Saturday, December 11, 2010


It's over. We are home and my makeup is semi in tact and it's over.
I almost made it through without crying but Mom's best pal who I really like found me and pulled me to a corner to talk to me.

She told me that mom had told her on many occasions how proud she was of what a good job I was doing with the boys and how despite all the challenges tossed my way I was still turning out great little kiddos.
This caused me to break down and just lose it.
I sat there, tissue in hand tears streaming down my face unable to do anything but nod.

I wanted to thank N for all she's done for mom over the years and to tell her how amazing I think she is but I couldn't even get a squeak out. (I will be emailing her)

I eventually pulled it together but that was a rough moment for me. She was a woman I loved dearly and respected greatly and to know that something I did made her proud, knowing that she thought I was not screwing my pups up too badly (For the record, I think I'm a rather good mother. A little unconventional but good) meant the world to me. To know that when she discussed me, it was with kind words made me feel good.

When Lion was an itty bitty he couldn't stand being touched or held. I couldn't sing to him or rock him or play with him the way most kids are played with.
My MIL saw this and thought I didn't like him. She was afraid for him and for me. Only after he was diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum did it all fall into place for everyone around me.

I was of course, oblivious to how others perceived me and my parenting because I was truly trying to handle a 17 month old precocious little guy and a small baby who wanted nothing  I had to offer him and who had severe colic.

We were living in an apartment in a rough area of Brooklyn and I couldn't go anywhere or do anything because I couldn't get the double stroller on the bus and couldn't carry it up the stairs to the subway. I was isolated, depressed stuck at home with two little kids, trying to keep myself from going completely off the deep end.

It was a rough time for me, and the weakest time in my relationship with my MIL. We over came it and to hear that she was ultimately proud of me for something she had in the past been supremely critical of was so amazing for me to hear.

So many beautiful flowers were sent and that made me smile because she LOVED her flowers. The offerings would have pleased her greatly I know.

I will miss her voice and her laugh and our daily phone conversations. I'm always going to miss her but I'm so glad today is over. I'm exhausted.

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