Blessed

I read blogs like this one:
http://balefulregards.blogspot.com/2008/10/special-ed-lite-pt-1.html
and this one:
http://madgetastic.typepad.com/madgetastic/2008/03/picking-it-apar.html

and I am all the more thankful for where we landed to form roots for our family and for the people who helped me with Lion and getting him into the school he needed to be in with teachers that are good and kind and love him and are patient.

Just thinking about how all the puzzle pieces slid so effortlessly into place for us and it give me a lump in my throat and makes me want to cry and run to the roof and scream how wonderful Brian's therapists are.
Truly...
We are very very very lucky.

Must posess these...

Surely I will perish if these do not find their way to my feet.
I wear size 6 in ladies and size 4 in mens...

The best Sesame Street guest maybe ever...

I really hope you can see this video.
Just in case you can't here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esnDnIK2v1g



I adore Cab Calloway. He is one of my favorite big band leaders. Follow closely by Glenn Miller. Cab take top spot on my list because he was SUCH a showman. From birth to death he was on stage.

Here is another video of him on Sesame Street:



Apparently he appeared in 3 episodes of Sesame Street in 1978. Born in 1907 that makes him 71 in these videos. Man can still move and dance with the best of em...

He SPEAKS

As we were sitting here this evening just hanging around Lion said We. Are. Going. To. The. Park.
Clear as a bell. It took about 10 seconds for my brain to process what I'd just heard and I grabbed my camera to get him to PLEASE say it again. He did but he shortened it a little bit and it's not as clear as it was the firs time but here it is!
We also have no light in our living room beacuse some smarty pants kid decided to take apart the remote control to the light/fan and now we can't turn it on. Sorry it's so dark...

It's not even 7:00 yet!

When the kids are in school I have 6 hours of "me" time. I tend to be very very selfish with this time.
It took me 4 very long years of never having a single second to myself to get here and so I want to selfishly enjoy it. I don't get to relax on weekends and I don't get "down time" or time to relax other than that 6 hours.
When the boys are home they are 100% my responsibility. PT claims he needs his down time on the weekends and while he will take PJ out and do stuff with him most of his weekends are spent right here on his laptop with his headset on playing Warcraft.
I don't want to spend this time doing laundry or cleaning.
This family accumulates more laundry than any other family I've ever seen. It's amazing to me the mountains that pile up.
I usually get up at around 5:00 to start doing laundry. Laundry is in the building's basement and there are two machines down there.
Usually the kids are asleep when I start this whole process and Lion isn't aware that I'm out of his sightline.
Except this morning. Humphrey our resident Basset Hound woke up at 4:30. I had to take him out.
Lion lept out of bed and when he realized what I was doing I began to protest. This continued out in the very quiet hall where he followed me waiting, howling, rattling the doorknob sobbing.
We came back inside and I calmed everyone down gave them breakfast and proceded to collect the bag of laundry and drag it to the door.
No protest from Lion so I thought we would be okay and I could sneak out.
I'm in the basement knee deep in laundry when I hear my door rattle and slam shut. Then I hear the familiar "mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy" (sniffle, snortle, sob)
Deep breath mommy.
"Lion I'm down here. I'll be up in a second"
"MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" and then it's quiet.
I grab the clean laundry and carry it up the stairs two at a time like baby. I hear Lion's faint voice which now sounds confused and VERY scared but soft like he's whispering
"Mommy? Mommy?"
I run into the building vestibule thinking he somehow got the front door open. No Lion.
I run to the basement stairs and call to him "Lion?? Where ARE you?"
again the soft "Mommy?"
I realized it's coming from upstairs. I start to take the stairs 2 at a time (which if you've seen me lately you will know this is all momma bear adrenaline ) all the way up to the 5th floor where I find my sweet scared Lion huddled waiting and very confused.
"MOMMY"
I've never been hugged so tight by him ever. He had a choke hold around my neck as though if he let go I would disappear again.
My poor little lion. What on earth can the rest of the day hold if it's started out in such a dramatic fashion?

Playdates...

