Thursday, February 11, 2010

Domestic Doldrums

I'm addicted to Facebook. (Those on my friends list let me apologize right now for my endless stream of every 30 second updates. I'm sure many of you have me blocked and I wouldn't blame you and won't hold it against you)

The nice thing about Facebook is that it's allowed me to find people from my past that I would never have found otherwise.
With that however I have begun to feel a little left out. Many of my pals are still single with no kids and they are planning art shows, drag shows, vacations, events, they go to clubs, (did I mention vacations?) galleries, out to eat (did I mention vacations?) and appear to have a grand time doing it.

I see lots of my friends out there loud and proud being EXACTLY who they want to be doing EXACTLY what they want to be doing and never once apologizing for it.

I no longer dye my hair or get my nails done because I don't have the time to dedicate to the upkeep of either. I don't go shopping because really, where the hell do I go other than to and from school to get the kids?

Back in 2006 my hair was neon pink. I was so damn happy. I loved that color. PT and my mother shut it down. PT said "This isn't high school anymore" and my mother said it was irresponsible. I gave into peer pressure and dyed it back to a natural color.

I haven't had it colored since.

I'm dying for a couple of new tattoos. PT doesn't like them and so I've pestered him for 12 years to get a new one and so far nothing.

There are days when I feel like I'm drowning. Not being allowed to be who I am. If however I was given the freedom to not have to make the cupcakes and take them to school, to dye my hair, to go on trips, to tattoo head to toe would that make me happy?

I of course know the answer. No, no it would not. Not for one tiny second. To have those freedoms would mean that I didn't have PT and I didn't have my boys. Without them I'm lost.

So I'll roll on with my natural colored hair and tattoo free arms and yes, when I see someone with pink hair and tattoos I'll feel envious but only for a second and then I'll remind myself about how happy PJ was when I made cupcakes and took them to his classroom or how Lion runs to greet me each day when I pick him up from school.

I'm blessed and I know it. Once in a while though I get the domestic doldrums...

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