A few clowns short of a circus

2012-01-17T13:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to speak with the owner of a new bakery in Hoboken about renting her kitchen. She proposed $100 for three hour blocks of time after hours. This would work for me, only if I could guarantee orders that would bring me more than $100 worth of cookies. The plus side is that I don't have to worry about the cost of opening up my own space and all that goes with it, including the risk. The down side is that it's not mine, and I'm limited to doing catering and wholesale orders. I'm not crossing it off by any means and will be calling her in a few weeks to discuss it further.

Today I went to take a second look at the Jersey City Storefront.
I really like it and think it could totally work. They are in the process of renovating the entire building which is why it's such a total mess. It's in a great location, two blocks from the Grove Street PATH Station and right across the street from City Hall.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with the counselor from the Small Business Association. He will help me figure out if this is a viable dream I have and if so, how to go about achieving it the right way.

I've gotta be me

2012-01-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

“Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when the person looks back-she will hear her heart”

I am not a very talented gal. I'm not good at a whole lot, but I know this and I've done lots of soul searching and made actual lists, on paper, with a pen of where my strengths are and where my weaknesses are and I know what I am and am not capable of.

I KNOW Christopher Street Cookies is something I have to do and I know I can do it and be successful at it.

I've been waiting for the right time for 5 years and within that time I've developed a very very crystal clear vision of what I want this venture to be an how I want it to be organized and what I'm looking to achieve at the end of the day.

With this I'm doing it the right way, getting all the proper ducks in a row, getting all the guidance, wisdom, information, and help that I can from everyone around me.

I'm also exploring every single option available to me. Every way this business can be run, I'm looking into it. I've looked at just wholesale from a closed private kitchen to going to see a rental retail store front and next week I'm going to talk to the owner of a brand new not yet opened bakery here in Hoboken about renting her commercial kitchen.

I'm doing my homework on the best equipment and how to get it for the cheapest price. Working out the list of the bare minimum I need to start up.
I've spent hours doing research on licenses and permits and certifications and finding out exactly what I need to well wholesale, retail and to rent space in a kitchen.

On Wednesday I have a meeting with a counselor from the NJ SBA to help me with my business plan and to discuss what small business loans are available to women business owners. He will serve as my guide and mentor throughout this process.
I am going about all this in the way it needs to be done to be a raging success. I'm not doing this on a whim or going into it with Pollyanna blinders on.
I've joined a networking group for entrepreneurial mothers here in Hoboken.

I've put lots and lots of hours into doing my homework and getting educated on what all this really truly takes.

I have to try. I have to. It's almost to the point where it isn't a choice anymore. The drive, the desire, the dream is so strong that to ignore it is exhausting.

Everyone around me assumes there is no way I can do this and be a success.
Maybe they are right but I look at people like Milton Hershey & Debbi Fields & Walt Disney or even the band Kiss, and while I don't aspire to be as huge as they are (though, why the hell not?! If you are going to dream, dream big right?) they all started out with less than nothing and built empires.

They all had the same passion for something, they had a vision and a goal, a desire to be more than what everyone around them thought they could be.

Baking makes me happy and it's something I'm good at. I don't want to go and work long hours to make someone else a success. If I'm going to work hard, it's going to be for me. For my future, for my kids future, for my family's future. For my mental health and happiness.

Everyone asks me what I'm going to do if I fail. I ask myself what am I going to do when I succeed. When this dream comes to a reality, I will put my blood, sweat and tears into making in the biggest success it can be. Failure doesn't scare me.

Is it going to be long hours and hard work? Yup. Is my family going to have to hang in with me for a little bit and show me extra patience? Yup.

I'm not even an official company yet and I have my first party order. Can you imagine what's going to happen when I start putting my product and company name in people's faces?

I have no delusions that this is going to be a cake walk or that it's going to be an easy venture but I'm ready for it. My kids are ready for it (yes, I've had conversations with them about it all)

I cannot leave this world having been too afraid, or having waited for the right moment

I think Sammy said it best:

TCB cookies!

2012-01-10T21:09:00.000-05:00

The TCB cookie version 1 LIVES!
These cookies are insane. I think I might pull a muscle from patting myself on the back.
This version is peanut butter cookies, banana frosting, and crispy bacon.
If I were going to change anything, I'd bake the cookies a touch longer. They are a little on the gooey side.We will see how a few hours in the fridge goes as far as helping them to set up.

These cookies need to be consumed with a HUGE glass of milk or cup of coffee.

I put them together two ways.
Sandwich:

and "open face" :

Tomorrow we will try the banana cookies with the peanut butter frosting...and of course we will have bacon. Gotta have bacon...

CSC

2012-01-04T07:28:00.001-05:00

I'm so excited! Look what I've got!!! Click on them to enlarge. She finally looks the way I want her to!

Socializing Kids

2012-01-01T11:21:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what my malfunction is as a parent but my kids have no friends. Okay, that's slightly dramatic but not too far from the truth.
In the entire year of 2011 my kids had two play dates. Both were with the same set of siblings and one of them was because I was babysitting the four boys.
My boys don't get invited to play dates, or birthday parties, they've never had a sleepover and never get any phone calls.
Lion I'm not so concerned about. The class that he's in now, the socialization just isn't there and I expect less than nothing from his classmates as far as friendships.
PJ's class though is a whole other ball of wax. I've tried to set up play dates for him, tried to make plans but it seems no one wants to hang with him. I'm not going to chase the other parents to force my son on them but it's hard sending out an email inviting classmates over for a play date and getting nothing back from the other parent.
I'm planning his 8th birthday party now and I designed a super cool invitation, made sure it got into everyone's backpacks prior to the holiday break. I followed the invite up with a heads up email to all the parents alerting them to it and I've gotten two emails back from fellow parents. Two out of fourteen. The party is less than a week away.
This morning I sent out another email as a gentle reminder that I needed a headcount for the party and could the parents please let me know if their kids were coming.
Since I err on the side of dramatic, I'm going to drop dead if only two of his classmates show up. Seriously. I might truly faint dead away if I have 2500 sq feet of play space rented, tons of cool Star Wars stuff and two kids.
The rational side of me knows that most folks have been away and probably didn't get the email or open their kids backpacks to see the invite and they will respond tomorrow or Tuesday.
Then the little voice whispers
"But what if they don't?"
and I kick into serious crisis mode all over again.
I am planning for and expecting the worst case situation.
I'm working on my
"Don't base your self worth on how many kids came to your birthday party" speech
(even though I know, at his age that's a bunch of bullshit and he's going to remember the lack of friends for the rest of his life) and if the worst case does come true, if we have only a smattering of friends and the turnout is less than expected I'm going to pull out my for emergency only card and surprise him on Monday by pulling him out of class and taking him to the city to Alice's Tea Cup for a birthday surprise high tea.

dreams

2011-12-31T10:09:00.001-05:00

It's really hard to be excited about your dreams and plans when no one supports you or wants to help you.

It's the very reason why I've put what I want on the back burner for so long. There are only so many times a person can get excited and then get shot down before they shut down.

I'm at that point now. I'm done discussing what I'm planning and I understand that my support is limited.
I'm just going to do what I need to do to make my dreams real and you can all be surprised when it happens.

I won't look to family for assistance or guidance or excitement. I can't rely or depend on them. I can't blame them either. It's not their dream and they've heard me chirp about it for so long I'm sure they are numb to it.

I'm going to have to find another way to get what I want.
I'm a resourceful gal. I'll figure it out.

Shasta

2011-12-30T21:29:00.001-05:00

So today I had this crazy epiphany about my business plan and how I can set it apart and make it cooler and more ass kicking than anything else out there.
Do all my baking in the rented space that will be pimped out as my small commercial kitchen and then get a vintage trailer to use for event catering and to bring my cookies to the people.
Not just any stupid old food truck though. No dopey step van for my business. Oh no.
No, we go super cool vintage bad ass.
We go with a Shasta Trailer.

(gesticulating wildly like a game show bimbo) Huh?! Huh?! Come on! That's some cool stuff right there!
I know what you are thinking.
You are thinking
"Diana, WHERE are you going to park a trailer in Hoboken?!"
Silly silly common folk. (patting you all on the head)
We park her at the Monroe Center!
Stop. I know what you are thinking now.
"Diana, that's not a truck, that's a trailer. You will need to buy a car or truck to pull it"
Yup and ya know what? I'm gonna need a car/truck/SUV anyway if I'm going to do deliveries. We find a used truck or whatever with enough horsepower to pull a 14' trailer and we are killing two birds with one stone.
(sitting back and looking triumphant)
Oh, but this story isn't over! I didn't start this to tell you how I have this all worked out. I started to share because I wanted to tell you how the universe/fate/God/whatever has once again thrown a sign my way that I cannot ignore.
I went hunting for a Shasta just to see how much one might cost and the first place I searched (South Jersey) brought me back this:

1962 Shasta Travel Trailer that was partially restored for a mobile coffee shop. Frame was reinforced for extra weight in trailer, rough wiring is finished for all electrical appliances. New insulation board has been installed, as well as many other upgrades. The trailer is great for somebody that wants to start a mobile food business or who is just getting it for recreational purposes. Give me a call and I will answer any questions you may have, and we can set up a time for you to come see it! $4,000 OBO Call Joan at (732)xxx-xxxx or E-mail, Thanks. PLEASE NO SCAMMERS OR TELEMARKETERS

Is that just a teeny tiny weird or is it just me?
I contacted the owner and asked what she thought it would take to finish it up inside. She said she thinks about $3,000 to restore it.

Hubs is headed down to Atlantic City this weekend and I'm hoping that I can convince him to convince his BFF to take a drive up and see this gal.

I'd like to see more interior photos and ask him to haggle with the owner over the price. (He's MUCH more charming than I am and when he wants something, he can get it and leave you wondering what the hell just happened.)

This trailer doesn't figure into my business plan till the start of the second year of the doors being open so whatever work has to be done on her can be done in bits and pieces and slowly.
(Never mind that I've already begun to pimp it out and it's my evil plan to repaint all that blue with a purple/fuschia metal flake paint and have metal flake vinyl on the seats inside)

First let me see if I can convince hubs to even take a look at her....

Space

2011-12-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

$2,000 a month for the space. Owner is getting me a price on all the necessary construction including adding a bathroom and installing sinks, and drains and upgrading some of the electrical.

I LOVE this space!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-22T20:05:00.002-05:00

The beautiful, unique, Christiana. There will never ever be another human like her anywhere.

Since we lost her not one single day has gone by that I don't in some form think of her.
This time of year however, I have one very specific memory that never fails to make me smile no matter how many times I play it over in my head.

We were about 17 years old and had our brand new drivers licenses and she had that amazing car that you see in the photo above. We had spent the day Christmas shopping, getting her tree, running around from mall to mall and just loving our happy, carefree lives.

Earlier that year we had gone to see Anthrax play and at Christmas they had released a new single of their new album. The song was their rap metal number "I'm the man" We each picked up a copy of the single on cassette but waited till we got back to my place to slap it into my boom box.
With that song cranking we decorated the window in my room with fake snow. We went through 3 bottles of the stuff writing our favorite bands names and silly designs.

I remember just being happy and the two of us giggling and gossiping and planning our outfits for the upcoming weekend.
It was just one of those pure happy, hanging out with the (at that time) one person who made me happy, who understood and loved me for who and what I was. She always made me feel safe and understood.

My point behind sharing this?

It isn't always the big moments that count.
They ALL count.
Moments that you think mean nothing or aren't of any special significance can end up being a favorite or important memory.
Some of my favorite memories with her are just driving in our cars, or being in a mall.
Not events or celebrations (though I have lovely memories of those too) but how she made me always feel important and loved and worthy even when she wasn't saying a word.

During this time of year when we are with those we love (if you are lucky) tuck away some of the quieter moments. Pay attention to the smaller stuff. A laugh, a look, a story, a moment shared. They all count, but so often we don't realize it till it's too late and all we have are those memories to look back on.

Here is Anthrax doing "I'm the man" It's a nice festive holiday ballad

Merry Christmas all of you!

Popularity

2011-12-14T20:48:00.000-05:00

Heaven help me. Patrick is breaking my heart tonight. We've been away from school for a week in Disney World and he was so happy. Tonight he's in bed crying because he's dreading going back to school tomorrow.
He's going through exactly the same crap I dealt with with the social scene in school when I was his age and it's killing me to see him like this.
He's trying too hard to be all things to all people, trying too hard to ensure everyone likes him, trying too hard to fit in and be cool and it's backfiring.
Classmates are ignoring him, making fun of him, picking on him which only makes him become more desperate and try harder which gives the classmates more fuel.

It's one thing to go through it yourself, it's quite another to watch your child suffer with a pain you can still feel. I remember the isolation, the burning sensation of the blush on my cheeks when the girls would mock me. I remember wondering why they didn't like me.

Knowing I had a lot to offer, that I was a good person and would make a great friend if they would only give me a chance. Trying so hard, willing to stand on my head and laugh at their cruel jokes at my expense, even learning to poke fun at myself so they would laugh with me rather than at me.
Being invited to birthday parties only because I had to be and when I no longer had to be, being the only kid in class who wasn't invited.

It got so bad, my parents changed my school twice till we found one that was the right fit. It took 4 years of non stop agony, of my coming home each day crying, of my parents trying to figure out how to make it better to make it right.

I want to kill these children for putting PJ through even a small tiny taste of this. Even if it never gets to the point where it was for me, the fact that he's now lying in his bed crying because he's dreading school tomorrow because his "friends" ignore him makes me want to go to school tomorrow with my claws sharpened tomorrow, ready to tear out the eyes of these horrible mean children who are causing my son pain.

I know that I can't. I know that I along with thousands of other adults made it out of that hell to the other side and grew up to be a decent human.
I know that anything I say to him is going to go in one ear and out the other. I know that drive to show them, to prove to them, to make them see that you are a worthy friend overrides anything I might tell him.

I am going to talk to the school psychologist tomorrow and see if I can't set up an appointment with her for him to see what she might have to offer.

Ideas

2011-12-04T21:09:00.001-05:00

Burlesque & Boobs

2011-11-30T08:58:00.001-05:00

I'm a fairly confident kinda gal. I'm not at all shy and not much makes me uncomfortable. There is one thing that makes me more self conscious and makes me want to run screaming more than any other and if you ask it of me, I will decline you every single time.
I do not dance. The thought of dancing stresses me out and gives me knots in my stomach.

My mother was a dancer her whole life. For 60 plus years she danced ballet, tap, jazz, modern. She was as beautiful and graceful as they come. As a little girl, my sister and I spent countless hours in dance studio dressing rooms peeking in watching her do bar work or floor work. She always took my breath away. The happiness was so visible in her when she danced.

My sister took to it like a fish to water. She was on point at a young age and was just as graceful as my mother. She was accepted to LaGuardia High School as part of their dance department in 8th grade.
You know LaGuardia. Yeah, you do. It's the school the movie "Fame" was based off of.

She eventually switched to their Drama department but she is still as graceful and beautiful when she dances just like my mother.

Me, not so much. Since I'm adopted, I didn't inherit the lithe graceful genes. I tried. Lordy did I try. I took ballet and modern from a very young age and it never felt right to me. I always felt awkward and like a total fraud. I kept going to the classes till one day I must have been about 8 maybe a little younger we were doing run run leaps across the floor and I remember in the middle of one less than pretty run run right before the leap I thought,

"GOD. I HATE THIS"

I was afraid telling my mother would upset her but I knew I couldn't do this for one more class. I'm not sure if my mother knew all along dance wasn't for me and wasn't my thing but I don't recall her being angry or upset at my admission that I hated dancing and never wanted to put on a tutu or dance shoes again ever in my entire life.

