Chilly D

Can spring get here sooner than scheduled please? I'm kinda tired of wearing leggings under sweatpants, huge thick socks, long sleeved tees and heavy hoodies and still being freezing cold!

Pete Seeger

I woke to the news that Pete Seeger passed last night.
As a child who's formative years were in the 1970's I grew up listening to Pete Seeger on vinyl. His music for children evokes some of the warmest childhood feels I have.
I remember listening to his records while swinging in the hammock my dad had up in the living room.
This song in particular was one of my favorites to sing with my dad. He would play his guitar and we would sing together acting out the parts (jump, tip toe, roll along)
Thank you Mr. Seeger for all the wonderful music you gave us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zp9ePiLMAhY

Hibernation

I've gone into a modified cyber hibernation again. I do this every once in a while to clear my head and get my soul straight.
I've put Twitter, Instagram & Facebook on lock down. It's going to be a while till I post on any of them again.

Not to get too deep and lola granola but really who gives a fuck? Who truly, honestly cares about the shit I spew forth in a rapid fire fashion every day? I'm not asking who cares about me as a person, I'm asking does anyone really care about all the updates and pictures I post?

I can guarantee you they do not. Likewise I'm not really sure I care about the part your kid got in the school play or to peruse your photos of your last family vacation.
So why bother?

We as humans are so involved with our own lives and our own shit that when you disappear hardly anyone notices.
Social Media is the perfect platform to indulge our highly narcissistic ways. Let me talk about me and tell you what I think about what you are doing.
I understand that we all desperately want to matter. We want to count, we want to be noticed. I do too. Believe me. Trying so hard to remain relevant and fun gets exhausting though. 

I realize my life just ain't that exciting and nobody really gives a shit if I'm at school dropping off the kids or if I killed it at Boot Camp today. Nobody wants to hear that we are home with the flu or that we are off to Disney World.

People are just too involved with their own stuff to care if I'm there or if I'm gone. It has been over 48 hours since my last post and I GUARANTEE you, I am not missed. My contact info is in my profile. Both my email and my phone number. Everyone who knows me knows my husband. I will be totally shocked if anyone tries to check in on me. (and not because they have read this but truly because they miss me)

Don't think these words are coming from self pity or depression. They aren't. They are simply facts to be accepted the same way you would accept my telling you that I am not a natural blonde.

Without my social media "friends" I will be in silence most of the day. I do not have people I talk to on the phone, do not have friends that I text daily. Aside from the throw away polite conversations I have at school and at boot camp I do not talk to people.  I look forward to this solitude.

I will be changing my routines. Getting up before the sun to get to an early boot camp each morning. There is something very rewarding at being done with a daily workout before the rest of the world has even brushed their teeth.

I will not spend as much of my day on the computer or checking my phone as I did before. There is no need.
I will be reading books, training for my upcoming kettlebell certification and then competition. I will be applying for and studying like a fiend to pass my personal trainer certificate course.  

I will be rewriting my business plan for my company and hunting down a new commercial kitchen to work from. I will be focusing back on my Disney Vlogs & getting them out there again. I will be inspired by myself daily, finding validation and encouragement from me alone, not worrying about being cool or thinking of something funny to say.

Will I have moments that I want to share? Sure I will, LOTS of them. We are leaving for Disney World in 16 days. It will be odd not posting one status update, not foursquaring my location, not posting hundreds of photos from the parks. It will be strange not checking Facebook on the bus ride back to the hotel.  I think that I will survive though. 

Funny. As I'm typing this blog I got this email from Facebook.

Clearly life on the internet rolls on...

Lion

April is Autism Awareness month!!
We kicked it off with a serious bang around here.

Took the pups to Boot Camp today & though he appeared excited it quickly became clear Bri did not want to be there. (Not uncommon that his mood does not align with what he's feeling)
He got dark & broody & set his sights on Patrick. (Also not uncommon) hitting him, yelling at him, telling him he wished he didn't have a brother & eventually escalated to biting him on the back. (A behavior I thought we were done with) it was a very rough morning that came to a head with a super angry Bri yelling at a stranger on the street "ugly old lady get out of my way".

This is my life. It's not every day but on the days he gets like this he is completely unable to self regulate. He cannot calm himself down, has no self control & only wants to hurt everyone around him.

He cannot be reasoned with & I found myself this morning bopping back & forth between trying to get him to calm down & reassuring PJ that his brother did indeed love him.

These days come with no warning & have no way to resolve them a second before he is ready.

Boot Camp kicked my ass physically but Lion exhausted my soul today.

I do not think I can trust him at the 9am class tomorrow morning.

I will still make it to class but it will be the 8pm class tomorrow night.

