If the kids don't kill me the dog is going to

I am a food slave to a Basset Hound.
His name is Humphrey but more often goes by Sir Fuzzy Butt.
We got him when he was only 8 weeks old. He's now 10 1/2. He's so good with the kids. Patient and kind and tolerant though in his old age he's become quite the curmudgeon. He spends his day sleeping or surfing the floors for food.

Since the boys were added to our family, his life has few bright spots. Hot Dog night is high on his list. Pizza night is not far behind but his two bright spots are my mother and sister.

Lordy does he love these women. He does back flips for them and turns into a school boy with a crush.
My mother came to visit yesterday and he didn't know she was coming. If a dog could smile, he was beaming like the winner of the lottery. TAKEMEOUTTAKEMEOUTTAKEMEOUTPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE TAKEMEOUT. See, they take him on nice long walks around the block or in the warm weather around the neighborhood. He sees them and he KNOWS he's going out to sniff and mark and be social with any other dogs he might see. He knows when he comes home he's going to get a cookie and a lap to put his head in and he's going to get love. Lots and lots of love.
Not that he doesn't get that from me. It's just different.

Once in a while we will take him out to the yard and let him gallop around. I almost always regret doing it but he loves it so much.
In the summer he always comes back with a tick or two or he rolls in poop left by other dog owners or the cats. Oh the cats.
Two feral cats have taken up residence in our yard and someone has put out a shelter for them and puts out food and water for them.

Yesterday Humphrey made a beeline for their food and before I could stop him he had almost licked their bowl clean.

Today he woke up super duper sick.
Pooping all over the house, vomiting, peeing everywhere, more lethargic than usual...
I'd had plans to take the kids to the movies with my pal and her much loved offspring. (The boys were fighting over the daughter and who was going to hold her hand)
I crossed my fingers and went despite the dog's condition. I figured it was just an hour and he would be fine.
I get a text from PT.
"The dog is pooping and peeing all over. What do I do?"
Did I mention that PT will not take care of the dog. He does not walk him, will not be responsible for him and while he loves him (I think) he wants no part of what the dog might need, or want.
Humphrey is all me and all my responsibility.
I knew I had to leave the movie and take care of the mess. Thankfully my pal offered to bring my munchkins home at the end of the film and I hopped into a cab and zoomed home.

I've spend the rest of my day catering to the hound.
I know he doesn't feel well. I get it but he's starting to become that irritating sick patient who has a bell by their bed and rings it when they need you. Humphrey doesn't ring. He WHINES. It's just 9:00 in the past hour he's gone out NINE TIMES. NINE.
I'm afraid to call his bluff and tell him to stuff it lest he poops all over the floor again. (I've already cleaned up two floor poops and about 6 poopie diapers today. No more poop for me till tomorrow morning.)
Dude, it's 23 degrees outside and I have no idea where your leash or harness are. I've been taking him out using a belt in a loop around his neck and the last 4 times I haven't even put my coat on!

He hasn't eaten anything but he's drinking a whole lot which is why he has to go out.
If he's feeling better tomorrow we will go to white rice and steamed chicken.
If he isn't feeling better tomorrow I'm going to go out for a walk and I might not coming back.
Between him and the kids and PT Monday seriously cannot come fast enough!!!
Mommy needs a break from taking care of folks and dogs!