I've kept pretty true to my word. You won't find me out on the dance floor ever, anywhere and you will never hear me ask to go dancing every, anywhere.

As a 38 year old (39 in 2 months) mother I've decided that I'm going to make 2012 the year I do things I never thought I would do.

Dancing is on that list. Not ballet or tap or modern or jazz. None of those will ever feel comfortable to me.
Nope, I need something with a little bit more sass, something that allows me to work with what I've been given and not feel like I'm alone in a room of graceful, thin princesses.

I wanna go and take a burlesque class!!! Seriously. Stop laughing! I'm not kidding!! I wanna wear pasties with tassles!

More than that though, I want to get rid of the fear I have of settings like this one:

The thought of being in a dance studio with other women to whom sexy and graceful come natural gives me a serious panic attack.
The thought of them watching me and making it look so easy and potentially making a total ass out of my self as I bumble and stumble through the class causes me shortness of breath.

That is EXACTLY why I need to take this class. I need to figure out why the thought of a class makes my skin crawl but the thought of performing excites me.

I need to dispose of my self imposed stick up my ass and just take a deep breath and go and have a good time!

I will be attempting to recruit some of my gal pals to come with me and give me some of the courage I need to make this happen:

RHPS

2011-11-18T22:11:00.001-05:00

Ya know what I love about the Internet? It often has a really cool snowball effect and can take you to places and conjure up memories long since locked away.

YouTube is the catalyst for me tonight. I'll often go hunting on there for old school glam videos to remind me of my past but tonight it started with Kiss videos from the 80's and went off from there. I found myself looking for memories of my time with the NYC 8th Street Playhouse Rocky Horror cast.

We were about 13 when we became part of the crew. Only Chrissy became an official cast member, playing Columbia every Friday and Saturday night. When I ran across this video it shot me back to such a specific time that I had visions of clothing I owned but had forgotten about, about moments, feelings and people who were such an important time in my life back then.

Funny how one clip can do all that to you.

2011-11-18T15:29:00.001-05:00

There really are no words to describe how proud I am.

Jennifer is a Party Pooper

2011-11-08T10:32:00.004-05:00

This has nothing to do with anything but it make me cackle...

Going Forward

2011-10-11T16:58:00.001-04:00

Lion and I went to visit his new classroom today. His new teacher is clearly no nonsense. Firm but fair. She's not going to take any of Bri's guff for a second.

Part of me really really likes her and part of me wants to hide my son away to shield him from the conflicts and head butting that I KNOW is going to go on between them.

I know it will be good for him. Up to this point, everyone has had a gentle, patient, kind hand with him and it hasn't worked. Maybe a firmer approach is what he needs.

Only time will tell.

After we visited, we went to the playground to pick up PJ and to blow off some steam.

Lion had brought his rather large Hess truck with him and on the playground he was playing very nicely until he wasn't.

One of his classmates ran to his mom sobbing that Lion had hit him in the head with the truck. I immediately brought Bri over and made him apologize. I apologized as well and was turning to walk away when the mother said to her son:

"Stay away from him"

meaning her son should stay away from Lion and not play with him.

To be fair, Lion DID hit her son with a truck and he was the bully of the classroom but it didn't stop me from playing out her very dramatic death scene at my hands in my head.

I have said the same words to my children on the playground (and ironically the last time I said them they were regarding her son!)

Knowing that parents think my kid is a bully and are advising their kids not to play with him is an awful feeling as a parent.

After I mentally killed her, I considered approaching her to apologize for anything else Lion might have done to her precious child and to let her know that we were moving classrooms so she wouldn't have to worry about him anymore.

I didn't though. I sat there, listening to her stage whisper with her friends, with her back turned to me trying not to be paranoid but sure she was talking about me.

Actually if she were talking about me, that would be fine. I don't give a rat's rear end what you say about me. (My best friend and I used to have a saying "Say what you want about me, just be sure to spell my name right")

If she was gossiping (And I used to be the queen of it and I know all the body language and mannerisms that come with it) she was telling her two friends about Lion.

Of course, I could be way off base and they were just talking about the weather and general school stuff.

I am so hoping that this new classroom works for Lion and he can start to show these kids and parents what an amazing, fun friend he can be.

Change is good

2011-10-11T12:24:00.000-04:00

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies"

Today I had a meeting with Lion's team.
It has been 3 weeks since our last official meeting.
We all decided that despite all the tools, tricks, rewards, charts and ideas we've attempted to implement it's still not working in a mainstream classroom.

We have decided to put him in a special needs classroom and see how he does there. He's not going to be with his old classmates, but rather will be in an inclusion classroom that has kids in the 2nd grade so that the work is more challanging to him.

I think this is a good change and I'm hoping that the smaller class size, the students that are more like him, the teacher who is trained in special needs.

I've never heard his new teachers name but the team seemed to really like her and feel it would be a good fit. Since I trust them I go to this new teacher and classroom with totaly open arms.

We will go to school early today, before pickup to give our card to Lion's teacher and to meet his new teacher and see the new classroom.

He will begin in the new class tomorrow morning.

Fingers crossed....

PACKING!!!

2011-10-10T18:15:00.000-04:00

Packing is totally stressing me!

Normally when we take a vacation I pack for 4 people with no stress at all. I'm only packing for two and I'm flipping out!

Why? Beacuse when we go to Disney World, we ship everything down. I ship all our clothing, all our toiletries, everything. We have less than nothing with us in the airport each time.

I can't ship our clothing to the boat. It all has to come with us. That wouldn't be such an issue if hubs and I weren't so hellbent on carrying everything on the plane with us and checking no bags. We both feel that the $25 per checked bag fees are INSANE and want to attempt to avoid them.

I put everything we are taking in spacebags. Between the two of us, we have 5 spacebags (and I haven't packed the two pairs of jeans my honey insists on taking with him yet!)

The airline guidelines for carryon bags says:

Continental will permit one bag plus one personal item (see below), per customer to be carried on the aircraft.
The maximum combined linear measurement (length + width + height) of carry-on bags must not exceed 14 inches x 9 inches x 22 inches (23 x 35 x 56 cm) or 45 linear inches (114 cm).
Please note: All carry-on items must be stowed under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin. Items may not be stowed in the seat back pocket. Any item in excess of carry-on baggage size or allowance requirements as listed above will be checked to your final destination and may be subject to applicable checked baggage fees.

Personal items

In addition to the one carry-on item, you may bring free-of-charge the below items:
one small personal article such as a briefcase, purse, day planner, small laptop computer, camera case, compact disk player or similar sized personal entertainment item

personal aid devices such as wheelchairs, braces, canes, crutches, prosthetic devices and walking sticks, provided passenger is dependent on them
one infant article such as a small collapsible stroller, a diaper bag or a government approved child seat (larger strollers can be checked in the jetway prior to boarding the aircraft)

full-size video game consoles (for example Playstation®, X-box®, or Nintendo®), full-size DVD players, and video cameras that use video cassettes (must be removed from carrying cases and submitted separately for x-ray screening)
Try as I could, I could not get all 5 spacebags in our new suitcase that falls exactly within their carryon bag guidelines.
I was able to slam 3 in there and it's NOT happy.

We need a second carry on bag. So here is how it's shaking down right now.

Husband/human pack mule will have:
Rolling Suitcase - Main Carryon
Backpack - Personal Item
CPAP breathing machine (He has sleep Apena and beacuse this machine is a medical necessity they don't count it among his bags)

I will have:
Leopard Duffle bag - Main Carryon (this is the second necessary bag for the overflow of spacebags)
Clear Backpack - Personal Item (I might change this to my pink vinyl bag. We will see)

My purse and assorted nonesnse will be in the backpack.

I feel better after typing all this out.

End Scene

2011-10-07T15:12:00.002-04:00

It's Friday. This very very long week is at an end and we welcome the weekend. I will spend this weekend packing for our trip and dreaming of some peace and quiet.

We leave on Wednesday evening and I feel like having Lion home this week has put me behind schedule on my planning and preperation.

No school on Monday means that day is shot so I have Tuesday and Wednesday to get all my errands run.

Of course, while I know what I have to do, I'm really leary and hesitant to go very far from my phone or too far away from the school.

I adore my small son. He's an awesome kid but I currently feel like I'm being held prisioner by him and his behaviors.

I'm afraid to leave my apartment or to make plans beacuse if the school needs me to come and get him, I want to be able to be there as quickly as possible.

I am emotionally drained by all of this and on more than one occassion have wished that someone else can step in and handle all of this for a little while.

We have a follow up meeting with his full IEP team and his teacher on Tuesday to figure out what to do going forward.

“The important thing about a problem is not its solution, but the strength we gain in finding the solution”

Outlook

2011-10-07T10:43:00.000-04:00

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

2011-10-06T17:33:00.003-04:00

We spent 45 minutes with the Doctor tonight and despite Brian showing some of the non compliant agressive behavior with him that he does with his teachers (Told the dr. to shut up, stop asking questions, told him he was going to kick him, opened the door and tried to leave...) at the end of the session we had no more answers than we do now.

He's going to call Lion's case manager tomorrow and talk to her to see if he can glean anymore information on what is going on but he said he cannot give me a solid diagnosis based on what he saw and what I told him.

He did not mention a follow up appt or suggest that we schedule one. Perhaps after he talks to the school?

Lion and I will take Pats to school tomorrow and then we will go up to his case manager's office and see what she thinks about sending him back to class.

No firm diagnosis, no paperwork in hand, no new label or answers means we are exactly where we were yesterday and the day before that and the one before that.

Tomorrow my outlook will be more posititive. Right now I'm wiped out and drained.

My blog

2011-10-06T15:14:00.000-04:00

Stopped by the office and found Brian's case manager there getting her notes on Bri ready to fax to the Doctor.
I know she carries a serious workload and Bri isn't her only student and yet she has a way of making me feel like he's the most important and I always leave our interactions feeling hopeful.

Hopeful is clearly my word of the week regarding this situation.

She told me Bri can return to school tomorrow and since it's only half a day I think it's a good day as any to try again. If he's a total terror at least his poor teacher and the team only have to handle him for a little while.

On another note she mentioned my blog so someone has told them it exists and I'm writing here.
I attempt to live my life meaning what I say and saying what I mean.

These entries are all written from the perspective of a mother bear who will at times be frustrated by people or situations or events.

I share the entries on Facebook and can't control who forwards what to whom.

I'm glad that his team might poke their heads in here from time to time. To me it means they care for Lion and want to see what is going on while he is at home and get my perspective on what is going on.

I say welcome and thank you for caring for my little guy the way you all do.

Hope

2011-10-05T21:04:00.003-04:00

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."

Tomorrow at 4pm Brian has an appointment for his Psychiatric Evaluation.
He was sent home yesterday suspended until he receives a Evaluation from a Psychiatrist. The school wants to be sure there isn't more to his anger and rage and violent behavior than just the PDD-NOS.

Today was a weird day for me. I wasn't sure if I should treat this whole thing like a punishment or as just a day off from school. I'm not sure he really understands what is going on or why he's not in school.

I don't know how to feel or act or think because I don't know what we are dealing with. Not knowing how to treat your own child is a very odd feeling.

I love my Lion and want him to know that whatever this is, whatever he's going through he's not alone and I'm with him every single step of this battle and will always be with him no matter what.

I went with that and he and I spent a low key day together.

A hell of a lot is hinging on this appointment tomorrow. A lot of folks are waiting to read his report and see his official diagnosis. A lot of folks are hoping this guy can tell us what we are seeing, what my son is going through and what, if anything we can do to help him deal with it, manage it, live with it.

Part of me wants him to find something, to diagnosis yet another disorder in my son so I have another monster to battle. Put a name, a label on what this is so I can dig my claws and fangs into it and fight it and help my son make peace with whatever this is.

I want him to tell me he knows where all this anger and hatred and violence is coming from and I want to be able to go back to school and tell them that he's fixable and will be okay.

The other side of me isn't sure I want to hear that my poor sweet guy has more demons he needs to battle, more labels, more hurdles, more obstacles. I don't want life to be any harder for him than it is right now.

I do not think I am going to sleep very well tonight.

School

2011-10-04T13:49:00.003-04:00

I'm exhausted. I'm completely drained. I woke up not feeling well and after I realized that there was no way I could take the kids to school I had a good friend take them for me. 9:15am and my phone rings. It's the school calling me to see if I can come in to discuss Lion.

Clearly a mother is not allowed to be ill. I knew they wouldn't call if it wasn't important so I dragged my carcass to school for a sitdown with his case manager and the school psychologist.

They were both concerned with the ongoing violence Lion has shown in the classroom and yesterday he apparently threw hand sanitizer at a teacher. Since this is a chemical that act is considered a simple assault.

They decided that Lion is too much of a risk to keep in the class and told me that he has to come home with me and will not be allowed back in school till I have a full psych eval done on him.

I agreed to get the eval done but questioned what we do after the eval since it's not going to change a thing and doesn't help his behavior at all. They said they didn't really know. This honesty does not inspire much confidence.

He's home with me and I've spend most of my morning calling all sorts of child psychologists trying to get an appoinement.

My big concern is that this behavior that he exhibits at school, this anger and violence doesn't ever carry over to home. Sure he gets cranky and mad but not like he does at school.

He's currently watching "The Electric Company" happy as a clam.

I am at a loss here. No one feels he would fit in in the special needs classroom or even the middleground inclusion classroom but he clearly isn't fitting in with the class he's in now so what do I do?

I've finally heard back from a doctor who has an appt for Bri at 4pm on Thursday. This is both good and bad news. He will be home with me for the next two days and then Friday is half a day and Monday is no school.

I am hoping this doctor can pull a bunny out of his hat and tell me something I don't know about my kid because I'm seriously looking into home schooling...

Happy

2011-09-26T19:13:00.001-04:00

Today was a good day for the Lion at school. I was able to run around the block without stopping and we have 17 days till our cruise.
For the moment, life is good and I am happy.
This is the layout of the ship. Our room is on deck 2 room 2246.

Today

2011-09-22T15:31:00.000-04:00

So today we got to the school playground at 8am. That gave the boys a full half an hour to zoom around and for Lion to be happy and set him up for a good day.

Yesterday was a very bad day. In fact it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. The school therapist had suggested that I should try bringing Lion to his classroom 10 mins late so that he can avoid the insane chaos that is drop off.

I honestly wish I could videotape it so you can see what it's like but people are hinky about videotaping their kids so I cannot.
It's overwhelming to a "normal" kid but it's got to be really awful for Lion. So today Lion and I stayed for that extra 10 minutes and before I could come and get him to tell him it was time, he came to me and said
"Okay mommy. I'm ready to go to class now"

Tell me that wouldn't make your heart soar and get your hopes up for the day. It sure did mine. I left him in his classroom and went to Boot Camp and I even felt so confident that he would have a good day that I went ahead and made lunch/shopping plans with my friend.

I did my back to back classes (my ass is officially kicked) and stood around yapping with Coach Linda, Coach David and a fellow student.

I went to check my phone to see if my lunch date had called and one missed call. When I saw the number my heart sank and that knot showed up in my stomach again.

