Sunday, February 21, 2010

It's all about me!

I have the hardest time talking about myself.
I hate doing it and having to do it or being asked to do it gives me mini panic attacks.
I don't mean here in a blog or in my endless every 3o second facebook updates or in email.
I mean face to face, real life person to person one on one conversations.

I hate discussing issues, problems, troubles, worries, woes, anger, arguments...anything that might require me to discuss anything deep, really deep about myself or anything that leaves me open and vulnerable makes me feel super anxious.

By contrast I have no problem sharing embarrassing moments with folks (the time I rode the NYC pubic bus from school on 86th street down to 9th street and the hem of my skirt was completely tucked into my underwear and no one had the decency to share with me that they could all see my underwear. ALL of my underwear.)

I have no problem sharing stories that highlight what a buffoon I can be (the reason I no longer drink is because I no longer think my boobs are cute enough to show off to an entire bar)

I'll discuss, peeing, pooping, farting, vomiting, birth, labor, sex, drugs, and rock and roll all in one story but ask me to talk about my problems with my family or my husband and I break into a cold sweat.

I guess it's because I don't want people to judge my husband or my parents for the icky evil stories that I might tell about them.

Usually the in person discussion comes when the moment of anger or discord has passed and I often feel foolish for ranting and raving in the heat of the moment.

I have the ability to forgive and forget (or at times just forgive) to let whatever it was go and move on. I've always been this way. Heated and passionate in the moment. A penchant for drama and flair for angst but when the sun rises on a new day my anger is gone and the issue is usually done and gone for me.

Of course though my friends being friends are still concerned and feel that I want to talk and discuss and bash and whine. I usually don't and that's when I'm embarrassed and have those mini panic attacks.

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