PJ started school last year (Hoboken has an Abbott program that accepts 3 and 4 year olds) but because The Lion and his intense therapies were my primary focus, I did not have time for the park and did not have time for play dates.
This year I have both The Lion and PJ in school same building, two different programs a floor apart.
After school at the start of the year we were at the park every single day and so was it seemed half of PJ's class.
I found this really really really really groovy mommy that wouldn't accept my being a loner on the other side of the playground.
PJ LOVES her son and I love her and her son is really good with Lion so it's cool.
My concern was that PJ and this other kid play VERY rough with each other.
I mean rough to the point where other parents were giving us funny looks for allowing the behavior to go on.
This is going to sound like a typical mother "my kid can do no wrong" but I SWEAR it's not.
PJ is rough and can hold his own but in this relationship he's the submissive dom. (IS there such a thing? For the sake of this situation there is now)
His friend is clearly clearly Alpha pup.
Other parents have eluded to not wanting their kids around this kid beacuse he's so aggressive. (They know I'm good friends with his mommy though and so they don't say too much)
I don't want PJ to have the same reputation beacuse I KNOW he is a multi-faceted kid.
I know he can be kind and gentle and compassionate and I've seen him be kind and gentle with his brother and other little kids.
I was going to have to suck it up and make nice with the other parents.

A little rewind on my history before the present can make any sort of sense:
I am the most anti-social mother out there. Actually truth be told I've always been anti social or awkward in social situations.
As a little girl I was the most unpopular kid in school.
I had no friends, I was invited to parties beacuse I had to be and when that rule didn't apply then I just wasn't invited.
I ate lunch alone and was picked on and made fun of.
I finally figured out that I am no good at being social. Being around people exhausts me.
I am happiest when I am alone.
I am uncomfortable with small talk and my humor tends to be on the brash side.
I am not a girly girl. I am a punk-ish mommy and while I'm comfortable with who I am not everyone else is.

Normally I'd tell the world to go fuck itself and slam the door but this time it's not just me. My two small guys need friends. They need to be social.
The playground is really rather painful for me. I have no catchy opening lines to start a conversation with other parents and am usually good with the "Hi, how are you's" and then that's it.
I can usually be found sitting on a bench by myself.

I learned a long time ago that Shakespeare was right "To thine own self be true" and so I don't pretend to fit in or be like the other mommies.
I wear my pink docs and my black patent leather docs to the playground and while the other mom's are carrying Coach diaper bags I have my custom hot pink and white glitter vinyl monster with faux leopard lining. One of my very astute friends commented that I'm the poison dart frog of the playground.

While other animals use camouflage to blend in and not be eaten the Poison Dart Frog wears bright colors to tell predators don't come near me. I'm icky and dangerous.
Maybe she's right.

So now here I am, as introverted as they come, and the mother of two little boys who crave social interaction.
As I said I didn't want PJ to be blacklisted or branded as something he is not thereby ruining any chance of other friends and other play dates.
Thankfully there is a wonderful mother to a beautiful little girl in PJ's class who mast have taken pity on me after a few superficial conversations in the park invited us to her house for a play date.
I was nervous. I begged the boys in urgent hushed tones to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be good and play nice.
Thankfully it went really well and the mom made me feel very comfortable and it was very easy to be with her.
I immediately invited them to our home for a reciprocal play date. That too went well. Is this what it was like? This wasn't too hard to do. I could handle this!
Lion's classroom is a whole other ball of wax. The mothers in that room are bonded and have established friendship and have made it clear that none of them want to get to know me.
I've been to two class events (A field trip and a Thanksgiving party) and both I spent alone or with Lion.
If his teacher didn't talk to me I wouldn't have said a word to anyone that whole day.
I just don't think they know what to do with me.
I'm the mother who drops and leaves. I don't hang around the classroom. When Brian is having a tantrum I don't stay to console him because I know it won't help. It must look horrible though.
It really feels like junior high in that classroom only this time when I'm ignored it makes me laugh and shake my head...

100 Things about me

Another idea yanked from my friends blog but I really like it...