Brian was once again with the school psychologist (who I think might be the most patient woman in the entire universe) because he had hit some classmates. She felt that he did it so that he could leave school early and come home so she wasn't going to send him home today but would keep him in her office till he calmed down.

I called my lunch date and cancled because I thought I should be here in case they call me again to come and get him.

When I got home I emailed her to ask how he was doing.

This is the reply I got:

"Brian refused to apologize, continued name calling and hit me on the arm/hand. This all occurred after hitting several students in gym unprovoked. As I said on the phone Brian made it clear that he is associating hitting with going home which is why today we are not sending him home but rather making up his missed educational time during free times. He ate lunch with our VP Ms. Morales. I believe he is still with her and you may call Ms. Morales to verify at 201-xxx-xxx as I am heading out until 12:45pm."

I'm not sure the English language has enough words to tell you how stressed out I am about all of this.

The rest of my morning was spent leaving messages for Child Psycholigists, Developemental Peditiricians and the most absurd of all The Hoboken Mental Health Clinic to get information on Anger Management Sessions for him.

I am exhausted and frazzled.

I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day but each day seems to be the same as the one before.

Today

2011-09-21T12:15:00.002-04:00

I knew today was going to be a bad day when I left Lion this morning. His time on the playground was short and he was not happy with me.

While on line he called one of his classmates an idiot and stupid and told the poor kid to shut up. He then kicked another innocent student.

I warned his teacher it wasn't going to be a good day. As I left him, I thought about just coming home to sit by the phone but decided I cannot live like that and so I went and did the 9am and 10am Boot Camps.

At the end of the 10am I checked my phone to see an unfamiliar number on it and my heart sank. I listened to the message and got a knot in my stomach.

Lion had been removed from the classroom for creating an unsafe environment. He apparently kicked two students and three teachers. One teacher he kicked hard enough that she had to go to the nurse and fill out an incident report.

I needed to come and get him and take him home.

The school psychologist Dr. Allgaier met me in the office as I was waiting for them to get him.

She gave me a little more detail as to what had happened. She told me that the principal agreed to not count this as a suspension but that it would be in his record as a removal.

She also suggested that perhaps I look into enrolling him in an anger management course that she knows about here in Hoboken.

The next time this happens it will be counted as a suspension.

As an added bonus, the parents of the two kids he kicked are getting phone calls about the incidents letting them know what happened.

Did I mention that tonight is back to school night and both those parents will be there?

Total icing on the shit cake.

They suggested that perhaps if I bring him to school 10 minutes late tomorrow and bring him right to the classroom he won't be so overwhelmed by all the noise.

The fact that the words suspension and anger management classes have been used in a conversation about my 6 1/2 year old child is so absurd I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around.

I'm truly at a total loss and feeling very overwhelmed right now.

This cannot continue. The school wants to keep trying to find ways to make it work for him but I know him and I know that we can try standing on our heads and dancing the chacha with a hippo but without Lion as a willing participant nothing we try is going to work.

Positive reinforcement doesn't work. Classroom removal doesn't work.

In my meeting with his team on Monday we discussed the possibility of returning him to a special needs classroom. His case manager isn't crazy about that idea because she's afraid of behavior regression and him not being challenged enough.

That's what's so frustrating about this whole thing. He's totally got all the smarts to be in the classroom he's in now. Academically he's right where he should be. Socially and for behavior he isn't. If we put him back in a special needs classroom and have him on the schedule for a few mainstream classes we are all concerned that he's going to be completely overwhelmed with all the changes and the moving from class to class that it's going to take us back even further and his behavior will deteriorate more.

I am so afraid that the bag of tricks and ideas to make this all work for Brian is going to run dry and then what? What if he doesn't change? What if this behavior continues?
I don't want to spend this whole school year sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. I don't want to have to continue to apologize to other parents. I don't want him labeled as a bad kid or a bully.

I need to remember to breathe and take one day at a time. We will get through this as a family and as long as the school is willing to work with him and try to solve this, I am too.

I just honestly wish I wasn't going through this with him.

A continuation of yesterday

2011-09-15T11:36:00.000-04:00

Apparently thanks to me Brian is having a duplicate day of yesterday.

He is pissed for the second day that we didn't go to the playground in the morning. For the second day in a row, I had NO idea he wanted to go till it was too late to go. For the second day in a row he turned into evil child.

He's totally fine getting ready for school, fine on the walk to school, even fine the first few moments waiting for his teacher.
We were horsing around, laughing, playing with each other and he told me he was going to have a good day and we talked about what we were going to do after school and then something in him clicked and he got angry.

It was the quickest mood change I've ever seen. He went from happy and playful to grumpy and mean.
School was stupid, his fellow classmates were dumb. He hated it there and wanted to go home.
I reminded him of his after school rewards if he was good and he told me he didn't care about them.
(It was during this exchange with him where I reminded him about going to get whatever snack he wanted and going to whatever park he wanted that I felt a little like the parents of Pierre from the Maurice Sedak story "Really Rosie")
I tried every trick in my book to lighten his mood but to no avail. (and it was at this point that I wished for a Lion to come and eat my little boy)
He was going to remain angry and not only was he going to be angry, he was going to take it out on his fellow students.

It was time to lineup with his class and rather than just get in line he walked over and he punched two of his classmates.
I asked his teacher if she wanted me to bring him home and she told me no that we should see how he does in the classroom. I told her to please email or call me and let me know how it was going.

I'm actually skipping Boot Camp today and I canceled plans with my father so I could be home by the phone waiting for it to ring.

To add to the stress of my morning while we were waiting for the teacher (and I was busy trying to convince Brian that he wanted to have a good day) I was next to a set of parents who's daughter decided right then at that moment to tell them that yesterday one of her classmates hit her.

The mother flipped out and started to rant on and on about their being a bully in the classroom and how it was completely unacceptable and she wasn't going to allow it and blah blah blah.
The second the teacher came out she was on top of her demanding details and accountability.

I of course knew exactly who hit her daughter and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide for a thousand years.
Thankfully their teacher kept her composure, didn't rat on my Lion and told the mother she would handle it immediately.

I left school with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I actually wondered aloud why on earth I had bred and who in their infinite wisdom thought it was wise to give me children.

It's 11am and so far, no phone calls.

Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow morning, we will leave our apartment earlier than usual and we will go to the school playground before school. I am hoping this is the magical elixir that soothes my savage Lion and paves the way for a happy day at school.

If it does not prove to be the cure all and he is still angry at the start of school tomorrow, I'm going to call the school and set up a meeting with his case manager and the school psychologist.

It's 11:20 and so far, no phone calls...

I just got an email from his teacher:

"Hi Diana,
Brian had difficulty this morning during morning routine and Language Arts. He was telling me and other students we are "stupid" and "shut-up." He also tried kicking a student while we were on the carpet. He refused to do any activities and said school is "lame."
Ms. Gina, the Occupational Therapist, took him today bc/ he has OT Thursdays and Fridays. When Brian came back from Ms. Gina, he was in a better mood and did some work. Brian told me was will try to turn his day around. There is a communication in Brian's homework folder from Ms. PraSisto. This is Brian's case manager.

We'll talk more afterschool about how the rest of Brian's day went."

Not great but I'm glad he was able to turn himself around and has agreed to try to do the best he can do today.

“Let the wild rumpus start!”

2011-09-14T13:25:00.000-04:00

Just got off the phone with Brian's teacher. Apparently he had one of his evil mornings again.
I was afraid we were in for one of these days when I left him this morning.
He was dark as dark could be.
Mad at me because he wanted to play on the playground before school.

Normally we would have time for this but this morning Patrick had a serious toothache thanks to a loose tooth and I had to run to CVS to get some painkillers for him.
That unexpected sidetrack put our morning behind schedule and we had no extra time.

I tried to explain to Bri that we would go AFTER school, but that wasn't his plan and I was now screwing with his day and that is always an unacceptable thing with less than desirable results.
I saw his jaw tighten, his shoulders hunched up and his eyes pierced my very soul.

"Mommy, you said we would go to the playground. I want to play NOW!"

"Lion, I'm sorry. We simply don't have time now. I promise, we can go wherever you want after school if you behave during the day"

He simply balled up his fists, snarled & growled at me.(I'm really not exaggerating. He does growl when angry.)
I watched the anger at the clear injustice being foisted on him boil up inside his little body and I knew it was going to be one of those mornings.
When his teacher showed up he wouldn't look at her, wouldn't talk to her, he kept his head buried in my stomach and his fists clenched.
I knew he was seriously pissed off. I knew the chaos and the noise going on around him at drop off was pushing him over the edge.

I squatted down and whispered that he should try to have a good day and if he did we would go for special snacks (Dunkin Donuts) and we would stay at the park twice as long today than usual.
He would not be swayed by my bribes today. He was feeling cheated and the world (or at least his class) was going to pay for it.

I sighed knowing there was absolutely nothing more I could do, detached him from my side, kissed him and went to Boot Camp.
I came home from a GREAT class to find a message on my machine from Bri's teacher wanting to discuss his morning.

He apparently didn't want to take direction from anyone, didn't want to listen to anyone, and wanted everyone to be quiet. He told his teacher and the classroom Aide to shut up.
(I didn't tell his teacher but I'm so thankful and relieved that he told her to simply "shut up" and not to "shut the fuck up" as he was doing over the summer)
The principal came on over the loudspeaker and Brian screamed at him to shut up.

One of his fellow students must have said something to him because apparently he threw a water bottle (full) at the kid and then went after him like a crazed bull.
Thankfully his teacher caught him and the only thing he did was he hit the kid in the leg.
When Brian is in an agitated state like this you look at him funny and he's going to dislocate your jaw.
He's strong as a bull moose and when he's mad he wants destruction and wants to spread his angry and misery and frustration to as many as he can.

The Aide took Brian outside for a walk to cool down and he apparently tried to run away from her, told her school was evil and he hated it. She got him to calm down & was able to take him back to the classroom.
His teacher said after the walk he came back and was better and she's hoping the rest of the day continues in that vein.

I told her that unfortunately all the behaviors she saw today are typical of Brian when he's mad. I told her that taking him out of the classroom to calm down and refocus is the best move and will get him back to a good place much faster than anything else.

I will explain to her when I see her at pickup that this behavior will be part of the school year with him. I wish that it wasn't. I wish he didn't lash out and have these tantrums but he does and until he's ready to figure out another way to handle his anger we aren't going to change him.

Brian is stubborn and wants things his way all the time. He's not going to do things when you want him to. He will do things when HE is ready and if that's not on your schedule or your timetable, tough luck Jack.
I think for him, it's not so much about being a control freak or about having everything according to his rules and his laws. I think it's his way of making sense of the world and being comfortable in it.

He's not going to do a damn thing that he isn't okay with or that he's not ready for or doesn't understand. To push him to do things before he's ready will only cause frustration and defiance and anger. The more you ask, the more he will resist you.

When he's agitated and angry I think he's in such a place of overload with his feelings that the slightest outside stimulus freaks him out and sends him over the edge to his breaking point and he comes out swinging.
He simply cannot process anything more than his feelings and he wants the rest of it to just go away and shut down.

That's why taking him out of the situation to someplace quiet where he can just sit and chill and process it all is the very best course of action. I'm guessing the Aide tried to engage him in conversation and that's why he lashed out at her and tried to run away. It's best to just sit with him and have no words for a little while.

If you watch him, you will see his body language change when he's ready to talk or is feeling better.

Most folks would try to just redirect him or refocus him while leaving him in the environment that's got him spinning in the first place.
I'm really glad his teacher knew that wasn't the answer.

Transitioning to a mainstream classroom is proving not quite as seamless as I'd hoped it would be.
It's truly a fine line to have to balance on. I want my child to flourish and thrive and be challenged to do the best that he can. I know he's smart, that's not the issue in question. I know he will do well academically.
I know that for where he is in the smarts department he needs to be mainstream. For the social side, and the dealing with other people and making friends and getting along with classmates and teachers, I feel like he should still be in a special needs classroom.

That's not an entirely true statement either. He was diagnosed with the PDD-NOS at age 2 1/2 and though he wasn't verbal till he was a little over 3 when he turned 3 we put him into a mainstream pre-k class.
It was by no means a bed of roses but we all felt we had made the right decision and mainstream was best for him.
He did Pre-K 4 in a mainstream classroom as well.
Both years were made better and easier because he had stellar teachers who "got" him and his behavior.

The school & I as a team decided that he wasn't quite ready to do mainstream Kindergarten and put him in the special needs class.
At the end of the year it was clear to all of us that he would do best and would be best served if we attempted a mainstream classroom for 1st grade.

I didn't think at the time that we might have transition issues but now I'm sort of kicking myself.
He went from a classroom with 5 kids and less expectations from the school and his teachers to a much more structured, more demanding environment with 15 or 20 classmates.

The changes from Kindergarten to 1st for a kid who isn't on the spectrum are jarring. Homework every night, you are responsible for your books and getting them to and from school, you get a desk assigned to you and there are expectations to be met that didn't exist in Kindergarten.

It's the first full week of school in this new classroom with these new demands and he's working it all out for himself.
The sensible mother in me knows that his being a in a "regular" classroom is good.
I want him to reach his maximum potential and want him to learn to adapt to the increased demands of a typical classroom.

I need him to get comfortable with the world and to get used to being treated like just another kid and eventually learn to find ways to cope with his PDD-NOS that don't involve getting violent.
I know he is exactly where he should be and in time he will be fine. I know his teacher will get to know him and will understand who he is and how he ticks.

I know all these things and yet, the over protective mother bear in me wants him to be in a safe, soft, nurturing place where they "get" him and accept and understand his quirks and the PDD-NOS.

Of course, when it rains, it pours and the eldest son isn't drama free in his first week of school either.

He had told me that there was a bigger kid on the playground that had punched him in the face the other day.
When I demanded details he couldn't give me any other than it's a
"much bigger kid, like a football player".

Patrick has never seen him before and can't even describe him to me. I told Pats that he needs to not wait till we are walking home to tell me when this stuff happens but he needs to come to me the second it happens so I can deal with it.

Last night he told my husband that the kid has attacked him before, that the incident he told me about wasn't the first time.
Of course when my husband hears that someone is picking on his kid, all hell breaks loose and he's now on a rampage to protect his offspring by any means necessary.

I told him to let me handle phase one which is to identify the kid and see WHY he's picking on Patrick. Is he a true blue bully just picking on Pats because Pats won't fight back and won't tattle or are they playing and the play gets too violent?

If it's a true blue bully issue and the kid turns out to just be a jackass, I'll let the very large daddy bear step in and handle it. If not, the ball will remain in mommy's court to deal with.

His teacher who was also his teacher last year has told me that he's not as outgoing or as social as he was last year. He's been grumpy and withdrawn. Not at all himself. Neither of us could figure out why he wasn't his usual perky loving the world self.

I'm thinking the apparent playground issues have GOT to be the root of his behavior.

Pats doesn't hit back, and doesn't want to tell on the offender because he really just wants everyone to like him and be his friend. If you get someone in trouble, odds are you will wind up on their shit list.

Lovely theory but this makes you a big old target for more aggressive kids.

So, now I've got one child that I need to teach a less violent path to, to help him understand that his words are the way to go and another one that needs to learn to stick up for himself and not allow folks to ever think that they can get away with hitting him.

Today at pickup I'll be talking to Lion's teacher about understanding him and the root of his behaviors and the best course of action with him and then in almost the same breath will be watching Pats on the playground like a hawk watching for anyone who attempts to hurt him or push him around.

