Hope

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."

Tomorrow at 4pm Brian has an appointment for his Psychiatric Evaluation.
He was sent home yesterday suspended until he receives a Evaluation from a Psychiatrist. The school wants to be sure there isn't more to his anger and rage and violent behavior than just the PDD-NOS.

Today was a weird day for me. I wasn't sure if I should treat this whole thing like a punishment or as just a day off from school. I'm not sure he really understands what is going on or why he's not in school.

I don't know how to feel or act or think because I don't know what we are dealing with. Not knowing how to treat your own child is a very odd feeling.

I love my Lion and want him to know that whatever this is, whatever he's going through he's not alone and I'm with him every single step of this battle and will always be with him no matter what.

I went with that and he and I spent a low key day together.

A hell of a lot is hinging on this appointment tomorrow. A lot of folks are waiting to read his report and see his official diagnosis. A lot of folks are hoping this guy can tell us what we are seeing, what my son is going through and what, if anything we can do to help him deal with it, manage it, live with it.

Part of me wants him to find something, to diagnosis yet another disorder in my son so I have another monster to battle. Put a name, a label on what this is so I can dig my claws and fangs into it and fight it and help my son make peace with whatever this is.

I want him to tell me he knows where all this anger and hatred and violence is coming from and I want to be able to go back to school and tell them that he's fixable and will be okay.

The other side of me isn't sure I want to hear that my poor sweet guy has more demons he needs to battle, more labels, more hurdles, more obstacles. I don't want life to be any harder for him than it is right now.

I do not think I am going to sleep very well tonight.