July 26th, 2007

You

Your death has consumed me. It's overwhelmed me.

 It's like a blanket and I'm smothering.
The loss is too great. My heart is too heavy.
I cannot come to grips that you are gone.
I have no memory of a time without you. You were always in my life.
We were friends for 30 years. That's a hell of a long time. Everywhere I look I see you.

The love that is being shown for you is overwhelming.

The lives that you touched, the people you made better for just knowing them.

You would be pleased and embarrassed at all the fuss being made over you. I know you would.

Everytime I close my eyes I see you. You are so beautiful, so strong, so confident. You always were. From my first memory of you in school at age 3 or 4 I remember you as a presence. A force, a leader. A kind soul.
I almost feel like your life has been split in two parts. 

Those of us who knew you in the past and friendships faded and those who know you now. It's strange. I miss you for what you were, for the child, girl and woman I remember. The best friend. The girl who would sit in the back of my dad's car on the way to the club and be as giddy and giggly as a schoolgirl and when we got to the club we would do what my dad named the

 "fuck you strut". 

I can't do it anymore.  I've tried but I've lost my superpower. I guess it was your attitude and energy I was feeding off of.
I remember there was one random night in an unnamed club and I found a boy I thought was cute. We all went to a diner and all of a sudden he was sitting next to you. Since you and I were so very different in looks I asked him what was up. (It was a safe bet most nights that if a boy liked the tall leggy brunette he wasn't gonna want the short platinum blonde) I can hear his words as if he just spoke them he said "You're cute but she has a certain something. There's an energy about her. A presence"
He was right ya know. You do.  Everyone saw it and felt it.
I think the part of it all that bugs me the most is that we lost each other. We disconnected for a while but I never gave it too much thought because I knew no matter how far apart we were or how much time went by I could always call you and just say "Hey" and you would know who it was.
If I'd had a crystal ball I would have tried harder to be more of a part of your everyday life.
For that I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
I almost feel that because we weren't close in recent times I don't have the right to mourn you this intensely and with this heavy a heart. But I can't help it. You were my oldest and my closest friend. How many secrets do you take to the grave with you lady? How many late night therapy sessions?

Yesterday when I got the news it rained all day. It never once let up. Today I wanted to wake up feeling better, with a new perspective, a sence of  peace and solitude but I never slept last night so all the things I felt yesterday have carried over into today.

There is this huge hole in the world today and as I look out my window I see the world going on as normal around me but for me it's stopped.

I look at my kids as they are playing together (okay beating each other up) and I envy them that they don't know the feeling of their heartbreaking yet. They don't understand loss of this magnitude. They cry because the truck they want is just out of reach. I'm crying because I'm never gonna see you again.

I'm drowning...