If this is only the first week I'm concerned what the rest of the year will be dumping on my plate!!

Christopher Street Cookies

2011-07-02T22:28:00.000-04:00

Before:

and after:

Doggie Brain Dump

2011-05-31T10:38:00.000-04:00

I'm sure I've talked about my dog Humphrey here before. Humprey is my 13 year old tri colored Basset Hound.
We got him as a tiny puppy of 8 weeks old at a place in Brooklyn called "World Of Pets"

We had just gotten married in September and we went there to buy Mike a huge fishtank and fishies and all the other accessories that go with being a fish geek.

Half joking as we got out of the car I said

"There had better not be a Basset Hound in there or you are in trouble"

Humphrey in all of his 8 week old floppy glory sat dead center in the display window.

We went to the fish section and got all Mike needed to be a happy fish-a-phile and I asked the guy if we could just see the sweet tri colored houndie pup in the window.

He was so little and sweet and when he tripped over Mike's shoe and fell face down ass up that was it. I had to have him. He was my wedding gift from Mike.

Bassets can't have stupid names like Fluffy or Spot. They have to have serious names like Mortimer or Bernard or Angus. We chose Humphrey.

Humphrey has been with me for 13 years has moved 7 times with us, gone from being my only child to the third child and has maintained the sweetest demaenor ever the whole way through.

I'm crazy about that damn dog and that's the truth.

He's old now and extremely arthritic. Most breeds can get around on 3 legs with minimal troubles. Not the Basset Hound. Their are so front heavy that they rely on those massive front paws to support them. When one doesn't work, everything goes out of whack.

He can't put any pressure on his front left paw due to the arthritis and it's taking a toll on his whole body. He has to be boosted up onto the bed & the couch. Walking from one room to another leaves him exhausted and panting and needing to lie down.

He can't even go down the stairs to pee anymore.

I just took him out and took this video to show you guys how bad it's gotten.

I made an appointment for Thursday to take him to the vet. I'm honestly not sure if he will be coming home with me or not.

I have been crying myself to sleep at night playing the visit out in my head. I'm 99% sure the vet is going to suggest letting him go and putting him to sleep.

I absolutely refuse to be one of those pet owners who take desperate expensive measures to keep him with me if he's suffering but at the same time I REALLY REALLY REALLY do not want to have to watch them inject him and hold him as he's dying.

I worked in a vet's office for a while and I've seen animals euthanized. It's quiet and painless and quick but never ever easy.

I don't know for sure what the visit will hold but I'm trying to prepare myself for all outcomes...

The Circus

2011-04-24T22:05:00.000-04:00

The Circus

“Come, come, look inside!
See the marvels that abide in our most splendid tent of magic, wonder, and portent!”
So yelled the mad ringmaster, Louis the Crock,who flashed a gold tooth and twirled his baton as he circled the ring and enamored the crowd with a promise of wonders and feats of renown.

The people milled ‘bout him, staring in awe at elephants,tigers,unicorns,fawns,ballerinas in tutus that sparkled in joy, clowns in sad makeup throwing some pie, tight-rope walkers, the fat lady singing, Siamese-twin gymnasts, the bearded woman preening.

But closed doors hid secrets the crowd shouldn’t know:
broken fun-house mirrors,
elephant bones,
a clown’s suicide notes,
human skulls,
caged freaks-of-nature crying for mother,
a ballerina or two chained and shackled,
runaway children,
a chest full of drugs,
still-smoking cigars,
an angry armed mob boss.

So the people kept milling, smiling and grinning, holding hands and licking ice cream cones,watching the fantasy, forgetting reality,and not knowing the truth behind the jokes.

Meds

2011-04-22T18:46:00.000-04:00

So after a long sabbatical of being off Ritalin I finally decided to go back on it. I went to a physician for a physical. I asked him to please write me a script for the Ritalin.
No can do. He doesn't feel comfortable writing it before I'm seen by a psychologist who he wants to have write it first.

Okay, fine, whatever. I get an appointment with the only local doctor on my insurance for March 9th.
She agrees to write me for 20 mgs which is a really low dosage (When I was 18 I was on 60 mgs) I take it, for two weeks and call her to say it's not doing much, can I please come in and have her write a new script.

I have an appointment which she calls to cancel because of illness. She will reschedule me for the Tuesday morning prior to my going away on vacation for a week.

I'm now out of pills. She writes me a script for the 40mg dosage and informs me that she will be going away on vacation and will be back on May 9th. I take the script and call every single pharmacy in Hoboken. No one carries it. I'm out of time and have to go on vacation with no meds.

I get home a week later to discover the script is gone. Thrown in the garbage by mistake. The Doctor is unreachable as she's on a cruise till May 9th. I decide to call my physician and take the original bottle to him and explain what happened and see if he can write a new script for me.
Two weeks with no meds.

I get to see the Doctor on Wednesday he writes me a script for the lower dosage. (Fine, whatever) Today I took the kids to the pharmacy to fill it. They don't carry it. We go to a second pharmacy.
They won't fill it because the Dr wrote the wrong date and corrected it on the same script. (He wrote 20 and then corrected it to 21)
I go home and call the doctors office. They are closed for the weekend and will reopen on Monday.

I'm really and seriously a breath away from crying. I'd just started to feel better, pulled together, back on track with the meds. I could remember things, dates, places, events. I didn't walk into a room and wonder why I was there. Didn't ask the same question two or three times.

Now I'm back at the start. I know this will get resolved and I'll get the meds started again. It just feels like an awful big effort and lots of walls being thrown at me when all I'm trying to do is get myself back on track!!!

Vacations: A small vent

2011-03-26T20:07:00.000-04:00

I know it's petty and I should be thankful for what I've got but a pal just booked a trip to London for just her and her husband. No kids.

I would LOVE to get away with Mike for more than one night but my mother and sister won't take them for more than an overnight. We've tried take a weekend away going away to Disney but they said it was too far and they would be too nervous.

So the furthest we can go is Atlantic City.

I would love to take the kids to Europe but the airfare is insane for 4 people and we cannot afford it.

I am thankful that we get any time away at all. I know moms who have never had a night away from their children.

I guess I'm just bitter because when I was younger (starting at age 5 and my sister was 3) my parents would put us on a plane, unaccompanied and we would fly to Fort Laurderdale Florida. Every Christmas & Spring Break. My parents went all over the world while we were away. My mother who hates to travel, got to travel all over the place thanks to my grandparents and I who love to travel can't get two nights in a row off.

This summer I'm going to talk to my mother and see how she reacts to my suggestion that we drop the kids off in the Berkshires for a week with her and Mike and I get to go and do something. As I'm typing this, I'm cracking up because I know, that even with them being in camp from 9-4 each day she will say no.

She loves my kids but they cramp her style.

My dad who just came back from a month overseas was telling me all about it. I told him I wished we could travel and go to Europe. He said,
"You can! Go and do it!"
"I can't, we can't afford the airfare for 4 of us"
"So just you and Mike go"
"What? Leave the kids with mom? You think she would go for that?"
He started to laugh and said
"You're right. You can travel when they are in college"

Sigh...

2011-03-16T21:11:00.007-04:00

Bullies

2011-03-11T11:03:00.000-05:00

Patrick had a rough morning at drop off. Some kids in another class made it clear by pointing and making loud comments that they don't like Pats.

Pats reaction was to hover around them and wander close to them. I called him over because I knew what he was doing. I tried to tell him that in life people aren't always going to like you and aren't even going to try to get to know you. Those people are called time wasters and we want nothing to do with them. We only want to surround ourselves with good, kind people who love us and understand who we are and what we are about.

His response was that he wanted to know why they didn't like him.

I told him it didn't matter and that he needed to ignore them. To chase them was futile and useless.

I said these things knowing that they didn't make any sense and they were not really being heard because at that moment, his whole being was consumed with finding out why they didn't like him, and the desperate desire to win their friendship and show them he's a good guy.

I know this because I was him. I remember that manic desperation to win the hearts of your adversaries. At that moment it doesn't matter if you have a zillion friends. All you care about is why anyone would hate you or speak badly of you or try to hurt you.

You do stupid shit when you are in this mindset and you only come off appearing weak and pathetic which gives these fools more fodder to mock you with. The harder you try, the more screwy the whole thing gets.

Pats is a good kid with a huge heart and a kind gentle nature. He truly wants everyone to be harmonious and friends. It confuses him when he comes up against someone who is cruel or a pack of fools who don't feel the way he does.

Of course this whole 10 minute exchange between the boys and he and I ripped my heart right the hell out of my chest and I had to suppress my rage and my reaction to fly over to these boys eyes glowing, talons sharpened, shrieking like a harpy as I ripped out their eyes.

After fighting this very battle myself I finally realized that I can twist myself in a pretzel to try to get these fools to see what a good person I am and what a good fun friend I would be if they would only give me a chance or I can focus on the folks who already know that. It took me lots of heartache, lots of long talks with my parents, lots of tears shed and ultimately changing schools three times for me to figure out that I yam what I yam and not everyone is going to like that.

My parents knew that the whole ripping the eyes of my adversaries thing was not going to solve the problem so they (as hard as it was) didn't do it.

I will try to follow in their footsteps and not do it either but attempt to focus on Pats and building his self esteem and teaching him to focus on the good and shut out the negative.

I will however, not allow these morons to openly mock my son in front of me. If they do it again on Monday I'll be over there in a flash having a conversation with the boys and their parents. I'll try not to do the whole insane over protective shreiky mom thing but will remain calm but firm.

It's just so hard when it hits so close to home. It's so painful to watch my son go through even just a flicker of what I suffered through myself.

I can only comfort myself with the knowlage that I came out on the other side a strong, self confident, self assured, kind, gentle woman.
I also need to remind myself that this was one single moment and perhaps an isolated incident.

Pats did wander off with his best pal and seemed okay but he and I will discuss it after school again.

As I was gathering my thoughts and trying to get my heart to beat right and shake that moment off I turned to see one of my favorite gals in Pats class leaning on the wall. She and I are pals. Every morning she comes over to me to wait for her teacher to arrive.

I get the feeling her mom might not be the very best or most attentive mom so I've sort of attempted to take her under my wing and let her know that she's super cool, even if it's just for 5 mintues each morning. She had told me she was going to get beads put in her hair last night so when I saw her I made a big fuss about how beautiful she looked and how her hair was so pretty.

She started to cry which was NOT the reaction I was aiming for. I squatted down and asked what was wrong and she said "Nobody likes me. I don't have any friends."

My first thought was that they must have pumped some weird anti self esteem vapors into the gym that morning. My next thought was that I'd just finished reading an article about how important same sex adults who are not parents are in the growth and developement of a child and how one comment, good or bad has the ability to shape a child at this age for the rest of their lives.

I squatted down and told her "Listen to me. You are a beautiful rock star. You are phenomial and amazing. You are strong and kind. You are cooler than Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. Anyone who doesn't see that is a fool and you don't need to waste time with them. Promise me you won't ever forget that."

She threw her arms around me and gave me the tighest hug. We wiped away her tears and I walked her over to where her class was.

I'm flattered she's attached herself to me and will contiune to sing her praises as I will to Patrick and Brian and any other kid who comes my way who needs a little extra love.

I'll tell ya, I keep thinking these kids have it easy but I don't think I would want to turn back time and be little again. It's not that easy.

The little things

2011-03-05T06:39:00.000-05:00

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

Not that you would know it to look at me, but I'm really not a gal who like flash. I'm not a big fan of "stuff" and the saying "He who dies with the most toys wins" is foreign and absurd to me.

I think I've always been this way but it was truly cemented when I saw how horrible and bitter the estate battle got after Chrissy died. Her parents went to war over her stuff and spent thousands and thousands of dollars on lawyers. All over physical possessions which I know in life made her happy but she could have done without. To see them attack each other over and over was jarring especially since I know both these people to be level headed and extremely bright.

A long time ago, Mike and I decided that we didn't want "stuff" we weren't going to spend our money on material things but we wanted to do things, go places, have experiences.

That is exactly what we've done. Our apartment has almost no furniture, what we do have are hand me downs, I don't go for designer clothing or accessories and most of our shopping is done on EBAY.

We do however take 4 trips to Disney each year, we go to Hershey for Halloween, the kids and I go to the Berkshires, Mike and I take as many overnights as we can. I always have my camera and I'm always taking pictures wherever we go.

For me, it's always been the smaller quiet gestures. The simple, unfussy gifts that make me most happy.

When Mike and I were dating early on, somewhere I'd mentioned that I LOVE Swedish fish. Months later he came to me bearing a bag of Swedish fish telling me he knew I loved them.
I was blown away. That he had remembered a throw away comment made in a long forgotten conversation about a favorite candy meant more to me than if he had presented me with a diamond ring.
It meant he went out of his way to find something that would make me happy. That in itself is an amazing gift.

For my birthday, a friend got me this wonderful flouncy apron with skulls all over it. It's very girly till you get a closer look. She said she saw it and immediately thought of me.
Another very good pal got me a gluten free pastry cookbook. She said she thought of the Lion with my attempts to do as much of a gluten free diet for him as possible and my love of baking. She had remembered conversations we had had, saw something and it made her think of me.

Chrissy & I were forever doing that for each other. We would often buy very small items that made of think of the other at random times. It was our small way of saying "I love you and I'm thinking about you"

Mike went to DC this past week and he fell in love with the city. He sent me some photos from his phone:

These were places, things, moments that made him think of me. Places he wanted to share with me. Enough to take a picture to bring home to me.

He came home with a bottle of blue glitter glow in the dark nail polish for me. He saw it and thought of me.

That means more to me, knowing that in his busy day he took the time to think of me, that he saw something that reminded him of me.

You can keep your furs and diamonds and name brands. Give me the small powerful gestures. The personalized moments and things. Those are the things that make me most happy.

30 Rock

2011-03-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

Sunday February 27th, 2011 I climbed 66 flights of stairs. That's 1,215 individual stairs. It was an amazing experience and I'm so honored to have been a part of it.

Thanks to Patrick getting up at 3:30 I got a much earlier start to my day than I'd wanted to but it worked out well beacuse all of the trains were running on Sunday schedules which means they are more infrequent than during the week.

I packed a small bag knowing I would have to check it along with my coat. I had a bottle of water, my wallet, my cel phone and my camera.

I arrived at Rockefeller Center at about 8:00 and stood on 5th Avenue staring at this very very tall building I was going to be attempting to master in half an hour. As I walked, I gave myself a pep talk and promised myself that whatever happened, even if we didn't finish we were going to try our hardest.

Headed downstairs to the concourse to register and check my bag. I now had a dilemmia on my hands. They said no earphones and no cameras were to be allowed in the stairwell but I wanted to try to sneak both in. Music is super important to me and often pushes me forward when I have no gas left in the tank. My IPhone is also my IPod and holds all my music. Did I take that in with me? On the other hand, I love taking photos and documeting an event like this is so important so I can remember the small details after it's all over.

At the last second I opted for the camera and left my phone in my bag. It turned out to be the right decision.
I grabbed a bottle of water and plopped down to wait for my start time to be called.

I watched folks walk by me, all hot and sweaty with medals around their necks. Would I be able to finish and get a medal of my own? (Everyone who finishes gets one) I honestly wasn't sure. I hadn't done too much in the way of training for this climb. I'd promised myself I'd climb more stairs to train but it really never happened.

Then of course there was the fact that everything I'd read said that this climb was equivalent of a 5k race and if you could run a 5k, you could do this climb.

