for crime.

Tampa is a real possibility and it's the area I'm doing most of my homework on.
Seminole County just popped up and right now is the front runner. Apparently they have top notch special needs programs and it's a beautiful area as well! 
Jacksonville has a great big university with a great big Autism study center and a school so that's high on my list now as well.
Of course right now this is all at the dream stage. We are just talking and me being me I'm sniffing around to help us eliminate or include areas.

We just know we need more room and we can't afford it here in Hoboken...

Vicious and Virtuous

I've got 20 days till Vicious and Virtuous. I'd wanted to have 20 bakers. I have 11. I had 12 but one backed out.
This event has my stomach in knots. I just, really don't want it to be bad or a failure...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Weekend Furlough

So I had this whole post/whine written out that was just me drowning in self pity. I've deleted it.
There is a wonderful line from the movie Babe "The way things are, is the way things are"
I need to not wish for flying pigs or horses with horns. They don't exist and all my wishing won't ever make it so.
Accept that what I've got isn't half bad and see the cup as half full rather than half empty.
I just...I can't help that little twinge of self pity when I see things I want to do and I'm unable to do them because I'm the only human on the planet who can handle my children for more than 24 hours. It's compounded when I hear about other mommies who go away for the weekend with sisters or friends.
Maybe one day I'll get to do this retreat:

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dear Diary Part 2

One of my pals put this quote up on Facebook and I felt it dovetailed very nicely with yesterday's post and my award...

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly
That's all. Back to whatever you folks were doing...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Dear Diary

I love my pal Shari.
Love her to the moon and back..
She was awarding beautiful blogger awards and I got an honorable mention:

"And I give my Honorable Mention to The Cupcake Hussy at A Few Clowns Short of a Circus. In an amazing feat of humility, Diana blogs only for herself. She holds a wonderful conversation with her own page and lets me peek in when I want to. She also lives a block away from me and lends me baking items all the time. She rocks."

This made me laugh out loud and I choked on my Diet Coke.
She's right. I do blog for me.(cue Carley Simon's "You're so vain") I don't share this with anyone ('cept you Shar) and I don't promote it at all and I certainly do not pretend that I can write with any talent.

It's a public-ish blog meaning anyone can come and read it and snicker to themselves as they read my ramblings. I just don't promote or push it.

I do it because I'm so afraid I'll forget and because I need a place to vent and a place to crow and just a place to be me.
Hey, I share a 648 sq foot apartment with two little boys a husband and a dog. A girl can go insane if she doesn't have a diary or a place to call her own right?

Maybe I'll start titling all my blog entries "Dear Diary"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Weight Loss

So we all know how much I love Boot Camp. I'm a total devotee and groupie of the class.
 I have this pair of skinny jeans that I wear and I love. They fit me a little on the snug side and so when I ran out of my apartment with no belt today I didn't think anything of it. Literally every two steps I had to hoist them up to keep them from falling down. Tomorrow I go and get a tape measure.
I took some photos of myself today and I was disappointed at how I see and feel no change in my thighs and my butt.
I've always had big hips and thighs. I think. That's what I've always told myself and I remember my horse trainer telling me that when we were at a show to wear rust colored breeches because they were the most slimming.
Of course I started to convince myself that I was making it all up to try and make myself feel better. Low self esteem has never ever been a problem for me. I rock and I rock hard.
So I went hunting for photos from a long time ago to see if my memories were correct or if I'd skewed history..
So what does this show us? At my most skinny which is the bathing suit photo I still have hips and thighs. My butt is smaller but it's still rather rotund.
These make me feel better about the right now. I'm adjusting my body goals to know that sexy gams might never be in the cards for me. What I'll be shooting for is a flatter tummy and toner upper bod. If the tush and thighs wanna get with the program, good for them! I'm not going to worry about them though...

So here are the photos I took.