Never a dull moment around here

July 23rd,2007

The death of a friend

How can this be?
It wasn't supposed to happen like this lady.
Not this young. Not now. Not ever but really not now.
She was my sister, my mother and my best friend, my partner in crime.
If you had told me when we were 12,13,14,15 that she was going to die before the age of 35 I would have called you a liar.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she's not here anymore.
We used to joke with each passing birthday that we needed walkers with racing stripes and Geritol and now I'm really going to be the only one who will need them because she's not going to get any older.
I just...I'm sitting here sobbing remembering all the giddy stupid nights we spent at her dad's place getting ready to go to some show or some club.
Remembering how much she loved life and how everyone around here was affected by her. Not one person got away unscathed. EVERYONE knew she was a special lady and love her or hate her you were changed after having met her.
We haven't been close in recent years and I've missed her.
She never met Brian my youngest son and really only saw PJ when he was a small fry.
When I talk about her thought I still call her my best friend beacuse to me she is. There will never be another Chrissy. No one will ever take her spot as my best friend.
I have a vault of memories that were just she and I. No one else shared them and now I'm the only one.
If I mention Round up Ranch and the lost sweatshirt not one of you will get it but she would. If I yelled "Squidlinks" you wuold all look at me weird but she would crack up laughing.
If I said to you "Say it with flowers" you would think of FTD but she and I had a whole nother meaning for it.
The list goes on and on and on.
She and I knew each other for 30 years. Since 2nd grade. That's a hell of a long time and a hell of a lot of history.
I'm gonna miss you girl like nobodys business.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do in this world knowing you aren't in it anymor

July 26th, 2007

You

Your death has consumed me. It's overwhelmed me.

 It's like a blanket and I'm smothering.
The loss is too great. My heart is too heavy.
I cannot come to grips that you are gone.
I have no memory of a time without you. You were always in my life.
We were friends for 30 years. That's a hell of a long time. Everywhere I look I see you.

The love that is being shown for you is overwhelming.

The lives that you touched, the people you made better for just knowing them.

You would be pleased and embarrassed at all the fuss being made over you. I know you would.

Everytime I close my eyes I see you. You are so beautiful, so strong, so confident. You always were. From my first memory of you in school at age 3 or 4 I remember you as a presence. A force, a leader. A kind soul.
I almost feel like your life has been split in two parts. 

Those of us who knew you in the past and friendships faded and those who know you now. It's strange. I miss you for what you were, for the child, girl and woman I remember. The best friend. The girl who would sit in the back of my dad's car on the way to the club and be as giddy and giggly as a schoolgirl and when we got to the club we would do what my dad named the

 "fuck you strut". 

I can't do it anymore.  I've tried but I've lost my superpower. I guess it was your attitude and energy I was feeding off of.
I remember there was one random night in an unnamed club and I found a boy I thought was cute. We all went to a diner and all of a sudden he was sitting next to you. Since you and I were so very different in looks I asked him what was up. (It was a safe bet most nights that if a boy liked the tall leggy brunette he wasn't gonna want the short platinum blonde) I can hear his words as if he just spoke them he said "You're cute but she has a certain something. There's an energy about her. A presence"
He was right ya know. You do.  Everyone saw it and felt it.
I think the part of it all that bugs me the most is that we lost each other. We disconnected for a while but I never gave it too much thought because I knew no matter how far apart we were or how much time went by I could always call you and just say "Hey" and you would know who it was.
If I'd had a crystal ball I would have tried harder to be more of a part of your everyday life.
For that I don't think I will ever forgive myself.
I almost feel that because we weren't close in recent times I don't have the right to mourn you this intensely and with this heavy a heart. But I can't help it. You were my oldest and my closest friend. How many secrets do you take to the grave with you lady? How many late night therapy sessions?

Yesterday when I got the news it rained all day. It never once let up. Today I wanted to wake up feeling better, with a new perspective, a sence of  peace and solitude but I never slept last night so all the things I felt yesterday have carried over into today.

There is this huge hole in the world today and as I look out my window I see the world going on as normal around me but for me it's stopped.

I look at my kids as they are playing together (okay beating each other up) and I envy them that they don't know the feeling of their heartbreaking yet. They don't understand loss of this magnitude. They cry because the truck they want is just out of reach. I'm crying because I'm never gonna see you again.

I'm drowning...

I think I've got it now

A blog I'd written about Chrissy shortly after her death in 2007

 I think I know what it was about her. What made her special and stand out from the rest.

She was the epitome of cool. She could take anything and rock it. She was so amazingly versatile in her ways and was always reinventing herself.
When she was a glam kid, she took it and lived it 100%. From polka dots to pigtails, from lunchboxes to lollypops, it was all her.
She did Goth for a while and managed to make the most beautiful Goth Chick I think I'd ever seen. If you never got a chance to see her in black Vinyl then I'm sorry because you missed a heavenly vision.

When she went Rockabilly it was like she was born in the 1950's. She never went repro; it was true blue vintage for her all the way and nothing less.

When you were with her, she made you feel special and cool. Like there was always a velvet rope around you and you were a living breathing VIP room.

She was elegant and refined and classy and smart. Wise beyond her years and talented. She loved life. She never let anything stand in the way of what she wanted. She lived on her terms. If you were lucky to be there for the ride, you were family. If not, get out of her way because she would have run you over.

She was one of those few individuals who truly understood the saying "life every day as though it's your last" She always did.

I always felt a bit in awe of her. As a teenager, trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in she never did. She always knew exactly who she was and who she was going to be.

She was a leader, if she had wanted to start her own religion I believe getting a flock together wouldn't have been difficult for her. People wanted to be around her. They listened to what she had to say and emulated her in fashion and style.

Even now at the tender age of 34 I still find myself asking "Would Chrissy think this is cool?" and on nights out I've been known to email her photos of outfits for her thumbs up or down.

She could make anyone a friend. All she had to do was smile at you.

I always wondered if there was much she couldn't do? She was a published author, world traveler, talented horsewoman, she could draw, paint, sew, sing and tell me she wasn't truly gifted with a makeup brush.

She was always up for anything and loved to be spontaneous.

With her, you never quite knew what the day would bring.

I'm going to miss that.