1. I am ambidextrous when it comes to using a computer mouse.
2. I use said computer mouse upside down. (Meaning the buttons are facing me)
3. I am horrible at math. I still have to do basic addition on my fingers.
4. I have an ear for accents and can mimic them almost flawlessly.
5. My favorite accent is an Irish Brogue. I don't care if you look like Billy Goat Gruff. Keep talking and I'll hang on your every word.
6. I love tattoos and if I had my way I'd have a few more than I do.
7. In the 80's I was a big hair rock chick.
8. I am a horrible liar
9. I was born and raised in Manhattan.
10.I long for the day when I can move out of the city to someplace rural.
11.I am happiest when I am alone.
12.I love to have people over to my house and have parties and get togethers.
13.I cannot stand body piercings. They creep me out.
14.My favorite color is pink.
15.I have never done a single illegal drug in my life.
16.I never drink booze.
17.I tend to be very passive aggressive.
18.I love to bake.
19.I have an obsession with Italianate Mansions.
20.I have a very hard time asking for help.
21.I tend to be lazy.
22.I would rather pay someone do to the work than do it myself.
23.I love Zoology.
24.I would love to drive cross country in an Airstream Trailer
25.I want to purchase a large old home and convert it to a B&B.
26.I drink way too much Diet Coke.
27.I frequently wonder what my life would be like with no kids
28.I love to travel.
29.I am a very uncomplicated person.
30.I'm extremely opinionated.
31.I tend to talk to much.
32.I wear my heart on my sleeve.
33.I absolutely hate my hair.
34.My eyes are too small and too close together
35.My eyes are my favorite feature.
36.I love getting massages.
37.I have an obsession with Interior Design.
38.I have no desire for any other babies or children.
39.I never felt that strong tug to have a baby.
40.I went to private school my whole life.
41.I drove an Audi when I turned 16.
42.I would rather do something that I'm passionate about and make minimum wage than do something that is just a job for a huge salary.
43.I don't have many talents but those that I do have I think are very strong.
44.I have issues with being in control.
45.I spent half my life trying to be cool and popular.
46.I've spent the rest of it going against the grain.
47.I have no pictures of my kids in the apartment.
48.I'll never be a MILF but I will be a "cool" parent.
49.I suck at doling out discipline. I'm the Rodney Dangerfield of mother's. No respect.
50.I quite often threaten my children with a phone call to their father. (It works)
51.I have spanked both boys and I won't hesitate to do it again.
52.I carry massive massive guilt for not spending enough time with Brian when he was a baby.
53.I sometimes think his PDD-NOS might be the fault of my being overwhelmed with two kids and not giving him the attention he needed.
54.I loved being pregnant and for the right price would consider doing Surrogate motherhood.
55.I realized just how strong a woman I am when I had to take the dog out the day I got home from the hospital with Patrick.
56.I learned just how far I will go for my kids when we went to the Brooklyn Aquarium a week after Brian was born.
57.I sometimes feel I got cheated having both kids via C-Section.
58.I wish I had told the Dr. I wanted to have Brian naturally since he was coming anyway. (C-Section schedule for 9:00am on May 6th and he decided he was coming naturally. Contractions, water broke, dilation and still I agreed to a C-Section)
59.I really was and still am OK with Mike's decision not to want to be present for a vaginal birth of either of his sons. Both were C-Sections and he was there for both.
60.I love that my mother, my father and my sister were all with me and stayed up all night the 15 hours I was in labor with PJ.
61. I love that I have such a close family.
62. I am closer to my sister than anyone else and consider her my very best friend.
63. I am adopted.
64. I have never had any desire to seek out my birth family.
65. I do wonder if my birth mother ever thinks of me and if she ever regrets her decision.
66. I do not regret her decision.
67. I was a spoiled rotten teenager blessed with a father who gave me everything.
68. I used to have a horse and thought that's what I wanted to do with my life.
69. I miss having a horse and riding.
70. I owe much of who I am today to my best friend who was killed in a motorcycle accident in July of 2007.
71. I still cry when I think about her.
72. I don't have any photos of my family in my apartment but her photo is in a silver frame on my computer desk.
73. I love to take pictures and do so on an almost obsessive level.
74. I often feel my life is stuck in neutral.
75. I desperately want to gut and renovate the kitchen and the bathroom in our apartment.
76. I love Basset Hounds and don't think I'll ever not have one in my life.
77. I was kicked out of college.
78. I wasn't unhappy that I was kicked out of college.
79. I haven't driven a car in 10 years.
80. As a child I was petrified of subway trains and tracks.
90. I love the way the air smells in the winter before it snows.
91. I could move to our house in the Berkshires and be very happy there.
92. It's very important to me that my children have good manners.
93. I love music from the 80's.
94. I have very little shame in my game.
95. It's extremely hard to embarrass me.
96. I want to move to Vermont or New Hampshire.
97. I am under 5' tall.
98. I can admit when I'm wrong
99. My relationship with PT is a traditional male dominated "father knows best" style and I'm very happy with it.
100. I can't apply lipstick to save my life so I usually don't wear it.