Clarification

I know a few of you who pop over here, also have access to my darling husband's blog  and I wanted to make a quick clarification since my sweetie isn't into retractions or editing.

The reason I left Facebook is NOT because I'm the only kid out, though I do often feel this way, I know WHY I feel this way and also know that it's completely unfounded and when I stop to think about it, I get (got) invited to lots of places, all the time. My gals do a great job of trying to include me.

Everyone has that one Achilles's heel and for me, it's invites to social situations. As a little girl, I was always the only kid in the class either not invited, invited and ignored or I'd receive an invite only to be told that they invited me because they had to but would prefer if I didn't show up.

Can't tell you how many parties I got to hear about on Monday at school.

As an adult, this is the one thing that I'm insanely insecure about. Over the summer, it seems one of my pals invited a whole lotta mutual pals to her beach house and I only knew about it because I saw photos on the dreaded Facebook.  Not gonna lie, my feelings were super duper hurt and I started to question myself and get all manic and wacko and insecure.

When I hear of a get together, or a party that a friend had, I turn into that little girl in 5th grade who really wants to hang with the cool kids and is heartbroken that I wasn't cool enough to be a part of the party.

The rational adult in me KNOWS that no one is ever obligated to invite me everywhere and even the Queen of England doesn't get invited to all the parties but the irrational side of me wants to burrow into a hole and die and wants to slam doors and take all my toys and go home screaming "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU ANYWAY"

It's not cool, it's not adult but acceptance is something I've struggled with my entire life and I've learned as a defense mechanism to just say "Fuck you all. I'm outta here". I also need to get better at being a better friend and not expecting everyone else to pick up the phone or text me first.

That part, the reaching out part goes to my insane fear of rejection. Listen, you don't like me, that's totally cool. I'm not for everyone but if you like me and I think we are cool but you never have time for coffee or a play date when I suggest it or invite you out, that's going to make me INSANE and I will go into the "take my toys home" mode. It appears I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. I'm working on it. I really am.

HOWEVER, it's not really why I deleted Facebook. I was updating my profile every 30 seconds with total crap and nonsense. I was like a crack addict with the way I checked it all the time. I realized that most of the over 200 friends probably had my profile on ignore and the ones that didn't I'm sure rolled their eyes at a lot of my posts.

I was a huge pain in the ass and started to become really uncomfortable with myself and that fed my insecurities about acceptance. I realized I was on this icky path of self destruction, tearing down my own ego with what I thought others were thinking of me (When in reality I have no facts to base it on).

More than a few true good friends have asked where I went and I love them for that.

Where did I go? I went to Twitter. Listen, you can't take a Heroin Addict off of Heroin cold turkey. Most of them get Methadone. Consider Twitter my Methadone. I'm sure in time, that will disappear as well and I will be left with my solitary ways and I will become a total recluse with 900 cats.

So the short answer as to why I left Facebook? Call it a confidence breakdown. Will I be back? Don't know. I don't really miss it.

In the meantime, you can find me right here or on Twitter at CupcakeHussy.