Great, except...I'm not a runner. Truth be told, I'm in lousy cardio shape. Give me weights, give me strength training and I'll knock it out of the park pushing myself really hard. Cardio? Icky. I have no stamina or endurance for it and it's one of the things that frustrates me.

Because of that, I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to see this event through to the end.
I promised myself I was going to try my hardest. I checked my heart rate monitor and discovered it wasn't working. Fan-freakin-tastic. Well then, I'd have to go on "feel" alone. I would have to really listen to my body today and pay attention to the little things it told me.

Then it was 8:30 and time for my wave to line up to head up to the 3rd floor where we were starting from.
Off we went and we were climbing up what seemed to me to be VERY steep stairs! After the first flight I found myself thinking "I have to do 65 more of these?!" but I kept going not rushing it.

At about the 5th floor I had to rest to catch my breath and there on that landing was a woman wearing an orange shirt. That identified her as an MS patient. We both got back to the climb at the same time and fell into step with each other. We climbed and joked about finding the elevator and encouraged each other. My battle cry for the day was "WE GOT THIS! WE ARE SUPER STRONG!"

She and I didn't rush, we took our time and all of a sudden we were at the 23rd floor at the first rest stop! We grabbed water and she took a bathroom break. I decided to wait for her. She needed to rest a little longer and when she was ready we started to climb again.

We talked to other folks who caught up to us and some passed us, others stayed with us for a while and then passed us, more than a few were taking the stairs 2 at a time and lots were even running.

We got into a groove and didn't have to stop at that many landings for breaks. We kept going, slow and steady and all of a sudden we were at the 43rd floor and the second rest stop!

Here there were EMTs on the landing and when we went into the rest area we found a row of folks getting oxygen and being tended to by the medical staff. It was about then that I realized just how strong I actually am.

These folks were serious athletes, most were lean with runners legs. I'm a short, fat stay at home mom who made it to the 43rd floor without illness or injury. That's rather cool I think.

Patti (my climbing partner) and I rested for a few and I decided to play cheerleader to those around me and reminded them how close to the top we were. We really were almost there and more than half of the climb was behind us.

We started to climb and I noticed a woman with a sash on the landing. She was some sort of beauty queen and I had to get a picture with her.

Then we got back on track and got moving again. We whooped and hollered and told each other and everyone around us that we could do it! We were all almost there and doing such an amazing job.

Then all of a sudden we turned a corner and there it was. The last flight, sunlight and a cheering crowd!

I couldn't do anything but smile and wipe away the tears. I had done it. I had climbed over 1,000 steps. I'd made it from the basement to the observation deck of Rockefeller Center. ME. Victory!

My time was a little over 41 minutes which was fine as I wasn't going for time.

My new pal Patti and I hugged each other and agreed neither of us could have done it without the other.

I'm so honored that I got to experience this event with someone like Patti. A woman who lives with MS each day and yet does not let it define her or hold her back. She was a complete inspiration to me.

The climb was not easy but it was a whole lot of fun and I'm so glad I did it. I took my time, took plenty of breaks, but never at any point did I feel like I wasn't going to be able to finish. I never felt like my tank was empty or that I had to really dig deep to finish.

I owe much of that to my climbing pals and all the great folks who kept my mind busy talking and encouraging each other all the way to the top. I never got a chance to doubt that I would finish.

It was an amazing experience and I don't think I'll ever look at that building the same way again!

I have got to be completely off my rocker. Why did I sign up for this?!

Gulp! That's a really REALLY tall building!

The heart rate monitor that picks the one day I really needed it, to not work.

That's my start time! In the chute waiting to go up!

At the first rest stop which was the 28th floor.

Second rest stop on the 43rd floor

This is the lovely Patti & I at the top. I had so much fun walking with her and was so inspired by her!

I did it! I made it to the top! I will never look at this building the same again.

Stair Climb

2011-02-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

With less than 24 hours to go till my stair climb event I've shifted into my nervous obsessive phase. I'm searching the internet for tips and tricks and stories of folks experiences with the climb.

I'm getting myself super excited and don't think I haven't noticed that there is a distinct lack of fear or uneasiness as there was with the twin lights bike ride. Remember how worried I was about that? As it turned out, my fears were well founded because that ride had the most insane hills I've ever ridden.

Having said that EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE in my family is supremely concerned about me and has told me so over and over. They are all sure I'm going to have a heart attack on the course. I promise you family, that is in no way my intention. I'll have my heart rate monitor and the first rest stop is on the 28th floor. I'll rest and drink and if I'm up to it and ONLY if I'm up to it, I'll keep climbing. I'm not one of those crazy insane athletes that pushes to the point of injury. I'm a fat mommy who is trying to push past my own limits but not at the expense of my heath. I PROMISE.

My plan for tomorrow is to set my alarm for about 5am get up, shower, get dressed, take the dog for a nice long walk and head into the city at about 6:30am.

It's important to me that I enter the building from the 5th Avenue promenade so depending on the time, I'm either going to walk up (I love the city at that time. It's almost empty and has a calmness to it that you can't find at any other time) or if I'm running late, I'll take the F train up and walk down 5th.

I'm not allowed to take photos on the stairs but if you think I'm leaving my camera home, you are on serious amounts of crack. I want photos from the top!!

I'm excited and I think I'm ready!

Writing

2011-02-24T18:23:00.001-05:00

My goodness! I have a brand spanking new appreciation for you folks who write for a living and have editors and deadlines!
Today has been my day to be a faux author and see what it's all about.
We submitted my blog to the major news outlet and they wrote me back telling me it wasn't quite what they were looking for.
I rewrote it as more of a how to fly guide with kids on the spectrum. Nope, that wasn't it either. They wanted a first person account of what it was like the first time Brian tantrumed on a plane.

This is what I sent them:

My 5 1/2 year old son Brian is on the Autism Spectrum. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was just 2 1/2 years old. Last week I got a phone call from Autism Speaks asking me if I wanted to be a part of a program called "Autism Explores" at Newark Airport. I didn't even hesitate. Just tell me where and when!

Brian's no stranger to flying and while he's really good now that wasn't always the case.
On his second flight he was over 2 and he had to sit in his own seat.
We were fine till I tried to put him in his car seat on the seat next to me.
He literally exploded with anger throwing the most amazing, intense desperate tantrum to get back into my lap and snuggle with me.

My heart was hammering out of my chest as I tried every single trick in the book to soothe this savage creature who was at this point holding the plane at the gate beacuse they couldn't push back without him being in his seat.

Between my husband and I we somehow got him into his seat and strapped in where he railed and thrashed like a fish out of water. Howling, screaming, throwing everything he could reach at me.

I was confused and crushed. Where had my great flier gone? What on EARTH was all that about?!

I couldn't even look at my fellow passengers or flight crew. I knew they all hated my family and while they didn't say anything I could feel the judgements and the anger and stress all around me. I didn't want to apologize for him beacuse it truly wasn't his fault. He was over stimulated and non verbal. I didn't think explaining it to them would help because we were seriously beyond anyone caring why it happened.

When we finally touched down in Orlando, I went to the bathroom and cried.

My husband and I discussed it and we decided that we (and those around us) were going to have to just suck it up and deal because comfort for Brian could only be found in repetition and in being familiar with the routine.

It took us about 30 flights of pure torture before one day out of the clear blue and for no rhyme or reason that I could see, Brian decided this was the flight he was to behave on and that was it. No looking back. It's to the point now where he doesn't even have to sit with me. He sits with his father and brother and I'm always in another aisle.

I'm a cautious optimistic and I still travel with my emergency bag of tricks (chips, goldfish, M&M's a favorite book and a new toy from the dollar store) because I know that we aren't so far removed from the tantrum flights and I know that they can return at any time and for no reason.

I was excited to be part of the program yesterday because we can't ever practice boarding a plane enough.

Getting through the airport with such a large group was very different and Brian showed signs of being close to a meltdown a couple of times, the biggest one when I disrupted his airport traditional routine of McDonald's after Security. The promise of Chicken McNuggets and Fries is often the only thing that gets us through without drama.

He was mad at me as we waited for the plane grumbling about "Airports, and Nuggets and Fries" and I was afraid we were going to be taking a step backwards. I messed with his routine. Not only were we not traveling with his big brother and father, we had all these strange faces and police and TSA with us and then I went and took away his nuggets and fries!!!.

I held my breath as we boarded the plane and found our seats as I do with each flight. I cheered him on as he found and buckled his seat belt himself. In return he shot me a look like I was off my rocker for being worried.

Yesterday's mock run was great for Brian who just keeps showing me how he's growing and maturing. When we got home he ran to his big brother and told him proudly "I put on my seatbelt all by myself"

I'm so glad we got a chance to take part in such a very special and important program and I can't wait for our trip in 6 weeks to Disney World!!!

woohoo

2011-02-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

So a major news network asked if I would write a blog about what we experienced yesterday.
I'd already written the beast you see below and sent the link to the media relations man.

He did some very cool editing and came up with this:

Autism Explores Program

My son Brian is on the Autism Spectrum. He was diagnosed when he was just 2 1/2 years old. Last week I got a phone call from Autism Speaks asking me if I wanted to be a part of a program called "Autism Explores" at Newark Airport. I didn't even hesitate. Just tell me where and when!

Later that day I got a call from one of the doctors at Albert Einstein Medical Center in Philadelphia. These are the folks who developed and run this genius program. She explained to me that we were going to take a mock plane ride, from start to finish. That Brian and I should pack a bag and be prepared to go through the airport just as we would if we were taking a real flight. We would be checking in, checking our bag, getting a ticket and a boarding pass, going through security, actually boarding a plane and going to baggage claim.

While Brian has gotten MUCH better at flying, he used to be a total terror and has on more than one occasion kept a plane on the ground much longer than it was supposed to be.

Since birth he's had the nickname "Brian the Lion" because of his legendary tantrums and the ones he would throw on the plane were horrific. I would board the plane fully expecting to have this flight be the one where I made the news as the mom who got kicked off the flight because of her kid.

On Wednesday, Brian was the youngest participant and to those who didn’t know him, he appeared to have no issues with the process of flying but I as his mother know that the past behaviors are not so far in the past and can, at any time show up unannounced and unprovoked.

To have the opportunity to show people the different shade of the Spectrum is one I was all too flattered to be a part of. I was not, however, so prepared for the craziness of the day. The media and the security and the folks from Einstein and Autism Speaks, we were like a huge caravan that moved about as fast as primordial ooze.

I found myself feeling a little anxious for Brian wondering if he was going to continue to tolerate the shutters and the bright light of the TV camera and all the new strange faces. He was a total champ though. He took the whole thing in total stride and never ever let them see him sweat. He was charming and friendly and very well behaved only having a very slight meltdown when I denied him his beloved routine of McDonald’s.

I of course got all proud mother hen on him, giving him high fives and telling him how proud I was. He in turn acted as though it was this way all the time and I was completely insane to act otherwise.

While we were on the plane, I found myself hoping that he behaves this well on our upcoming Disney trip (6 weeks!).

The day was fantastic and he and I both felt as though we had been a part of something super important.

I'm beyond flattered that they asked me to do this and cannot wait to see when it runs!

Autism Explorers Program

2011-02-24T11:04:00.005-05:00

Yesterday Brian the Lion & I got a chance to be a part of a super cool program for families with kids on the spectrum.

We were going to take a mock flight to help our children and other children get comfortable with the chaos that one can experience at an airport.

We packed a bag, made sure we had on clean socks (important since they make you take off your shoes at security!) and off we went.

We met the team from Autism Speaks & the Albert Einsten Medical Center at a hotel near the airport. Filled out some papers and boarded a bus (as Brian pointed out it was just like the Disney Express but without Mickey Mouse) to head for the airport.

Brian is a Newark Airport veteran having gone to Disney World 4 times a year since he was a year old. (yup, we are one of those crazy families!)

I was a little concerned beacuse we were traveling with a huge group that included TSA agents and police officers and it took just about forever to get from point A to point B. Since our family travels so much, we have the whole airport process streamlined to be as efficient and quick as possible, including never checking bags and printing our tickets online.

We had a small meltdown after he and I were one of the first to check in and get our boarding passe and then had to wait about 15 mins for the rest of the cast and crew to check in and join us. He only wanted to go through security and didn't want to wait for everyone.

He made sure we were some of the first through the security checkpoint, helping me put his stuff in the X-Ray machine bins and moving me along when he felt I was going too slow.

As we put shoes back on and waited for everyone else to catch up, we had another mini meltdown. This time about McDonalds.

We always bribe Brian was a treat or a snack to make the flight as smooth as can be and he knows that going to the airport means he gets Chicken Nuggets and Fries. An almost never treat. When we didn't leave security right away he howled and lay prone on the bench demanding his nuggets and fries.

I was not going to make the detour to get him McDonalds, seperate ourselves from the group and come back with food you can smell a mile away that I'm not sure if the other kids participating were allowed to have or not. (I've had the "She has ice cream and I don't" tantrum and I don't wish it on any other parents)

I promised him he would get it but not at that moment, wishing that our caravan would hitch up the horses and get the show on the road again to distract him.

Finally we did get moving and made it to our gate. (have you ever had police and TSA guarding your family while cameras click and TV cameras roll? It's freakin WEIRD!) We waited (complete with grumblings about the lack of Nuggets and how we ALWAYS have nuggets before we fly.)

We finally boarded the plane and though we were supposed to take our assigned seats they had me in row 22 and Brian in row 11. Yeah, not so much folks. So I let Brian choose our seats.

Here is where I held my breath. Would he put on his seatbelt? I messed with our routine of treat or snack before the flight and he was already mad at me for it.

While Brian has gotten MUCH better at flying, he used to be a total terror and has on more than one occasion kept a plane on the ground much longer than it was supposed to be thanks to his anti seat belt stance.

Brian hates to be restrained in any fashion. Seat belts are his enemy and the airplane lap belt enraged him every single time. He always wanted to take it off and snuggle on my lap.

Since birth he's had the nickname "Brian the Lion" because of his legendary tantrums and the ones he would throw on the plane were horrific. I would board the plane fully expecting to have this flight be the one where I made the news as the mom who got kicked off the flight because of her kid.

I’m not kidding even a little tiny bit. I literally never put anything in the overhead because I had to be ready to deplane if they decided Brian was a “threat”.

Kicking, biting me, and pulling my hair, screaming at the top of his lungs, punching, throwing toys. Think of the worst tantrum you have ever seen a kid throw and now make it twice as long, three times as intense and add in the no way to reason with them factor and you have the average plane ride with Brian.

The last few trips though, he's been a total angel. No tantrums, no anger, no trouble at all. A model passenger.

Where would the coin fall for me today? Please, please, please I begged internally. Be good. Put that seatbelt on for me!

He slowly reached for the two parts and snapped them together as if he had never ever had an issue with flying.

HUGE sigh of relief from mommy...

The captain came on and made all the routine announcements and they closed the cabin door and we "took off" The stewardi came around with drinks and a bag full of snacks.

M&M's (snarfed down before I coudl blink) bottle of water, a banana (that went right into my bag as Brian doesn't do fruit) a vanilla pudding (also made it's way to my bag) and a package of gluten free chocoalte chip cookies (which made Brian very happy)

He sat there, seatbelt on, watching the movie "BOLT" (and as a total aside, airlines are you reading this? Those in flight TV's are a GODSEND and need to be on every single plane!) then it was time to get off the plane and go and get our bags.