Today should be lots of fun. I have to be in two places at once. I'm supposed to be at school picking up the kids at 2:30 AND at another school at a meeting.
What are the odds that today, today will be the day my children do not want to cooperate with me and drag ass getting out of school?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Weight Loss Surgery

My darling husband has been on a liquid diet for 2 weeks now and has another 2 weeks to go.
He complains a whole lot about how awful it is and how hard it is and how unhappy and frustrated and hungry he is.
While I can't pretend that I know what he's feeling because I've never had a food addiction I can tell you that it's no walk in the park for his family.
Everything I eat, and I mean everything he comments on. How good it looks, smells, how he would kill to eat it. Since he's had the surgery I've eaten two real dinners. Both were grilled Chicken Breast with some mashed potatoes.
Both times he's made remarks about how good it looks and how he would kill to eat it.
I'm left feeling awful and guilty for eating so I've resorted to cereal which uses milk which he needs for his protein shakes.
So you know what I've been eating? Protein Bars. For breakfast, lunch and dinner I'm eating protein bars. I'm not just eating them though. I have to sneak them so he can't see me eating them.
 I'm out of  protein bars so you know what's for dinner tonight? Nothing. Tonight I skip dinner and I'll have to skip breakfast tomorrow as well.

The worst part is that the kids are suffering as well.They are DYING for pizza for dinner and I refuse to get it for them because that would be way way too mean. Two weeks my kids have gone without pizza.  That's torture.
Today at the Aquarium they were hungry so I got them lunch which was Chicken Nuggets and fries and my dad wanted a hot dog.
I got nothing for myself thanks to that whole guilt factor thing I have. I can't eat in front of him when he can't eat.
An hour or so after they ate they wanted a pretzel. We got them one and the whole sea lion show all I heard was how good it looked and how hungry he was.
Our food orders cost the same because of his muscle milks and cottage cheese and yogurts but this last food order I got dinners for the kids and stuff for him but nothing for me. No food for myself.  
Two more weeks of this might just kill me. Truly. Either kill me or get me down a pants size or two...


Today we are headed to the Brooklyn Aquarium. My dad is coming to get us and take all of us out for the day.
This has potential to be fantastic or icky but either way I'm going to predict that my father and husband will wind up on a bench together resting.
PJ is studying Ocean Animals in school and has requested a trip to the Aquarium for a while now. My father suggested it and I lept at the idea!
Sharks and Octopus await! Hopefully I'll be able to take the boys up onto the boardwalk for a walk after. I LOVE Coney Island...

I'm editing to add that I was awful close about resting on a bench. Turns out it was a lean they shared, not a sit.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


1:00am the husband decides it's time to come to bed.
All of a sudden he's waking me up
"D, D. Did Lion poop? It STINKS in here!"
"No, I don't smell anything"
"Well SOMEONE pooped"
"I don't smell anything!"
"Was it the dog?"
this went on for about 5 mins with him getting more and more angry that someone or something pooped.
Folks,there is NO poop. What there is however is a very wide awake wife who has just lost her delicate position in the bed because she had to get up and get pillows for her ranting lunatic husband.
I sleep nestled in between the boys. The three of us like a perfect sandwich. Tight like sardines off to the far side pressed up against the wall. Should I be forced to move I'm done. My pillow is gone and so is my spot in bed.
I'm NOT HAPPY. Why does he do this to me? Why wake me up from my sleep to whine and be angry? It makes no sense at all.
I'm going to sleep in the kids room

Friday, March 19, 2010


Despite what I write here I do love my husband very very much. My blog is my safe place to vent and so I do. A whole lot.
But I do love my husband and he's my best friend.
Now, having said that I just got the news that he's home for at least another 2 weeks.
God have mercy on my soul.
I'm annoyed not because I don't love my husband and don't like having him around. I DO like having him around. Except that he's cramping my style. In a fierce way. The hours between 8:30am and 2:30pm are MY TIME. My time to do whatever I want to do and to just be by myself.
I wish he would go out and do something. Take a walk, go to the movies, something to get himself out of the house. Allow me the peace and quiet that I love. Allow me to be selfish, or even allow me to eat one meal one full meal without feeling guilty for eating food he can't eat!
I'm going to pick up my bike today and will take it for a spin tomorrow just to get out of the house!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Personal Goal

Hoboken Boot Camps. I'm so in love with this class and how strong it's making me feel. Over the weekend I'd asked David the owner and trainer if he thought I could lift a 25 pound kettle bell and do a press with it. (That's when you lift it over your head) He said we would try on Monday. We did the whole boot camp workout which ended with 3 minutes straight of kettlebell swings. I did a minute and a half of 15 pound and then had to go lighter.
After class was over we did the overhead press with a 15 pound weight, then a 20 and the 25. I was successful getting all of them up and over my head. He came out with the 30 pound weight!!! Below is the video of me lifting 30 pounds over my head 5 times on each side!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Vicious and Virtuous NIGHTMARES

I keep having these mini panic attacks about my fundraiser Vicious & Virtuous. I'm positive no one is going to show up and I only have 5 bakers signed up as of today. I'm petrified of both an empty room and a room filled with people and nothing to feed them.
I'm so afraid of having to cancel this event.
The logical side of me knows that's not going to happen and we will be fine but I can't help it...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


If you've been following my blog you know by now that my small son has PDD-NOS.