Our circus made it's way down to the lower level where we would get our bags. Brian didn't even give me a chance to pick mine up. He grabbed it and hoisted it up and off the carousel and tried to carry it for me but didn't get too far.

We once again had to wait around for everyone and Brian was frustrated that we weren't going to be walking out the door we ALWAYS walk out to get to a cab.

Over all though, it was a really special experience and we got to meet and spend time with some very lovely people.

Space

2011-02-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

My Realtor has found out who owns the space I want for my bakery/cafe and now he and his assistant are trying to get in touch with the owner.
Fingers crossed he is willing to lease out the space and doesn't want a zillion dollars.
It's coming together quickly now. I found the very first draft of my business plan that I drafted back in 2007 and I'm working on updating it and finishing it.
This could actually happen for me this year!

The real me

2011-02-20T23:24:00.000-05:00

So help me GOD when I finally get this 80 pounds off my frame, I'm going for hair extensions and I'm doing my hair this color

MORE SNOW

2011-02-20T17:32:00.001-05:00

Local Weather Alert

Winter Weather Advisory for Hoboken, New Jersey

From 12:00 AM EST, Mon., Feb 21, 2011 until 2:00 PM EST, Mon., Feb 21, 2011

Issued by The National Weather Service
New York City, NY

Sun, Feb 20, 2011, 12:00 AM EST

... WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO 2 PM EST MONDAY...
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN UPTON HAS ISSUED A WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY FOR SNOW... WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO 2 PM EST MONDAY.
* LOCATIONS... NEW YORK CITY AND IMMEDIATE SUBURBS... WESTERN LONG ISLAND AND COASTAL SOUTHWEST CONNECTICUT.
* HAZARDS... SNOW.
* ACCUMULATIONS... 3 TO 5 INCHES.
* VISIBILITIES... 1/2 MILE AT TIMES.
* TIMING... LIGHT SNOW WILL DEVELOP AROUND MIDNIGHT. A PERIOD OF MODERATE SNOW IS LIKELY LATE TONIGHT INTO MONDAY MORNING. SNOW WILL THEN GRADUALLY TAPER OFF FROM WEST TO EAST LATE MONDAY MORNING INTO EARLY AFTERNOON.
* IMPACTS... EXPECT HAZARDOUS ROAD CONDITIONS LATE TONIGHT INTO MONDAY MORNING DUE TO SNOW COVERED ROADS AND REDUCED VISIBILITIES.
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...
A WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY FOR SNOW MEANS THAT PERIODS OF SNOW WILL CAUSE TRAVEL DIFFICULTIES. BE PREPARED FOR SLIPPERY ROADS AND LIMITED VISIBILITIES... AND USE CAUTION WHILE DRIVING.
&&

More Information

... SNOW EXPECTED LATE TONIGHT INTO MONDAY...

Thoughts

2011-02-20T12:31:00.000-05:00

Strange Universe

2011-02-17T09:25:00.000-05:00

While surfing YouTube I recently found a very old video of a band Chrissy & I were friends with.
I reached out to Acey and sent him the video and told him I was reminded of him and her and good times.
He said he was just talking about Chrissy & I to a mutual friend!
We got chatting and it turns out that he's now licensed to cut hair.
Half joking I said that I'd be the envy of little goth gals all over the universe if I were to have him cut my hair.
Long story short, he's going to cut my hair! Next week sometime we are still working out the schedule and the details but it's going to cost next to nothing and I get to see an old friend who has gone on to do really good stuff with his life.
Acey is one of the sweetest guys and I'm excited to see him again.

His band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSB7shKFqVw

and the cutie himself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2W6GxNpEX0&feature=related

Plans

2011-02-15T20:42:00.000-05:00

This week has been a total comedy of errors.
Tomorrow is my 38th birthday. I've been with Mike for 13 years and not ONCE has he EVER taken the day off to surprise me.
This year, he did just that. Unfortunately for him, I'd invited some of my gal pals to celebrate with me over Tea at a restaurant in NYC.
He was disappointed but rallied and changed the day off to Friday. Turns out Friday the kids are off of school.
I decided to try to make the best of it and asked my mother and sister to do an overnight so we can get in a little mommy daddy time.
I have a fund raising bake sale I'm running from 7 to 10pm but after that...
My sister has been dog siting all this week but the owners were due home on Friday which worked out perfectly because she would be there to help my mother who has never watched the kids alone ever.
Today she got an email from the dogs owners asking if she can extend her stay till Monday as they want to extend their vacation.
Our overnight is looking very grim. We haven't had any time alone since October and he's not going to be home at all this weekend. Going to get a new tattoo on Saturday (an all day thing) and then Sunday into Monday he's going to Atlantic City with his best friend.
Next weekend he's going to Washington DC for the week for work so that's out too.

Someone please tell me why the universe is messing with me like this?

M3 again

2011-02-11T20:53:00.001-05:00

So Mike has cautiously agreed to the M3 tour.
He's so concerned something is going to happen to me. The thing is, I'm not a young pup, nor am I a spring chicken. I've been going to shows and clubs alone since I was 13 years old. I'm an old hat at taking care of myself and telling friendly guys to go fuck themselves.
When we initially discussed it he'd mentioned the Warped Tour. I just now went to take a look at video of the Warped Tour concert goers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fZYgTHuWXQ
uh yeah. No. No thanks very much. No WONDER he was worried!

Small side story: My friend from high school wanted to go and see Megadeth at the Roseland Ballroom. She purchased GA tickets for us and I pulled some strings to get us upper balcony seats. She couldn't understand WHY I wouldn't want to be as close to the stage as possible. Once the show started and a huge mosh pit broke out, she understood why.
I'm 4'11" tall and have never been in a fight in my life. I don't do mosh pits.

Nope, none of that will occur at this event. Rock fans are very different than punk fans and thrash fans. We do stupid shit like throw devil horns and bang our head (I do NOT bang my head thank you very much) but we don't mosh and in my experience if a mosh pit should break out and attempt to gain life, it's squashed quickly.
The worst thing we do is yell "WOOHOO" and "FUCKIN A" and "METAL RULES DUDE" a lot. (No, I do NOT yell any of these things thank you very much)

I'm not saying people don't get hurt at rock events (I was almost trampled and crushed at a Motley Crue show. If Chrissy hadn't blocked me with her tall self I would have been killed when the crowd rushed the stage) but it's a rare thing.

Here look. Wanna see how much better behaved our fans are? Check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hb1VD5x6LY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VdbdZAsqLg&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3SL_73Si_g&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye6y1-LFsDM

See? None of that thrashy crap.

I can tell you what you (I) WILL see there.
1. Drunk middle aged men
2. Drunk middle aged men who for some reason have decided to attempt to keep their long hair and now have an intentional mullet because of that balding pattern in the front.
3. Biker dudes who all of a sudden don't seem so big and bad since they are rockin out to men in makeup
4. Women who do not realize that time has passed and no one wears that much hairspray anymore
5. Women who still think they should be wearing Spandex
6. People who think it a good idea to bring their tiny toddlers to an event like this. (It is not a good idea)
7. Groupie girls. These are 20 somethings who were in diapers when I saw all these bands play first time around.
8. Fat chicks who think guys dig them.

The most harmful creature there will be the party fools. These are the doofus who drink double fisted the entire time and wind up passing out, throwing up or picking fights.

Our songs have lyrics about partying and having a good time and sex and rock and roll.
Since I'm a monogamous gal who doesn't drink I plan on avoiding any and all drama and just going to see the bands I like and going back to my room to go to sleep.

Nothin but a good time...

Bras

2011-02-11T12:21:00.000-05:00

For me, a bra is not a choice. Without one...well no. We don't want to go there or picture that.
I'd purchased a sports bra that quickly became my favorite bra and has lost much of it's holding power.
I went and purchased a minimizer bra and a new sports bra. The minimizer bra is corset like. It's so insanely restricting and really feels like I'm wearing a boned corset.
I'm no stranger to suffering for beauty (in the 80's on a bloated or fat day I could be found donning 3 spanx like garments one on top of another plus control top stockings to keep the fat flat) but at almost 38 years of age with no one but myself left to impress I'm not going to be uncomfortable if I don't have to be.

To my eyes all the minimizer did was push the gals together and up forming some killer diller clevage but not much else. (NOT that killer clevage is to be sniffed at. Accentuate the positive I say!) but as I said, I'm not into suffering for beauty anymore so I did a little test.

The first pictures are with the minimizer and the second two are without.

What do you think?

My dad

2011-02-11T10:48:00.000-05:00

My father is a fixer. If there is a problem and he knows about it, he's going to move heaven and earth to solve it.
In that moving heaven and earth he has the ablity to make me slighly insane.
For a few months now I've been battling a heel bone spur which makes walking painful and difficult. (Imagine the worst bruise on the heel of your foot. That's what it feels like)
Most of the time I'm walking with a limp and gimping around on the slow side.
I have an appt with my doctor on the 28th of this month to discuss it and a myraid of other issues but mostly the damn foot thing.
My dad saw me limping around and asked what it was.

Once he diagnosed what it was that was it. He was off and running ordering me a boot to sleep with at night, getting me a heating pad, a massager, a tool to exercise the muscules with, asking his Physical Therapist what I should do about it...
I love the help and over the years have become completely spoiled by my dad, knowing he's always there to help me no matter what.

It's the phone calls I can do without. In the time it took me to type all that you see above, my father has called me three times to discuss getting a new battery for my phone. He just called me again to ask for my sister's email.
When he decided to help me with my foot, in the span of one hour the man called my home 8 times and my cel phone 9 trying to get a hold of me.

I love my dad and he and I have always been close. Ever since I was a little girl, he's been my buddy. I know my dad well enough that if I tell him to please, stop with the phone calls, it's going to hurt his feelings.

So I accept (or ignore in some cases) every single call and rather than be annoyed, I realize how lucky I am to have a dad like him...

M3 Rockfest

2011-02-03T09:37:00.001-05:00

I've seriously been wrestling with this event since I found out about it.

I really want to go. The 16 year old in me thinks it would be so much damn fun to get to see all these bands I love one last time.

The adult in me would only go if she could secure the VIP tickets.

The mother in me can't burn a rare full weekend of babysitting to be selfish.

So I'm sitting here watching videos...

M3 Rock Fest

2011-02-03T09:11:00.003-05:00

Sigh

2011-01-26T18:19:00.000-05:00

Issued by The National Weather Service
New York City, NY
4:13 pm EST, Wed., Jan. 26, 2011

... WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM EST THURSDAY...

A WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM EST THURSDAY.

* LOCATIONS... PORTIONS OF NORTHEAST NEW JERSEY... NEW YORK CITY AND SOUTHERN LONG ISLAND.

* HAZARDS... HEAVY SNOW.

* ACCUMULATIONS... 8 TO 12 INCHES OF SNOW.

* WINDS... NORTH WINDS OF 10 TO 20 MPH WITH GUSTS UP TO 30 MPH ARE EXPECTED ACROSS NEW YORK CITY AND NORTHEAST NEW JERSEY TONIGHT.

* TIMING... A WINTRY MIX OF SNOW... SLEET... AND FREEZING RAIN... BECOMING A MODERATE TO HEAVY SNOW THIS EVENING INTO TONIGHT.

* IMPACTS... TRAVEL EXPECTED TO BE HAZARDOUS DURING THE EVENING COMMUTE AND THURSDAY MORNING COMMUTE... WITH THE HEAVIEST SNOW FALLING THIS EVENING INTO THE OVERNIGHT TONIGHT. NEAR BLIZZARD CONDITIONS POSSIBLE ACROSS SOUTHEASTERN PORTIONS OF LONG ISLAND LATE THIS EVENING INTO THE OVERNIGHT.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A WINTER STORM WARNING FOR HEAVY SNOW MEANS SEVERE WINTER WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW ARE FORECAST THAT WILL MAKE TRAVEL DANGEROUS. ONLY TRAVEL IN AN EMERGENCY. IF YOU MUST TRAVEL... KEEP AN EXTRA FLASHLIGHT... FOOD... AND WATER IN YOUR VEHICLE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY.

More Information

... WINTER STORM WILL BRING ANOTHER ROUND OF HEAVY SNOWFALL TO MUCH OF THE TRI-STATE AREA THIS EVENING INTO TONIGHT...

WEATHER

2011-01-25T19:21:00.000-05:00

Issued by The National Weather Service
New York City, NY
4:12 pm EST, Tue., Jan. 25, 2011

... WINTER STORM WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON THROUGH THURSDAY MORNING...

A WINTER STORM WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON THROUGH THURSDAY MORNING.

* LOCATIONS... NORTHEAST NEW JERSEY... THE LOWER HUDSON VALLEY... NEW YORK CITY METROPOLITAN AREA... LONG ISLAND... AND SOUTHERN CONNECTICUT.

* HAZARDS... HEAVY SNOW... WITH A PERIOD OF A RAIN AND SLEET MIX AT THE ONSET.

* ACCUMULATIONS... 6 OR MORE INCHES OF SNOW. HIGHEST AMOUNTS MOST LIKELY ACROSS CONNECTICUT.

* WINDS... NORTHEAST WINDS OF 15 TO 20 MPH DEVELOPING WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON... BECOMING NORTH AND INCREASING TO 20 TO 30 MPH WITH GUSTS UP 35 MPH WEDNESDAY NIGHT... THEN TURNING NORTHWEST THURSDAY MORNING. HIGHEST WINDS EAST.

* TIMING... WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON INTO THURSDAY MORNING.

* IMPACTS... TRAVEL MAY BE HAZARDOUS DURING THE WEDNESDAY EVENING COMMUTE AND THURSDAY MORNING COMMUTE... WITH THE HEAVIEST SNOW LIKELY FALLING OVERNIGHT WEDNESDAY.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A WINTER STORM WATCH MEANS THERE IS A POTENTIAL FOR SIGNIFICANT SNOW... SLEET... OR ICE ACCUMULATIONS THAT MAY IMPACT TRAVEL. CONTINUE TO MONITOR THE LATEST FORECASTS.

More Information

... SIGNIFICANT SNOWFALL POSSIBLE LATE WEDNESDAY THROUGH WEDNESDAY NIGHT...

Why didn't I think of that?!

2011-01-25T09:47:00.000-05:00

My father's therapist suggested that I get a job and hire a nanny to pick the kids up and drop them off at school and then watch them till I get home from work.

I suggest that the folks around me help me open my OWN business rather than suggesting that I go to work for someone else...

Logo Ideas

2011-01-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

Cards

2011-01-19T18:06:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited! I have 4 of these being made up for me.
Chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting
chocolate cupcake with vanilla frosting
vanilla cupcake with vanilla frosting
vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting

125 27th Avenue Brooklyn NY

2011-01-14T16:59:00.000-05:00

This is where we lived when Lion was born. Only one year but it was the hardest, most isolated year of my life. The only bright spot was the pizza. Once a week my mother and sister would come out to see the boys and I and we would all go to this AMAZING pizza place around the corner.
The apartment building is the one with the two staircases.

View Larger Map

HOORAY

2011-01-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

We've decided. I'm going to call a Realtor tomorrow and we are putting this place on the market.
I don't expect it to move fast but we are finally going to start to look at bigger places, at REAL homes with a backyard for the boys!
VERY excited!

Is it summer yet?

2011-01-12T23:24:00.002-05:00

RATS

2011-01-10T17:21:00.000-05:00

Ignoring that the rats are a multi color. (I thought I was buying white and apparently I purchased sparkle) This is round one of trying to figure out how to best get them out of the molds intact and keep the tails as neat as I can without breaking them...

More Snow

2011-01-10T16:40:00.003-05:00

Hooray

Issued by The National Weather Service
New York City, NY
4:30 pm EST, Mon., Jan. 10, 2011

... WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT FROM 7 PM TUESDAY TO 6 PM EST WEDNESDAY...

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN UPTON HAS ISSUED A WINTER STORM WARNING FOR HEAVY SNOW... WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM 7 PM TUESDAY TO 6 PM EST WEDNESDAY. THE WINTER STORM WATCH IS NO LONGER IN EFFECT.

* LOCATIONS... NEW YORK CITY... LONG ISLAND AND NORTHEAST NEW JERSEY.

* HAZARDS... SNOW... HEAVY AT TIMES.

* ACCUMULATIONS... 7 TO 14 INCHES... WITH LOCALLY HIGHER AMOUNTS POSSIBLE. HIGHEST AMOUNTS ACROSS LONG ISLAND.

* WINDS... GUSTS 25 TO 35 MPH.

* VISIBILITIES... LESS THAN 1/4 MILE AT TIMES.

* TIMING... HEAVIEST SNOW OCCURS AFTER MIDNIGHT TUESDAY NIGHT INTO EARLY WEDNESDAY.

* IMPACTS... HAZARDOUS TRAVEL TUESDAY NIGHT AND THROUGH THE DAY WEDNESDAY.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A WINTER STORM WARNING FOR HEAVY SNOW MEANS SEVERE WINTER WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW ARE FORECAST THAT WILL MAKE TRAVEL DANGEROUS. ONLY TRAVEL IN AN EMERGENCY. IF YOU MUST TRAVEL... KEEP AN EXTRA FLASHLIGHT... FOOD... AND WATER IN YOUR VEHICLE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY.

Cupcake Hussy

2011-01-10T15:26:00.001-05:00

TOTAL LOVE

Songs

2011-01-07T14:06:00.001-05:00

Can we please be clear on something here?
THIS is not what I mean when I say that I love the song "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

THIS is what I mean

In the future, you won't ever hear me reference a Green Day song, or ANYTHING about Green Day at all ever.
If you think I have, ask me. Odds are I'm referring to something one of your Emo bands has recycled and you are too young to remember.
Now please. Go away and stop making me feel old.

Birthday and the shoes

2011-01-06T16:42:00.000-05:00

Today my wild oldest son, the one who since birth I've said is either going to end up on Broadway or on an episode of Cops turns 7.
7 years old. My God. How did I get to be the mother of a 7 year old boy?
Today was an insane day. I felt a little like a duck, paddling furiously under water while appearing calm and cool on the surface.
I had to run so many errands to get the goody bags and the cupcakes and the balloons and then get the balloons inflated and then get everything over to school in time for 2pm.
It went off super well and though it was my plan to bake a lego cake for Pats, it seems my darling hubs is saving the day and coming home with a Red Velvet Cake which is one of Pats favs.
Since it's just us and no friends I attempted to keep the decorations on the minimal side.

and for all my hard work, I got a present today too!
These arrived in the mail. The kids have become obsessed with Zombies and when I saw these...

I think I'm officially the coolest mom on the block...

100_0491

2011-01-05T22:59:00.001-05:00

100_0491
Originally uploaded by mike_whittles

How can this itty bitty 3 year old boy talking about having lunch with JoJo and Goliath in Disney World be turning 7 tomorrow?!

Birthday

2011-01-05T03:29:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow PJ turns 7. We aren't having a big Birthday Party for him. (Like his mommy he seems to be a bit of a loner and doesn't really have any pals, which is a topic for another post.)
I'll be bringing in Cupcakes to his class but his party is just going to be me, Lion, Mike, my mother, father and sister.
He started out wanting to have an Indiana Jones party. Cool with me. I ordered custom Indiana Jones Lego cupcake toppers for him and started to map out decorations and a color theme.
This morning he woke and told me he no longer wants Indiana Jones. Now he wants a Lego themed Birthday.
Oy.
Okay, I'm cool. I can do that. I figure I'll use the Indiana Jones toppers at school and at home I'll be making him a Lego Birthday Cake much like the ones you see above.
It's my plan that with the left over cake I'm going to make cake pops to look like the above Lego heads.
I'll have balloons in primary colors and table cloth and plates and cups in the same. The table will be decorated with Legos.
Today I have to go back to the Cake Supply shop and get food coloring in the proper colors (White, Yellow, Blue, Red) and to the Party Supply shop to get the stuff for the party.

Project #1

2011-01-03T14:09:00.000-05:00

I get to start one of my projects today.
Not going to tell you what it is but I'll give you a hint.

EXHAUSTED

2011-01-03T07:22:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired today. I want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep for a zillion years!
It's my plan today to go to Boot Camp at 9am and then head into the city to do the stairs at my mom's place.
I want to do at least 2 sets of stairs for a total of 34 flights. Nothing fancy. Going to walk up, back down and up and down again.
I'm going to time it to see how long it takes me to walk at a "normal" pace so I can have a baseline and a place to work from.
On another note, I found this photo taken at one of Mike's cousins weddings. This is his entire extended family. His mom dad and brother are in here as well. Look at how fat Mike and I are!

Tattoo Idea

2011-01-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be headed to Tattoos are Forever

Ultimately I want this to be a sleeve but we are going to start with the cupcake at the top and go from there.
Here is the cupcake:

I want to eliminate the cherry from the top (Honestly, how often do you see a cupcake with a cherry on it's top?) and the banner as well. I want to have a wrap around banner that has my kiddos names in them "Patrick & Brian"

Frosting should be a rich bright blue and the wrapper should be a white wrapper with a pale yellow tint (Vanilla cake inside)

I want sprinkles for sure! I'm a huge fan of the nonpareil:

I don't want the cupcake sitting all alone and lonely. That's icky. I'd like it to have a background that we can build on as the tattoo grows.
It's hard to tell with this tattoo but along with the candy around the tattoo are little hearts in random places. I LOVE that idea and would love to do it on mine.

I LOVE the "crown" on this cupcake. The sort of halo effect is awesome

and as the sleeve goes on, here are the candies I want to have as a part of it. They are in no particular order or importance.

I want this to be very bright and super colorful. A color bomb almost.
Along with the hearts in the background I'd like to have random little color dots.

Happy New Years

2010-12-31T16:06:00.002-05:00

Nails

2010-12-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

We all know how obsessed I am with my nails these days. Back in the day I was the QUEEN of nail art. I always had something airbrushed or painted or rhinestones on my nails. I miss that I loved it.
I found this nail salon in Time Out NYC.
I went on the hunt to see what their nail art was really like.
LOVE and I'm going to make an appt!

Things I feel I need for the bike...

2010-12-28T18:24:00.000-05:00

A few accessory changes for the Bison! I think I'm going to remove the saddle bags

Hair Toys

2010-12-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

Just arrived in the mail. HOORAY! Super duper cute!

Snow

2010-12-27T06:56:00.001-05:00

Lion

2010-12-26T21:34:00.000-05:00

http://unhingedmommy.blogspot.com/2010/06/lions-moving-up.html

Watching this video makes me drunk with love for my small son. He's just so amazing. Tonight while we were at the ends of our rope trying to put together that damn bunk bed, I sat on the floor out of exhaustion and he popped his head in the room and said
"Hey mommy!"
"Hey little Lion. What's up?" (for the record, I really do call him Lion and my little Lion. It's not just for the sake of the blog)
"Nuffin. I love you mommy"

Did I mention how much I love that kid?

Christmas Cupcakes

2010-12-24T07:40:00.000-05:00

First batch of eggnog cupcakes with eggnog frosting are done!
Click the photos to enlarge

Cupcake Hussy & The Rental Kitchen

2010-12-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

“The more intensely we feel about an idea or a goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment.”

I finally got in touch with the owner of a local business that is willing to rent out her commercial kitchen to Cupcake Hussy!
She wants a guaranteed 20 hours per month at $25 per hour.
That's a minimum of $500 a month or 250 delightful, delicious, delectable cupcakes sold per month.

I'm going to go and see her space on Monday! I'm so so so so excited. This is going to happen. 5 years of planning and wanting and dreaming and I'm going to make this thing happen!
Off to call the insurance company to find out what kind of insurance I need to carry to make something like this work.
Then I have to work on Mike to get him to do sales for me...

Thoughts for today

2010-12-21T11:09:00.000-05:00

“Each day is a special gift from God, and while life may not always be fair, you must never allow the pains, hurdles, and handicaps of the moment to poison your attitude and plans for yourself and your future. You can never win when you wear the ugly cloak of self-pity, and the sour sound of whining will certainly frighten away any opportunity for success. Never again. There is a better way.”

"If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day."

Hussy...

2010-12-20T13:01:00.001-05:00

Better than I imagined...

Love

2010-12-20T12:12:00.000-05:00

I love that I'm all of a sudden feeling very creative again and want to start designing hair things again.
This is the very VERY early stage of one I'm working on. I started with about 10 coats of glow in the dark paint and then covered it with a clear paint with iridescent glitter.
I took her into the bathroom to be sure she glowed. Click the photos to enlarge.

I love it when things do what I intended them to do. Going to add more rhinestones...

True Dat

2010-12-20T07:33:00.002-05:00

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

True Words

2010-12-19T19:20:00.000-05:00

“A friend is very different from an acquaintance. The former is tried and true; the latter only a casual shadow in one's life.”

Remember that quote I put up a while back? The one about putting up walls to see who cared enough to take them down?
I was careful to be sure that wasn't what I was doing but in isolating myself, I found that many of the folks I was calling friends are nothing more than very casual acquaintances.
That I need to stop chasing these folks because, well, because it's a total waste of my time.

I'm sure in their own way they care for me but clearly not enough to shoot me a text to see how I'm doing when they know I'm having a rough go of it.
That's fine. I'm finally okay with that. They aren't at all obligated to check in with me.
It just made it crystal clear where I stand with them.

I'm tired of inviting folks to coffee or sending out emails and hearing nothing back.
I keep hearing my mother in my head "Diana, you don't have to be the first to say hi all the time"

I logged back onto Facebook to get some photos and saw comments about a Christmas party thrown by someone I know that apparently many of our mutual acquaintances got invited to but I did not.

It's not the first time this has happened and I have to see the writing on the wall and eliminate this behavior from my life.
All it does is stir up the 11 year old girl in me and makes me feel awful and unloved inside.

Since I'm not one who can be fake, I need to make a totally clean break from this group. If I don't, this is going to keep happening and I'm not ever going to be able to heal completely.

It's hard for me to walk away from the only social connections that I have but clearly I'm looking for more from these people than they are willing to give to me.
I cannot allow myself to keep chasing them. It's unfair and unhealthy.

Of course my door will always be open to them for Baking supplies or Disney advice and I will never ever harbor even a drop of ill will towards these ladies. They are all stupendous gals that I respect and admire greatly. (Would I be so into a friendship with them if they weren't?)

I just need to clear the slate.

Things that make me smile

2010-12-18T21:41:00.002-05:00

Click photos to enlarge

This last one, this necklace? I contacted the woman who made it and asked her to make some small modifications to it. Picture it on a pink chain and rather than it saying Madame Cupcake it reads "Cupcake Hussy". (Mike is going to HATE it but that's never stopped me before!)

Yup. Changes are in the wind peeps...going back to what makes me feel good and how I feel comfortable. Not going to tone myself down anymore.

Running across that photo from 6th grade turned a light bulb on in my head and reminded me of what I've known all along.
I've realized that the second I try to be someone or change myself to something I'm not, folks know it. It's almost like sharks smelling blood in the water. They know it and they react adversely to it. Why wouldn't they? Who likes fake?

I've been so sad lately and unhappy and angry and depressed trying to figure out what was the matter with me.
I figured it out. I'd wandered way to far away from who me was. I lost me trying to fit in. The real me rocks. I'm an awesome human being and I'm a good person. She was just a little bit lost.

My mindset has ALWAYS been that life should be fun and folks are way way way to serious. I'm lucky enough to have a husband who allows me to be a stay at home mom which means I can't get fired and don't answer to anyone but me and the kiddos.
Why shouldn't I have fun with life.
All this will start with next date night when I get my cupcake/candy tattoo sleeve started. I can't wait!

Me

2010-12-18T20:17:00.002-05:00

The year was 1986. I was a 12 year old gal who was trying way way way too hard to fit in with the cool kids.
Even back then I struggled between what they were doing and wearing and who I knew I was.

Those pants I'm wearing? They are buffalo plaid monster fur pants. I had them in red, blue and yellow. Yup. Even back then while trying to fit in, I was still standing out. Still different than everyone else.

The two years I spent at that school at the time were the worst two years of my life. Looking back, who I was and who I am today was formed and placed in cement in those two years. I owe everyone in that school who knew who I was better than I did a huge thank you. If not for them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Click the photos to enlarge.

Cupcake Hussy

2010-12-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

Love this design but it's time to change her a bit.
She's going to be the new Cupcake Hussy logo and an eventual tattoo. I'm sending her to the artist today to have her worked up and refined and of course have the logo changed to read Cupcake Hussy.
One step at a time but part of my transformation is not sitting on this project any longer. I've wanted it for so long and it's time to make it happen come hell or high water.

A brand new day

2010-12-15T08:06:00.001-05:00

I've been feeling a little like a caterpillar lately. I've been isolated in my cocoon of self, trying to sort through some stuff and I think, I think I'm almost ready to be a butterfly again.
Almost.
I've been working on getting myself back on track and focused and sort of reinventing myself. Getting back to my silly ways and my happy demeanor.
Taking inspiration from everything and every one around me, we were watching the Victoria's Secret fashion show. (can I just take a second to say WOW. I didn't know they made legs that long!)
The guest musician was Katy Perry and she did a song called "Firework"
Since we watched it I haven't been able to get it out of my head.

I've downloaded it for my IPhone and listen to it all the time.
I found this version someone threw together that show you the lyrics that I love so much.

Three Things

2010-12-13T23:26:00.000-05:00

Three things arrived at my home today that made me smile.

Today was a very good day.

Today

2010-12-11T23:03:00.001-05:00

It's over. We are home and my makeup is semi in tact and it's over.
I almost made it through without crying but Mom's best pal who I really like found me and pulled me to a corner to talk to me.

She told me that mom had told her on many occasions how proud she was of what a good job I was doing with the boys and how despite all the challenges tossed my way I was still turning out great little kiddos.
This caused me to break down and just lose it.
I sat there, tissue in hand tears streaming down my face unable to do anything but nod.

I wanted to thank N for all she's done for mom over the years and to tell her how amazing I think she is but I couldn't even get a squeak out. (I will be emailing her)

I eventually pulled it together but that was a rough moment for me. She was a woman I loved dearly and respected greatly and to know that something I did made her proud, knowing that she thought I was not screwing my pups up too badly (For the record, I think I'm a rather good mother. A little unconventional but good) meant the world to me. To know that when she discussed me, it was with kind words made me feel good.

When Lion was an itty bitty he couldn't stand being touched or held. I couldn't sing to him or rock him or play with him the way most kids are played with.
My MIL saw this and thought I didn't like him. She was afraid for him and for me. Only after he was diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum did it all fall into place for everyone around me.