The clinical definition is this:
PDDs refer to a broader group of neurobiological conditions, known as autistic spectrum disorders, that are characterized by delayed development of communication and social skills.

Perhaps the most noticeable feature of a PDD is a problem with communication, including using and understanding language. Children with these disorders can also have trouble relating to others.

They may also exhibit unusual play with toys and other objects, including flicking or shaking toys in nontraditional manners, repetitively spinning toys or parts of toys, and lining up toys instead of playing with them.

Children with a PDD tend to lack curiosity about their environments and have difficulty with changes in routines.

Brian the Lion is textbook for this diagnosis and this definition.

Back when he was first diagnosed I was bound and determined to get all the information and all the tools available for me to battle this disorder and help my small son come out on top.

Unfortunately there is no cure for Autism or Autism Spectrum disorders but there are amazing people that can help parents like me wade through the muck and the mire, help to sort out the feelings and gather strength and power through knowledge and support. I've found all these and much more through Autism Speaks. They have been wonderful from day one and one woman in particular. Her name is Jena Greco and she's the regional director for NY and NJ.
She's amazing and I know I can ask her ANYTHING at ANY time and she will have an answer for me. If she doesn't have it, she will find it for me.

It's because of her and of the other folks at Autism Speaks that I do lots of poking my friends and acquaintances for fund raising,
I only bug folks in the spring and summer when I'm starting to raise funds for Team Brian The Lion and the Walk Now for Autism walk event they hold in NYC.

This year I've stepped up my fund raising and I'm holding Vicious & Virtuous and I've signed up to join the TD Bank 5 boro bike tour as a part of TeamUp! with Autism Speaks.

My fund raising and promotion for my event have gotten a little more agressive I'll admit.

I know one needs a thick skin to fund raise. Lots of folks don't want to be bothered, they don't have the time or the money or a million other reasons.

I understand. I've got my fair share of friends that solicit me for donations to other causes and I don't always want to donate either.

The only folks that get under my skin. REALLY get under my skin are the ones that I know are swimming in cash. I have a few friends and some acquaintances that life has been very kind to and it gets me when they ignore my requests for donations.

A donation to them is a drop in the bucket. It's nothing and yet they still can't see their way clear to ponying up a few bucks.
It bugs me further still when single moms scratching to make ends meet, parents who live paycheck to paycheck can find the money to make a small donation.

Is that bad? Does it make me wrong to judge a person on whether or not they donate to my pet charity? Is it wrong that their lack of involvement will forever leave a bad aura around them for me?

I don't want to be petty but I can't help it!
What do you think?

Special Needs

I had a follow up meeting today with the team of amazing women who are evaluating and working with the Lion. Up until now he's been in a main stream classroom and with Kindergarten around the corner we needed to regroup and figure out our plan of action.
We came together today to discuss their findings and their recommendations for next year.
The bottom line is that he's going to Wallace School next year and will be placed in a special needs kindergarten.
This is a very good thing for the Lion. The class is much smaller than where he is now (15 kids currently) and much smaller than some of the kindergarten classes (They average 25 kids) the special needs K has only 9 kids. The teacher is a certified special needs teacher so she will "get" the Lion.
This is a good thing. The recommendation came unanimous straight across the board. I trust these woman. They are all really good at what they do and I like them.
So why am I sitting here with a lump in my throat and a heavy chest?

Sunday, March 7, 2010


Fantastic. I'd gotten a lobster bisque soup and was TOTALLY looking forward to eating it for lunch today. PT saw it and wanted some so I poured him a cup (literally a cup. That's all he can have.) That left one cup for me. PJ wanted some and that was it. I had the choice of sharing it with the kid and having him hang all over me asking me when he could have more, or just give it to him.
So I gave it to him.
Now I'm out of lunch too...
This day is NOT going well food wise

Pancakes and Bacon

It's Sunday! I have a fridge full of bacon and maple apple turkey bacon and all the ingredients for pancakes with real maple syrup...
Sounds good doesn't it? A hot, hearty breakfast, relaxing with the family.

Unfortunately I have no idea when this will happen in my home again.
To cook pancakes and bacon seems downright cruel to my husband no matter how much I'm dying for it.
You know what I had rather than a delicious filling indulgent breakfast? A bowl of Lucky Charms.
Last night I skipped dinner because I didn't want to cook or make anything infront of the husband since he can't eat.

Yesterday afternoon I snuck a Cadbury Egg into the bathroom and ate it quickly so he didn't see or find out. I brushed my teeth after so he didn't smell the chocolate on my breath.

The other night I made a decent dinner for myself. Mashed potatoes, chicken breast, veggies. I ate as fast as I could and even then after I was done, PT remarked how good the mashed potatoes looked.
One of my favorite things to do is look at food blogs and I look now and it's more torture than pleasure.

Bye babes!  I'm going to lunch! Without you. Since you can't eat. Toodles!!

I knew his not eating would affect me but not like this. I had NO idea I would be suffering right along side him just without the incisions.
I'm afraid for a while food will not be pleasurable or something to be enjoyed but rather something to be eaten quickly and quietly with as much of it done outside the home as possible.

I thought about stopping for a bagel tomorrow on the way home from boot camp. If I get one though, I'll have to eat it as I walk home.
Of course it's not all doom and gloom
We can eat oatmeal and Tuna together though! Of course I have to puree his Tuna in the blender...We can have soup but his has to be strained of all things not smooth and pureed...
I'll have to step on the scale today and see if I'm benefiting from this at all.

So tired

The boys always start out in their own bed, but at some point they always wind up in ours. Usually I'm fine with it. They snuggle into me and I almost never wake up.
Then we have nights like this one. 1:30 and Lion is all over me, touching me, petting my face, leaning on my hair, hand over my mouth and nose.
I reach a point where I can't take it one more second and I always get up and leave the bed.
Tonight I went into the kids room to sleep. All of a sudden both kids are in the living room.
I snapped and turned into this growling, snapping, hissing, Chimera who talked through clenched teeth that would make Gotti's blood run cold.
no one moved. They stared at me.
They scampered like bunnines back to my bed.
Fantastic. Not the direction I wanted to herd the cattle in...
I go back to bed in the boys room and I can STILL hear Lion.
I'm pretty sure my eyes started to glow and my hair turned into snakes.
I'm also pretty sure my feet didn't touch the floor as I flew into my room and threw the door open.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING" I hispered (a cross between a hiss and a whisper)
"Mommy! I no go to sleep"
"GET.INTO.YOUR.BED. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hysterics ensued.
Much screaming and crying and throwing things.(Not by me, by him)

These are the nights that I resent the dynamics in our home. I'm ALWAYS and I mean without exception ALWAYS the one up with the kids. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this.

I'm the idiot who still walks around with bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep.

I hear my mommy friends who go away for weekends or who have husbands who get up when their children cry in the night, who allow their wives to sleep in once in a while.

I've never once had any of these things. I don't even think these things would occur to the husband. Even if they did and he attempted to allow me to either sleep late or if he agreed to get up with the kids I know neither would work.

To allow me to sleep in, he must be willing to pay attention to his children and that he does not do. He wakes up, puts on his headphones and plays his video games. The headphones he has are noise canceling and so he can't hear anything. If the kids attempted to bug me he would holler at them which would result in my waking up.

(I'm about at the end of my rope right now with the Lion. I just put my IPhone in the room with him playing Disney music to soothe him and the kid THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM.)

I try not to feel sorry for myself or whine about the dynamics around here but at times it's so hard.
Especially at 3:00am while I'm stuck wide awake with a hysterical beast....

I REALLY REALLY hope this surgery works and changes him for the better because at 3:00am I'm not sure how much more of this I can take...

Saturday, March 6, 2010


Today the kids and I had our bake sale. We made $60 in the hour we were out there. We wrapped it up at about 12:30 so we could go and watch the parade.
It was a TON of fun and I hope the kids had a good time.
We went to the parade and I got each kid a horn to toot on and we had fun till PJ whined that he wanted to go so we went and got pizza.
We got home and every single time I sat down someone needed something from me. The kids were fighting and rough housing and the more they misbehaved, the crankier I became. I am now at the absolute end of my rope with  this day and it cannot end soon enough. 
I'm tired of having to scream at the kids, and I'm tired of the candy asses that live here who can't appear to do anything on their own without my doing it for them.
Monday the husband is on his own and can begin to feed and water himself.
The kids are going to have to learn to start to do for themselves. They can get water and pour a bowl of cereal. They can open the fridge and get milk or an apple to snack on. 
Can I get an AMEN!?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Top of the morning to ya...