I was of course, oblivious to how others perceived me and my parenting because I was truly trying to handle a 17 month old precocious little guy and a small baby who wanted nothing I had to offer him and who had severe colic.

We were living in an apartment in a rough area of Brooklyn and I couldn't go anywhere or do anything because I couldn't get the double stroller on the bus and couldn't carry it up the stairs to the subway. I was isolated, depressed stuck at home with two little kids, trying to keep myself from going completely off the deep end.

It was a rough time for me, and the weakest time in my relationship with my MIL. We over came it and to hear that she was ultimately proud of me for something she had in the past been supremely critical of was so amazing for me to hear.

So many beautiful flowers were sent and that made me smile because she LOVED her flowers. The offerings would have pleased her greatly I know.

I will miss her voice and her laugh and our daily phone conversations. I'm always going to miss her but I'm so glad today is over. I'm exhausted.

Tomorrow and the future

2010-12-10T19:51:00.001-05:00

If I don't think too much, I don't cry.
Today I went to pick up the phone to call her as I did every afternoon for the past 6 or 7 years.
I can hear her voice and it makes me smile.
I feel sort of silly crying when Mike isn't and not crying when he is.
It's been a rough couple of days around here.

I did call the house but to see how my father in law was doing.
41 years they were married and for the past 15 he's been taking care of her hand and foot.

The past year, as she fell further and further down the rabbit hole of illness, she was his entire life. He couldn't leave the house, never went out with friends and did nothing spontaneous. He retired to take care of her and give her the round the clock care she needed.

Mike went down yesterday because it was dad's birthday. He says the house should have a revolving door on it for all the visitors and well wishers.
My FIL is a retired Police Lieutenant and is well liked all over the community. He's got friends in all places.

Tomorrow should be a zoo with people coming to pay respects to her.
We decided to bring the boys and so I sat them down and tried to explain death to them. Lion could care less and PJ wants to know if she's going to be a zombie.
I'm thinking that tomorrow is either going to be smooth with them or awful.
The service and wake are all in one. 2 hours with the priest speaking at 3:30 and then we are going to eat.
I think I will be fine till the priest does his thing.

It's going to be a long day. I'm packing 8 mini packs of tissues...

My MIL

2010-12-08T10:24:00.001-05:00

My mother in law passed away sometime last night.
I'm going between incredible calm and semi hysterics.

She was one of the most amazing women I've ever had the pleasure of having in my life and I'm a far better person for it.
She was sick from the day I met her. I never really got the full story but apparently the Drs. gave her some sort of a drug for psoriasis that burned all the cilia off of her lungs and that was the start of the end. To combat the heart issues and the lack of lung capacity they put her on steroids which destroyed her bones and her body.

I got super close to her when we were planning my wedding. She was the one who helped me with everything and then she got really sick with 3 blood clots and was this close to death and couldn't come to our wedding.
Since then, she and I have talked almost every day on the phone and I've always tried to keep her upbeat and happy and talk her through the dark days and the days with pain and massive depression.

No matter how much pain she was in, no matter how she was hurting (and this woman was one tough cookie. She had root canals done with no Novocaine!) she never complained, never whined and I often had to drag out of her how she was really feeling.

She was more than a mother in law. She was a friend and we often said if I lived closer, and she were healthier we would have been dangerous together out shopping or going to lunch.

I was in a lot of ways, closer to her than was to my own mother. Though I knew she was going to be leaving us soon, I didn't think it would be this soon.

We went to see her yesterday at his dad's request and she was in very bad shape. I'm glad we go to see her and I got to tell her that I loved her one last time.

Now I have to be strong and try to be support for my father in law and my sweet husband who keeps breaking down at random moments in hysterics.

Death while welcome by the sick, truly sucks for those left behind.

Mike isn't sure he can speak at the funeral and if he can't, I'm going to step in and do it.
As you can tell from reading this blog, I'm not the best at writing or speaking and so I asked my mother for a suggestion for a poem or a passage and she found this perfect poem by Anne Bronte

Farewell - Anne Bronte

Farewell to thee! but not farewell
To all my fondest thoughts of thee:
Within my heart they still shall dwell;
And they shall cheer and comfort me.

O, beautiful, and full of grace!
If thou hadst never met mine eye,
I had not dreamed a living face
Could fancied charms so far outvie.

If I may ne'er behold again
That form and face so dear to me,
Nor hear thy voice, still would I fain
Preserve, for aye, their memory.

That voice, the magic of whose tone
Can wake an echo in my breast,
Creating feelings that, alone,
Can make my tranced spirit blest.

That laughing eye, whose sunny beam
My memory would not cherish less; -
And oh, that smile! whose joyous gleam
Nor mortal language can express.

Adieu, but let me cherish, still,
The hope with which I cannot part.
Contempt may wound, and coldness chill,
But still it lingers in my heart.

And who can tell but Heaven, at last,
May answer all my thousand prayers,
And bid the future pay the past
With joy for anguish, smiles for tears?

MS Climb to the Top

2010-12-06T10:51:00.001-05:00

I know this site is getting some new traffic thanks to The Brooklyn Holiday Food Experiment so I thought I'd take this time to appeal to you all.

On February 27th, 2011 I'm going to be climbing 66 stories (1215 steps!) to the top of the Rockefeller Center to raise funds and awareness for MS.

It is my goal to raise $2,000 for the National MS Society.

Why We Want a World Free of MS
Having multiple sclerosis means that you may suddenly have blurry vision. Or that your memory will fail you for no apparent reason. Or that you may not always be able to walk, or climb stairs. The symptoms of MS are different for everyone - the only certainty is that it will affect yet another person every hour of every day.

Why I Climb
I've registered for Climb to the Top because I want to do something for the people who have been diagnosed - and because I want to do everything to prevent more people from learning what it means to live with this disease. Today, there is no cure for multiple sclerosis, and with diagnosis occurring most frequently between the ages of 20 and 50, many individuals face a lifetime filled with unpredictability.

Why You Should Sponsor Me
We know that MS doesn’t slow down when the economy does. People with MS and their families will continue to turn to the National MS Society perhaps now more than ever before and we must do everything we can to prepare to help each one of them address the challenges that they face. The National MS Society will use funds collected from Climb to the Top to not only support research for a cure tomorrow, but also to provide programs which address the needs of people living with MS today.

I'm training hard for this event and I'm confident that I'll finish and won't be the last one to the top!

To donate go here and look for Diana Whittles.

Thanks so much guys!

The Brooklyn Holiday Experiment

2010-12-05T20:43:00.010-05:00

Today was a ton of fun. I'm completely wiped out though.
I walked out of my home today leaving behind a cranky husband because he had to turn down Giants tickets to allow me to to this event today and two children who promised me they would be on their best behavior.
Headed to the city to pick my sister up and off we went to Brooklyn.

As a small aside, the weather today. What's up with this insane cold? It was about 30 degrees when we got out of the subway and had to walk 3 long blocks to the venue.

The Bell House is one hell of a cool spot. Really nice looking, warm, elegant place.
Took Ems and I all of 10 mins to set ourselves up and at 4pm the doors opened and the people! HOLY SMOKES. Packed from wall to wall with folks.

We were stuck in the back and at first we had no visitors and I was getting nervous. Did folks not like gingerbread? That was absurd and impossible so that couldn't be it. Then it hit me. They are eating food first and then they would do dessert and sure enough all at once they descended on us well, like elves on gingerbread.

By the end of the evening I'm left with less than 50 of the 350 bites that I made.
I didn't get a chance to taste any of the other food because the lines were crazy but it all looked fantastic.
No prizes but the folks that kept coming back over to tell me how good the gingerbread was was enough for me. Three or four folks told me they voted for me and that completely made my night.

I didn't really expect to win but I'm really glad I went and I'm hoping that Theo and Nick have another cook off that I can bake for.
They are supremely organized and two sweeter guys I'm not sure you will find! Though I knew no one but my sister when we got there, my competitors were super warm and friendly and supportive. I felt welcome to this new world and very comfortable.
I went to have a good time and that's exactly what I had!

Click on the pictures to enlarge

The first draft of the display. The bottom looked too naked so we added more to the table. We were also up on a sort of a riser so it was super hard for folks to see what we had. I spent much of my night handing them out to people rather than allowing them to grab on their own.

Everyone getting set up

What we looked like at the start. Thank GOD my sister has catering experience because she kept the table full all night long.

Me and my gorgeous sister.

Close up of the cuties

At the end of the night

Our neighbor took this photo from her area.

We had nothing left on the table at the end.

Today

2010-12-05T07:39:00.001-05:00

I've been baking since yesterday and I'm in decent shape. I need another 50 trees but I'm out of eggs so I have to wait till I can get to the store this morning to get them to make another batch. I am by nature a very unorganized person so I'm trying super hard to get as organized as I can for this thing so I leave nothing behind and have everything ready to go.
The only other loose end I have to take care of is a sign which I'll print at my mom's place today when I go to pick up my sister.
I'm tired though! This is a whole lotta work and I think if I don't touch or smell or eat Gingerbread again for the next decade I'm good.
For the record, no. I haven't eaten any. Not even one little bite. I'm relying on my testers to tell me how they are.

Holiday Food Experiment

2010-12-03T22:14:00.002-05:00

So it turns out I won't be alone on Sunday after all! My beautiful sister will be by my side.
Here is a newer rough version of the display.
Click to enlarge.

I'm going to find some funky wrapping paper to lay down on the round parts so it doesn't look so bare and icky... I'm going 100% over the top with this display!

It's now 3:17am and I'm wide awake and can't sleep. It seems that the less sleep I get, the more garish and over the top this poor display is getting.

Sunday should be a whole lot of fun.
Tomorrow is baking day!

Weaning

2010-12-02T05:29:00.001-05:00

It's been almost 2 weeks since I dumped Facebook and now I think I might do the same with Twitter. I'm left with the same pathetic needy feeling over there that I was with Facebook.

I feel like I'm the idiot kid jumping up and down asking everyone to look at me and pretending not to care when no one does.

I have to get out of this need to belong to something, this desire to be a part of something somewhere. There was a time when I was okay standing alone and I need to get back there. Clearly it's where I'm meant to be.

I wish I knew why I get so exhausted by other people and why I have such a hard time with relationships.

I need to push forward and continue to set goals for myself and seek time with the folks who really care for me. (I do have two dates planned with good pals. One tomorrow and lunch on Tuesday so I'm not completely isolating myself.)

Next week the weather is supposed to be nice but cold all week. I'm going to set a goal of doing the stairs at my mom's building at least 3 days next week and I'm going to take myself to Chinatown for Dim Sum and I'm going to visit the holiday markets at Union Square and at Bryant Park.

I think part of this funk I'm in is because I'm not out doing things and I have more time to sit and over think everything.

I owe my solitude to other people.
Alan Watts

Boot Camp

2010-12-01T22:30:00.002-05:00

Today I brought my camera in to Boot Camp and asked David to take some photos and videos of me. It's important for me to be able to see what I'm doing and where I am and where I'm going if I'm going to stay motivated.

I admit when he started taking photos I initially felt a little self conscious and silly for appearing so vain.

Once I got home and was able to see the stuff he shot I'm really glad I asked him to do it.

I rock and I rock hard. I'm well on my way to being a total bad ass and there is NOTHING you can do about it!
This was by far the hardest I think I've ever pushed myself in Boot Camp.
This was at the end of a class full of Cardio (I JOGGED PEOPLE!) which always kicks my ass. I had originally wanted to do an overhead press and walk the loading dock with the 35 pound weight today but it was pouring so David came up with this masochistic idea.
I had asked him if we could do more step ups onto the tire as I'd really felt it in my calves in a way I hadn't before. Damn it if he didn't just put the two things together for me.
I initially protested the idea with such a heavy weight. My legs were already tired from running and doing side shuffles and running backwards. No WAY I could get them to cooperate to step up as high as I have to to get to the top of that tire and not with 40 pounds!
I pushed through and did it though!
I did about 10 or 15 reps and David only got the last few on tape.

There is an Alice Cooper song called "Hello Hooray". It's one of my favorites. It's all about anticipating and planning for a big goal and having it finally come to reality.In the middle of it he sings "I feel strong. So strong. I feel so strong" I'm always motivated by that song and it's exactly the way felt today after doing this.

I love that feeling and that's why I keep pushing the weights and to see how far I can get myself to go and see where I can't do anymore.
The rush after accomplishing something like this for me is amazing. I feel proud and strong and accomplished. All the things I'm striving for!

My Kiddos

2010-12-01T21:35:00.000-05:00

I was going to put up a post about Boot Camp and then I found these old videos of my little Lion. He's about 3 here and just started to talk.

and one of my absolute FAVORITE Patrick videos.

Christiana Dream

2010-12-01T02:19:00.000-05:00

I woke up tonight from a dream about Chrissy.
I've dreamed about her before but in all the dreams prior, I run into her as I'm in the middle of going somewhere or doing something and I'm elated to see her and promise I'll come right back to her and then I never get back to her.
Frustrating dreams to say the least.
This one, this one was different though.
I was at some restaurant or bar with all my mommy pals only I was watching them all outside while I was alone inside. (Gee, no dream analysis needed there!) I got into some fight with some random guy at the bar and walked out.
Standing outside, Chrissy runs up to me and of course she's been gone and dead so I am more than elated to see her.
My dream cuts to the barn where we are putting horses away and breaking down tack and her mother is there with us.
Alice Cooper was in the dream too and he and I were pals.
She and I talked like she was never gone and I wasn't in any rush to go anywhere despite my talking about the kids a few times.
The dream was so real and so vivid I could hear her laugh and feel her hair and smell her perfume.
She was with me tonight. I know she was.
I woke up crying and can't get back to sleep.
I miss her and I miss her friendship most of all. I miss that she loved me and wanted to be with me despite all the mistakes I made along the way. She loved me for who I was and always made me feel important and special.

A few clowns short of a circus

I've gotta be me

TCB cookies!

CSC

Socializing Kids

dreams

Shasta

Space

Merry Christmas

Popularity

Ideas

Burlesque & Boobs

RHPS

Jennifer is a Party Pooper

Going Forward

Change is good

PACKING!!!

End Scene

Outlook

My blog

Hope

School

Happy

Today

Today

A continuation of yesterday

“Let the wild rumpus start!”

Christopher Street Cookies

Doggie Brain Dump

The Circus

Meds

Vacations: A small vent

Bullies

The little things

30 Rock

Stair Climb

Writing

woohoo

Autism Explorers Program

Space

The real me

MORE SNOW

Local Weather Alert

Winter Weather Advisory for Hoboken, New Jersey

From 12:00 AM EST, Mon., Feb 21, 2011 until 2:00 PM EST, Mon., Feb 21, 2011

Issued by The National Weather ServiceNew York City, NY

Sun, Feb 20, 2011, 12:00 AM EST

More Information

Thoughts

Strange Universe

Plans

M3 again

Bras

My dad

M3 Rockfest

M3 Rock Fest

Sigh

More Information

WEATHER

More Information

Why didn't I think of that?!

Logo Ideas

Cards

125 27th Avenue Brooklyn NY

HOORAY

Is it summer yet?

RATS

More Snow

Cupcake Hussy

Songs

Birthday and the shoes

100_0491

Birthday

Project #1

EXHAUSTED

Tattoo Idea

Happy New Years

Nails

Things I feel I need for the bike...

Hair Toys

Issued by The National Weather Service
New York City, NY