Tomorrow is the annual Hoboken Saint Patrick's Day festival.
If you love watching human train wrecks step right up because THIS is the place to be.

I've decided to have a bake sale tomorrow to exploit all the inebriated morons who invade our town and form lines outside the bars at 8am.

That and you know, I'm stupid.

I'm making cupcakes galore and the kids and I will set up a table outside tomorrow and sell them for $2.00 each.

I'm not just making any ol' cupcakes though. Oh no. I'm making boozecakes. I currently have my oven pre heating to make Bailiey's Irish Cream Cupcakes (rather than water I'll use Bailey's) and I'm going to make a Jameson Whiskey Icing to go with them. I'll also make a plain yellow cake with a Bailey's Icing and if I have time I'll make Bourbon Cupcakes. I'm also going to try my hand at Whiskey Balls and Rum Balls.

Did I mention I don't drink? At all? I'm Straight Edge without meaning to be. What I mean is I didn't set out saying "Oi! Right! I'm Straight Edge!"
Growing up I never did drugs. I've never done them. Not ever. I've never even smoked pot.
I used to drink back when I was a young doe and it would often lead me to do things...well things as an adult I shouldn't do. I would often find myself on the bar lifting up my shirt, which was fine back then but if I did it now I'd hit someone in the head with a boob and take an eye out with a nipple.
I would often (read EVERY WEEKEND) be found in dark corners with boys who I may or may not have ever seen again making out as though we depended on each other for air. I never got a name, and never remembered a face.
Got lots of phone numbers though!
As a married adult, I fear that my husband would frown on this behavior and so I gave up the booze.

When I did drink though I LOVED a glass of Bailey's on the rocks after a meal. SO creamy and sweet and yummy.

After the day I've had I'm eyeballing that bottle a little bit harder than I should. Thankfully I have every last drop earmarked for the cupcakes and the icing. Otherwise I think I'd be chugging the stuff straight from the bottle...

Maybe one day, in the safety and comfort of good gal pals I'll get hammered and show them all what the legend is about.

Not tonight though...

Hit the wall

Apparently I CANNOT do it all. I've been waiting to find my breaking point or the moment when my life says "NO MAS" and I think I found it but I've also found a way around it. (TAKE THAT LIMITATIONS)

Yesterday I got a pleading phone call from one of the MOST pulled together moms I know. This woman seriously can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let her husband forget he's a man. She is a WOMAN in all caps.

She needed coconut bread for her kids Daisy Scouts meeting tomorrow. She didn't have the time to make it and would I make it for her?

Pssh! Would I make it for her?! OF COURSE I would! Don't think twice. I got this! EASY task.

Never mind that I had to run to Target this morning and then to CVS and by the time I got home and realized I had no all purpose flour it was too late.

NO PROBLEM. I have CAKE FLOUR.  Feeling good and rather smug about my well stocked baking items I got it down from the top shelf.

Omit salt and baking soda and baking powder when using Cake Flour. Okay dokey. Wait...I only have salted butter. Crap.
What's the worst that can happen? Thought I, as I measured and mixed and stirred and finally poured the batter into loaf pans. Then I tasted the batter. (puckering face)...salty! Okay maybe it wouldn't be so bad when baked.
55 mins in the oven and in between this I'm grinding pills, making protein shakes, straining soup. helping him on and off the couch. I didn't even test the loaves for doneness when I pulled them out. Tops were golden brown out they came.
They deflated immediately after I took them out and so I called my friend Shari who is one of the Daisy Scout Leaders.
"Shar, these loaves are awful"
"Don't care, cutting them up anyway"
"Shar, I don't think you can"
"Cut one and tell me what it's like"
and we hung up.
I cut one open and saw raw batter.
Called her back
"Shar, the loaves are in the garbage"
"You couldn't serve these unless the person eating them was deaf, dumb, blind and lacked tastebuds"
"hmmmmmmmm....maybe I'll get Macaroons. Do you know a good place to get Macaroons?"
"Let me make cupcakes. I have a boxed mix. Banana or Orange"
We hung up.
The phone rings
"Can you make them minis?"
"Of course I can"
we hung up.

So the banana cupcakes are done and out of the oven and when we get back from picking up the kids from school I'll make a white icing and sprinkle coconut on the top.

A disaster averted and I think the gals will like the mini cupcakes that Daisy Mom Shawn made lovingly for them!


Thursday, March 4, 2010


Coming Home

I went to visit him this morning. I think he was trying to smile in this photo.
I stuck around till 1:00 when I had to leave to come back home to get the kids from school. I'm in the back of the cab about a block from the PATH station and he calls to tell me that they might be letting him come home today at 4:00pm

HOORAY (through gritted teeth and with hands clenched)
While I was sitting with him keeping him company there was much moaning and groaning about pain and gas pain.
We took a walk up and down the halls and he is walking fine but the whole time he kept whimpering.
I discovered something about myself during this visit. I'm a smug superior bitch sometimes.
All I kept thinking was "PLEASE! So you had surgery big deal. Suck it up. They cut into you with a tiny laser and made a teeny inscion.

I had two C-Sections and survived labor pains TWICE before MY surgery. They cut me open and pulled a KID out of me. TWICE. TWICE. Do you think after those surgeries I was able to recover in a cushy bed? No, no I was not. Know why? I HAD A KID TO DEAL WITH. I couldn't take a nap, know why? I HAD A KID TO DEAL WITH.

I had a tiny human being who didn't give a rats rear end that I had staples in my stomach or that I was on a morphine drip. He ("they" because remember I did this TWICE) needed to be fed or changed or walked or rocked or sung to.

When you get home you can rest and relax assured that your kick ass wife will have all your needs taken care of and you won't have to worry about a thing.

When I got home I had to take the dog out for a walk and pace the floors with a new baby and be up at all weird hours of the night to feed and change and soothe.

The SECOND surgery I had with the second son I had to deal with a 16 month old and a newborn AND a dog. A week after surgery we took the kids to the Aquarium. My first day home I wasn't even in the door and PJ wanted to sit in my lap. I had to pick him up and rock him in our chair.

When he gets home, he has a grace period of 3 days to moan and groan after that...


It's a 50/50 deal that he might stay in the hospital another night. Apparently he's got some serious massive vein swelling in his legs and the doctors want to keep an eye on it.
He just passed the swallow test though which is one of the things he had to do to get out of there and come home.
Fingers crossed!


So apparently my doll got himself a seriously cushy room and is living it up with floor to ceiling windows a shower and a plasma screen TV. Too bad he's in too much pain to really enjoy it.

Visiting hours start at 11:00 and I can stop by and say hello to him and then I have to leave. If he's getting discharged today he's on his own as I've exhausted all of my resources to watch the kids for me.

Unless I bring the kids with me (insert snorty braying laughter here). As I'm typing this I realized that the hospital won't release him on his own. He's going to have to have another person with him.

I might have to bring the kids with me (insert snorty braying laughter) to spring him from the joint...

I just sent him a text asking him to find out.

I actually don't give my kids enough credit. 90% of the time I underestimate them. They are more often than not really good when I need them to step up and  be good for me. PJ especially. He LOVES to be in charge and loves to help me out.

Lion has to be in the right mood but if he is, he's also super stellar. If he's not in the right mood...well I'll have to bribe him with something from the gift shop.
(Maybe we get daddy two balloons and let the offspring carry them. That will make everyone super happy.)

Today will work out if I just let go and let it be.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The sugery is done

Today was an awful long day. I don't meant it was an awful, long day. I mean it was very lengthy and I'm very very tired.

Up at 4:30 to drop the offspring with my friend and her own offspring. Took the bus to the city to be at the hospital by 7:30am.
Surgery schedule for 9:30 didn't take him till 10:00. At 1:00 the surgeon came out to speak to me, told me everything went super well and my darling husband came through with flying colors.
After he left I found my eyes burning with tears and my chest felt heavy and breathing was hard.

I realized that despite my brave face I had been very nervous and very worried about my sweetie and even though I didn't know it my subconscious knew and with the news that he was well I could let go and breathe.
Strange moment for me.

At 2:15 I was able to go in and see him and he was so so so out of it. He could barely open his eyes, his words were slurred and he fell asleep while I was there.

I left at 2:30 when visiting hours ended but I left with my dad who made a completely surprise appearance to see how PT was doing. It was a very welcome visit as far as I was concerned and my dad and I went into the waiting room and chatted till 5 when the second round of vising hours came about.

When we were told he still didn't have a bed, we decided that we were going to head home rather than waiting around for a bed that might never show up.

At the 5pm visit he was much more awake and with it and the panic attack he'd been having at 2:15 was gone.

Dad and I went and got some dinner and came home. The kids are now asleep and I'm exhausted and going to go to bed myself.

Hoping they got my sweetie pie a bed...

Tomorrow I get to bring him home and coax him down the rocky road of recovery....

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Lion Report

I just read the schools re-eval of Lion and while it doesn't surprise me I still find myself feeling sad.

The bottom line is he's got the language skills of a child a year and a half younger than he is.  Since he'd made such strides this year I'd hoped that this too would have caught up but it seems it has not.

We are re-evaluating him to see if the services he's getting through school are proper, if he needs more, less, added, taken away.

It seems we are on track with all of his specials for now which is good.

I seriously worry though for the near future. He's not going to stay at the school he's at forever and if he moves onto kindergarten next year then that will be his last year there.

It might also be our last year in Hoboken unless I can figure out an alternative that makes me as happy as Brandt school does...


We are all a little nervous for daddy tomorrow...

T minus 24 hours...

He has to be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 7:30am. That means he has to leave here at about 6am. That means I can't go with him because the kids don't start school till 8:30am.


I'd really wanted to be there with him while the checked him in and stay with him till he went in for the surgery...
and now thanks to the endless kindness of a wonderful friend I can be.

She bravely volunteered to watch the kids and take them to school while I take PT to the hospital.

I'm dropping the boys off at 6am at her house. Did I mention this amazing woman has a cracked rib AND pneumonia AND two kids of her own to get out the door to school?

She is a walking, breathing saint. Truly.

The hospital is a quick walk away from one of the Alice's Tea Cup restaurants. I will be bringing her home a bag of their scones knowing that there is no way Scones can equal her kindness...

Vicious and Virtuous

On April 17th, 2010 20 bakers will go head to head at Vicious & Virtuous Hoboken, NJ's 1st annual bake off fundraiser to benefit Autism Speaks.

We will have a panel of super cool judges who will decide winners in a few different categories and then a "best in show" winner that will be picked by our guests.

Our confirmed super cool judges are:
Bryan Petroff & Doug Quint of the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck
Niko Triantafillou of Dessert Buzz blog
Lev Ekster of the Cupcake Stop
Jerome Chang of Dessert Truck Works
Thomas DeGeest of Wafels and Dinges

Tickets to the event will be $20 each with all proceeds going to Autism Speaks.

Your ticket gets you a plate and a fork and you get to wander around and taste all the yummy goodness our bakers have brought with them.

The ticket will also act as a raffle ticket and at the end of the day we will draw numbers for prizes.


Do you think you're the best baker in all the land? Do you make the meanest cupcakes in the tri state area? Does your family rave about your cookies? Pals lust for your brownies? Co workers drool over your crumble?

Now is the time to put your baked goods where your mouth is!
On Saturday April 17th Cupcake Hussy will be sponsoring a bake off beat down to benefit our walk team Team Brian The Lion and Autism Speaks.

Pit your best effort against those of your peers. (Peers?! More like underlings!)
The winner will walk away with the satisfaction of having romped all over his or her competition,a tummy full of yummy baked goods & the warm fuzzies knowing they helped a really good cause.

We will also have a creative cupcakes area just for kids where they get to decorate their own cupcakes as well as a cupcake eating contest!!!

Our website is now up and running and you can enter the bake off there as well as get more information.

To make a donation to Autism Speaks through our walk team "Team Brian The Lion" or for more information on Autism Speaks or Autism Spectrum Disorders please go here:

Monday, March 1, 2010

More Videos

I found a whole lotta videos from a long time ago...

I think this is my very favorite PJ video

This next video makes me feel so uncomfortable. It brings back a time when I was an overwhelmed super clueless mother who couldn't handle two little boys and no time to myself and no help and no life. Lion was in his crib 90% of the time alone watching TV.
The guilt I have over this makes me sick to my stomach.
He is however super duper duper cute..

This video also makes me very happy

Here we go

Today he starts on his 48 hours of liquid diet. Tea, Water, Chicken Broth but no solids. Of course tonight I'm going out. It was planned at least two months ago and it's all paid for and I really want to go.
It's a cupcake baking class. How ironic and sad is that? I'm going to bake cupcakes and bring some home and he can't eat any of them...